“Harry Potter? Who is he?? ” – A customary start to this EPIC in a typical Balotelli style, honouring the great Legend (and with no intention whatsoever to give a faint reference to a certain Jack Wilshere)
So here was Mario Balotelli! He lived with his cruel uncle Mourinho in a distant land of San Siro. Discarded as an inferior Balotelli led a painful life, until one fateful night when a messiah turned up. A Messiah with a “holy scarf” around his neck. Balotelli, however, was quite convinced that it was his favorite Cartoon character Noddy, until the man was just a feet away from him. In an slight Italian accent of his, the man spoke out- ” Boy! You are destined for greatness. I will take you to the Palace of the Sheikh…In the city of Manchester..in the land of Eastlands.. You are the one chosen to uphold the tradition of this holy scarf!! I am called Roberto Mancini ” ( Unwinding the scarf from his neck for the first time in 100 years)
A bit over-awed by the situation Balotelli exclaimed- “But whats with this scarf?”
“Its no ordinary scarf my boy! Legend says that this scarf only embraces the one worthy of it. It strangles you when your enemies plot against you. It is an magic scarf” – replied back Mancini ( the “scar” analogy you see )
“I will take you back to Manchester! I will teach you to play football; You will learn and you will Fight ; fight for your place in the team; fight till the last breath. Is that clear?”
“Yes Master!! ” – replied Balotelli, who was by now thrilled with excitement
Seemingly impressed by Balotelli’s obedience , Mancini exclaimed ” Good!! I Know you will make me proud! Next morning when you wake up, you will find yourself in the ground ..And I want to see the fight in you..God Bless!! “
Just as said by his master, Balotelli turned up in the training ground , the following morning. In no mood to let down his master, he decided to fight till his last breath. And he well…err…did fight all-right. First he landed a punch on the face of his team-mate ; then hit another and then again( Taking a special liking to a certain Jerome Boateng )
Mancini was left dumbstruck !! Nevertheless he decided to fight on…err…I mean not to give up!
The citizens of North London still called it “the Arsenal Trophy Room”, even though it had been many years since a trophy had actually come there. It stood near the breath-taking Emirates, overlooking the city, some of its windows boarded, tiles missing from its roof, and ivy spreading unchecked over its face. Once the grandest room in North London, the Arsenal Trophy Room was now damp, derelict and unoccupied.
The citizens, however , all agreed that the old room was some-what “creepy”. Half a decade ago, something strange and horrible had happened there, something that the old inhabitants of the city still liked to discuss when topics for gossip were scarce. The story had been picked over so many times, and had been embroidered in so many places, that nobody was quite sure what the truth was anymore. Every version of the tale, however, started in the same place : Few years ago a certain very notorious man had hid himself in that trophy room to save himself from the US Army and since his reported death a few weeks ago, things have not been quite the same. Arsenal’s treble ambition vanished in a matter of days in a rather “ghostly manner” and Arsenal’s hopes were brutally killed.
By the following morning however, hardly anyone doubted that it was Arsene Wenger who killed Arsenal’s hopes. But over in the dark and dingy police station, Wenger was stubbornly and rather angrily repeating, again and again, that he was innocent and the fact that “HEE DIID NAAT ZSEE ANYTHING” and explaining why ” HE CANNOT COMMENT” , much to the horror the plastic bottles in the adjacent tables.
“It was not me..It was that notorious man”- pleaded Wenger. But the police were quite sure that this so called notorious man was nothing but an invention of Wenger himself and hence took him into custody. Then just when things were looking very serious for Wenger , a timely combined donation from the ALL FRANCE FOOTBALLERS’ ASSOCIATION FOR BELOW 5 and the BOARD OF “BLAME-GAME” CONTROL IN ENGLAND , helped him to secure a bail. Days passed by and no concrete proof was found and hence the police were forced to let off Arsene.
The stage is now set. Balotelli’s moment of beckoning has come at-last. After weeks of training under his master Mancini , Balotelli is now ready. Ready to face the word, ready to be embraced with greatness. Teams all over Europe has gathered at the headquarters. Plattini emerges from the dark , gets himself ready for an opening speech.
“The moment has come,” said Plattini , smiling around at the sea of upturned faces. “The Champions League is here, I would like to say a few words of explanation before we bring in the casket”
“-just to clarify the procedure which we will be following this year. There will be no group stages or any two legged ties. There will be a mega-task or challenge , spaced in between the footballing year and they will test the selected champions in many different ways…their play-acting prowess- their diving – their powers of swearing- and lastly their ability to play football “
At this last word, the Hall was filled with a silence so absolute that nobody seemed breathing. “As you know the best champions compete in this tournament “- Plattini went on calmly ; ” one from each of the participating teams. They will be marked on how well they perform in the task and the champion with the highest total after the three tasks win..The Chosen ones will be chosen by our impartial selector..THE GOBLET OF FIRE”
“The event will be conducted under the able hands of our officials Howard Webb, Martin Atkinson and the our FA chairman David Bernstein”
The crowd seemed a bit disapproved but they decided to let it go. “Ahh!! I have no problem at all. I would like to get along.No hard feelings “ – whispered Sir Alex. On this statement of his, there seemed to be a sudden hush in the surroundings. The FA Chairman stood up – ” How dare you say that?? Manchester United disqualified !! “
“But But……” – Sir Alex tried to utter but was rudely interrupted .. “Shut Up!! You are Banned !! “
And Yes! Certainly United were banned for this unacceptable sin. The crowd seemed shocked.
Balotelli , however , had nothing to do with all the controversy. He roamed about the big hall in his own merry ways, shaking hands and making friends. Once gain though , he had mistaken an identity, thinking Fernando Torres as Hermoine ( You see you can’t forget the beautiful Hermoine Granger, even if you forget Harry Potter). The Misunderstanding was later clarified, even though the explanation weren’t as per Balotelli’s wishes. He finally gave up his point when his master Mancini coaxed him to concentrate on the tournament.
And so in no time the super-selector, selected the representatives from each team. And now at last it was Manchester City‘s turn. The crowd stood motionless. Mancini skipped a breath in anticipation. So dearly did he want his favorite student to be selected. As these thoughts flirted around Mancini’s mind, the Goblet turned red. No! Not because it was a Liverpool fan but because it has now finally selected the chosen one for City. A paper popped out of it. Plattini took the paper in his hands and declared – “Its MARIO BALOTELLI “. The City camp burst into jubilation. Balotelli has done it. Plattini asked him to come on stage and receive his golden ticket for the mega task. “Go forward my son” – said Mancini , “Go and take what you deserve”
On his way though, one unknown man came forward to congratulate him – ” Congratulation Mr. Balotelli! You surely got the FIGHT in you! I would love to see it more often “
Poor Balotelli again mis-understood him and seemingly obliged with this-
Finally it was time for the MEGA-TASK !! All teams gathered in immense enthusiasm . Plattini looked at the group of Champions and said -” Tonight is your day to create history! Football’s greatest hero will be crowned today” !!
The statement was greeted with great applause.
“Let me then take the pleasure to announce our Mega-Task” – continued Plattini looking down at a long scroll of paper”
“As we all know, play-acting and diving forms an integral part of Football. So tonight’s Champion will have to show their worth in their theatrical antics. Only then can he touch that coveted trophy” (pointing at the trophy that stood in the far corner)
Some teams were rather pleased by the task while the others weren’t. However they all came to the common conclusion that Barcelona would still be the favorites.
It was now finally the exact time for the task to begin. Few Teams displayed their phenomenal talent in-front of the world while the others failed with disastrous results. Barcelona,as expected, mesmerized the audience with their incredible play-acting skills. No wonder Barcelona is a city well known for its theatres and as once said by uncle Mourinho they surely seemed to have learned well.
After all the participants had completed their part, it was finally Balotelli’s turn. Poor Balotelli had never even heard of acting, No one expected him to win. As he walked up the stage , a nervous Balotelli asked for his lucky training kit. He had given up all hope after seeing all the breath-taking performances. Even his master had lost the faith in him. Good fortune was the only thing that could have saved him from disgrace. So, instead of being ignored the first time, he persisted on his request to hand him over his lucky training kit. A rather gloomy faced Mancini decided to give in to this boy’s humble request. After-all he was his favorite football student. He asked an assistant of his to hand him over the training kit. The assistant obliged and handed Balotelli the kit as he was just about walk up the centre stage to begin his performance.
However what transpired next was beyond imagination. The lucky charm certainly paid off. Have a look-
Balotelli’s comic timing left the crowd dumb-struck. They had never seen anything like it. The Judges were seemingly impressed and Balotelli had certainly created history. In an poll to decide the winner, Balotelli won by a landslide margin.
“There you go boy..You are the winner..Go put your hands on the Trophy “- said Plattini. Balotelli moved forward. The crowed applauded their new hero. There were tears in Mancini’s eyes. It was Balotelli’s night. It was his moment to savour and enjoy.
But, just as he touched the trophy, something rather strange happened. BOOM!! There was an explosion and Balotelli lost consciousness. Moments later when he opened his eyes, he was not in the hall anymore. He was in-front of old house. A broken one. Oh wait a minute! We have heard of it before. Ahh!! Its the Arsenal Trophy Room. But How did he reach here? Balotelli looked sideways. He found the trophy lying by his side and it has transformed into the EMIRATES CUP. It looked like a portkey. Certainly it was! Where-else can a EMIRATES CUP lead you to?Someone had caught Balotelli in a trap!!! Just as Balotelli was wondering what to do, a rather strange figure appeared in-front of him. For once, Balotelli did not mistake his identity. It was none other than the evil LORD ARSENE WENGER, the Arsenal Hope Killer. So it was him who made the trap??? Oh no!!! “Bwahahaha “ – laughed Wenger with evil look in his face.
Will Balotelli be able to save himself from Wenger?? But why has Wenger trapped him in the first place? What are his plans ? Curious? Well, find out in the next part coming soon – MARIO BALOTELLI AND THE “WENGER”-LY HALLOWS
NOTE- A light hearted spoof of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Not Meant to hurt anyone. Cheers and Enjoy!! :)