Yes, I know: “I’m so glad that circus is finally over”, “such baseball-ization of the great noble game”, cheap skirt porn with tacky 80’s style lens techniques and long, drawn-out, unnecessary matches with awards to go with it (I still lament that there wasn’t an award for Best Blink And You Miss It Substitute On The Field, sponsored by Kochi Tuskers Kerala).
Deny it all you want, but you are missing the commercialization of gentleman’s game.
Can you feel your ears ringing from the suddenly silent din of your surroundings? You’re missing the annoying give-vuvuzelas-a-run-for-their-money signature theme.
Your IQ levels have increased 20 points? You’re missing the spew of intelligence and collective wisdom that Archana, Shibani and Gavaskar consistently word-vomited onto your screen.
If you’ve stopped having nightmares, you’re just missing having Danny Morrison’s face appear in your dreams.
For all these ailments and more, you are suffering from IPL Withdrawal Syndrome. But fear not, for we are on hand to help you.
1. Read the news
Every news site that has a net worth of 2 cents is churning out post after post, dissection after lobotomy, of what really happened in the IPL. If current events are more your cup of chai, read up on the fanfare of how Mamata Banerjee celebrated the trophy coming home to Bengal, despite the fact that the side had two and a half Bengalis.
If youreally want to know just how replicable this series is going to be next year, and other ways in which the IPL franchises can cash in on the ‘carnival’, read up on the possible scandal stories the PR gurus are already pencilling in.
Or, if you feel like perusing some timeless classics, you can peruse an entire back catalogue of articles on whether Pakistanis will be part of the next IPL, why IPL is destroying cricket, and why IPL is saving cricket.
2. Make a montage
Get a Final Cut Pro-savvy friend of yours to combine all the footage of the audiences et voilá! You get a brilliant final product that showcases Indians at their overeager best, defining the IPL at its simplest – as long as we’re on TV, we don’t care if we win or lose.
3. Hone your commentary skills
Head over to YouTube and listen to the greats as they gaffe. Ravi, Rameez and Sunil are all willing to help you understand the intricacies and finer points of over-using the same phrases and imitating West Indian cricketers subconsciously if you’ve been spending too long a time holding the microphone.
4. Get a haircut
‘Trimmer-engraving’ is the latest fad. Write your lover’s initials on the side of your head, a la Jadeja.
It will bear a true two-week testament to your commitment to the relationship and your unwavering, altruistic love to your partner. You can also opt for a Dada, which I am led to understand is being called the ‘Blinking Bengal Cuckatoo’ in hairstylists’ circle. The ever-popular dyed Maggi Malinga curls are also tipped to be a hot favourite.
5. Speculate, speculate, speculate!
Draw up a list of all possible things that might go wrong at next year’s IPL! How excited will SRK’s better half Gauri Khan be next year? Will @statsdan return, and will his #BigScreenPuns gradually start include subliminal political propaganda? How raised will Virat’s hemlines be? Will Ravi Shastri learn a new phrase? Will Chris Gayle hit a six and break a hipster’s sunglasses in the stands?
6. Begin the countdown to the next IPL!
After all, aisa mauka aur kahan milega (when ELSE will you get this chance, except every damned year?)
IPL 6 is only 298 days away…
written by Abeer Yusuf
Published with permission from Alternative Cricket...cricket for grown-ups.