May 2008
Dear Diary,
I finally get to be a test player. I’m so excited. My mum is so proud, she baked a cake and Mike came over and we ate it together, then played marbles. I was rubbish. He yelled at me.
June 2008
Dear Diary,
No fair! I just get to be keeper for Australia and I break my finger and have to go home. Oh well, I don’t really like brown people countries anyway.
Luke Ronchi – whatever!
July 2008
Dear Diary,
Today I saved a puppy from a mean man in the street. I’m awesome.
November 2008
Dear Diary,
Today I got 169 against those giants of cricket, New Zealand. I must be awesome.
August 2009
Dear Diary,
I have been awesome in England so far, but now I broke my finger again. I blame Andrew Strauss. Just because. Also, Nate Hauritz’s finger dislocation was gross.
December 2009
Dear Diary,
Today Mitch and me pissed about and made fun of Sule Benn and basically got away with it. I don’t think Chris Broad likes brown people either.
January 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I saved a child from a burning building. I am awesome.
June 2012
My elbow hurts.
October 2012
Tim Paine – whatever!
December 2010
Dear Diary,
I was awesome against England. We lost the Ashes again, but it wasn’t my fault. It was Andrew Strauss’s.
January 2011
Dear Diary,
Today I swam from Sydney to Bass Strait without taking a breath and in record time just to save an old lady who was drowning in the ocean. I am totally awesome.
February 2011
Dear Diary,
Ricky told me I don’t rock in ODIs anymore and I should get my shit together. He’s mean.
March 2011
Dear Diary,
My best mate is now the captain of the Australian side! My career is secure. Shut up, Ricky.
August 2011
Dear Diary,
I was crap against Sri Lanka. Mike is annoyed with me. He thinks he should’ve brought a reserve keeper. I still think I’m awesome.
November 2011
Dear Diary,
I was crap in Cape Town. At least everyone else was shit, too. I may have been the shittest of all. Mike yelled at me. I’m not massaging his feet tonight.
January 2012
Dear Diary,
I spoke to some guy on the radio and told him that people from brown countries like India are mentally fragile. Some brown person from India then said my keeping is fragile. I was dumped from the ODI team, so I think Mike agrees. I wish he’d stop yelling at me. I miss his cuddles.
March 2012
Dear Diary,
Had to fly home from the brown people islands again, this time because my wife is angry at me. Matt Wade – whatever!
May 2012
Dear Diary,
Went into a bank that was being held up and single handedly put a stop to it by putting my finger in the end of the robber’s gun. I really am quite awesome.
July 2012
Dear Diary,
Tim Paine – whatever!
August 2012
Dear Diary,
I am coming back. I’m so awesome.
August 2013
Dear Diary,
I was shit against England again. We didn’t win the Ashes back. Mike yelled at me and Ricky afterwards. Just so you know – I am still awesome.
December 2018
Dear Diary,
I have broken my fingers so many times I’ve had prosthetic ones attached. Was shit again against England. Still no Ashes. Still awesome.
June 2020
Dear Diary,
Some annoyed Australian fans murdered at me after the test last week. I can’t think why. We still didn’t get the Ashes back but I was awesome. I have been reanimated and am looking forward to the ODI series. Ian Healy junior – whatever!
August 2040
Dear Diary,
Still awesome. Zombie Punter said so. He says I remind him of his glory days. Still no Ashes. Gilchrist junior – whatever!
January 2078
Dear Diary,
Zombie Ricky is still leading the team and he and I are both still awesome. It’s been nearly 70 years since we last had the Ashes. That must be a record. We rule.
Published with permission from Thoughts from the Dustbin.
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