LONDON - Kevin Pietersen, the mercurial and talismanic England tweeter, has announced that he may never tweet for his country again. Speaking at a tense press conference held earlier today, Pietersen revealed the “deep, perhaps irreparable, divisions” between himself and Twitter, hinting that he may quit the medium entirely to spend more time with his family, or “+1s” as he called them.
Pietersen’s high-profile Twitter career has had many peaks and troughs over the years. When he burst onto the international tweeting stage back in 2004, he was hailed by many as England’s savior, and heralded as a social media hero to rival Ricky Ponting, Jacques Kallis or even the little master himself, Charlie Sheen.
His success continued to go viral the following year, when he nailed three tweets of over a hundred characters in quick succession despite being trolled by large numbers of South African supporters angry at his defection from Bebo.
His rise was so swift that he was named England Twitter Captain in 2008. However, he suffered from a slump in retweets, and he was axed after it was publicly announced he had unfollowed England coach Peter Moores.
An acrimonious 2008 for KP™ also witnessed one of the most audacious events in Twitter history. Against a hapless pack of New Zealand tweeters, Pietersen unleashed the ‘switch hashtag’ to devastating effect. Black Caps captain at the time, Daniel Vettori, was unable to stem the flow of tweets and could only muster the odd ‘LOL’ in reply, although Twitter chiefs have subsequently suggested the innovation may be outlawed entirely because it is “too entertaining”.
Controversy continued to dog Pietersen in the following years with many former and current tweeters critical of his flamboyant writing style. He was left red-faced, when, after trying to raise a rapid-fire tweet, he ended up misjudging the end of the sentence and was unable to put in a final full-stop, leading to accusations of selfish individualism.
Pietersen’s many supporters nonetheless still came out and backed his style, with @kingKP1987 saying, “That’s just the way he tweets!!!!!! You’d be singing his praises if he had nailed it!!!! #getoverit #KPforeva”, although Sky Sports commentator @Knightsweats continued to decry KP™’s lack of team ethic.
Pietersen has admitted he has a lot of thinking he needs to do over the next few days. “I can’t give any assurances that my next tweet won’t be my last. We’ll just have to see. The saddest thing for me is that supporters love reading my Twitter feed,” said the controversial star.
KP™ stressed that he was ‘committed’ to tweeting for England, but would consider spending more time on other social networks to connect with distant relatives such as his Uncle Srini.
Pietersen has already upset the ECB with his decision to use Facebook to express his views after ODIs, rather than committing to Twitter for all three forms of the game, a move condemned by ECB chairman and leading cheap-suit-wearer Giles Clarke: “Kevin’s desire to pick and choose social media tools is unacceptable and all our players know that they are either all considered for Twitter, or not at all – that Stanford parody account won’t retweet itself.”
Many administrators and commentators believe that Pietersen’s decision may be financially motivated after it was noted that he had ‘liked’ a number of posts made by the IPL Facebook group and changed his location to ‘Melbourne via Delhi’ on LinkedIn.
Meanwhile, New Zealand captain Ross Taylor said that New Zealand cricket had few such problems as most of their players were ‘fully committed’ to honouring their contracts with MySpace.
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Disclaimer: This article is a piece of fiction and is meant to be a satire.
Published with permission from Alternative Cricket...cricket for grown-ups.