So, KP has been dropped from the England test side for sending text messages to the South African team. While England were playing them. Yeah, it’s a bit silly but how bad can the text messages really have been? It’s KP – the guy is so vanilla, ice cream gets jealous of him. I bet the messages went something like this:
What the incident has done, however, is make other cricket boards look into their players’ texting history. Now, as you know, I have spies working all over the offices of Cricket Australia and they’ve come through for me once again.
It’s quite shocking, but I feel it’s my duty to show you what was discovered. The following text messages were lifted from the phones of various Australian players:
Marcus North (to Andrew Flintoff, July 11th 2009, Cardiff) – don’t worry, I’m not as good as I look. This time next year, I’ll be a “has-been”.
Nathan Hauritz (to Graeme Swann, July 13th 2009, Cardiff) – they say I’m a spinner, but I don’t know what that means. Please help me. Pretty please?
Ricky Ponting (to Andrew Strauss, November 24th 2010, Brisbane) – Please let me have the Ashes back. I ask, not for myself, but for
my people the Australian people. They love me so much, I’d hate for them to have to think badly of me. Plus, I’m not retiring until you give it back. Have mercy on them! I beg you.
Simon Katich (to Shane Watson, originally sent December 26 2009, Melbourne, but saved and resent several times over the following year) – Shane, you fucking idiot.
Brad Haddin (to Sulieman Benn, December 17th 2009, Perth) - Throw a cricket ball at me, will you? Just try it mate, just try it! You don’t bump into my gal Mitch and get away with it.
Andrew Hilditch (to everyone in Australia, any time during his time in charge) – I can do whatever I want, I am the chairman of selectors, you know (no, really).
Ricky Ponting (to Shahid Afridi, January 31st 2010, Perth) – How did it taste?
Shane Watson (to Simon Katich, November 11 2011,Cape Town) – We really could’ve used you this last couple of days. Also, I miss your cuddles.
Shane Watson (to Michael Clarke, several times in the past 18 months) – Mike, I broke a nail. I can’t play for a while.
Shane Watson (to Graeme Swann, July 1st 2012, Kennington) – please be nice to me when you bowl. They expect me to bat, but I can’t! Plus I have great hair.
Shane Watson (to himself, over and over) – Shane, you are the greatest but you need to learn to count to more than 65. Mike’s getting annoyed.
Shane Watson (to any media outlet willing to listen, any time) – I am the best.
Michael Clarke (to all the above media outlets) – I apologise for Shane.
Published with permission from Thoughts from the Dustbin.