Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and purely an imaginative description
Text of a speech given by Australian captain Michael Clarke to his team in Darwin, August 15th 2012:
Right, let’s be honest: except for me and Our George (of course), everyone on this team is crap. You lot need to pull your s*** together because playing for Australia is no laughing matter – it’s serious business. And, frankly, I’ve had it with being worse than Tree Trunk Strauss and his lot. It’s just not cricket, I tell you. Tradition is at stake here.
Besides, if I can’t beat the Poms then I’m no better than Punter and there’s no way I’m having that crap. So buck up, you lot of losers!
Our rankings are unacceptable. We were number one in tests and ODIs for years and now we are f***-knows-where on the list, but we are not number 1. Unacceptable.
It is unacceptable that we don’t have the Ashes. I want them back. Anything else is unacceptable.
Shane’s hair is unacceptable. You’re gonna have to get it cut.
Mitch, these no-balls – unacceptable! Getting all cranky when you bowl and spraying all over the shop – unacceptable! Those stupid tats – unacceptable!
This is not first-class cricket people. You need to work harder than you do for your states; you need to work longer than you do for your states and you are going to face tougher opposition than you do when you play for your states. Slacking off is unacceptable.
Mussey, you are probably more popular than I am and that’s unacceptable. Dussey, you are not Mussey and that’s unacceptable.
The Under 19s are better than us. That is just unacceptable.
Clint, your name is just a sound effect; Davo, you are under the impression that you are a legend – both unacceptable! George, you’re ginger – unacceptable! X, you’re always disappointing – unacceptable! Glenn, I’m not even sure who you are but it’s unacceptable.
Stevie – just so, so unacceptable.
[aside to Mickey Arthur] I’m sorry, but why exactly is Steve here again?
Published with permission from Thoughts from the Dustbin.