Satire: Sreesanth's Jail Diary, Part 1

Dear Diary,

You’re the only one I can trust now. You won’t slap me. You can’t blackmail me, nor can you arrest me (I already am). I hate this jail. Every time I breathe, a few mosquitoes get pulled inside my nostrils. The rats try to give me a different hair style everyday. I don’t know for how long I will be kept here but until then, I want to express my feelings and you will help me do that.

I earn 3.5 crores playing for Rajasthan; I was stupid to fall for a few lakh of rupees and resort to spot fixing – this is what people think right now. What they don’t know is, it wasn’t just money and women that the bookie promised. He had also developed an Android App called ‘Slap!’ where people get to slap Harbhajan. The harder they slap, higher will be the points they get. Not just that, they also promised to promote my Facebook page and get more ‘likes’ than Harbhajan’s Facebook page. I was also assured of a direct ticket to Dance India Dance’s next season. How could I deny all of this?

One night, I got a call from my Jiju – the bookie. He offered me 20 lakh to give away 13 runs or more in an over. I don’t know why he even asked me that. Nine out of ten times in normal circumstances, I give away more than 13 runs an over. Don’t I? I had a smile on my face. Money was knocking at my doors. I didn’t have to do anything stupid. I just had to play my natural game. That took away the guilt too.

All I had to do was to signal the bookies before giving away runs. There were several things planned so that they didn’t miss out the signal. I took time to set the field, I had my towel tucked inside my trousers, I had to dig my nose at the start of the over and scratch the unmentionables. I did not want to mess this up and I decided to practice it even in the nets. That night Rahul bhai called me and even offered Itch Guard. That’s when I dropped the idea of signalling by scratching.

Dhoni and the BCCI are to be blamed for this mess. Had they not done injustice to a world class all rounder like me – who can dance, sledge, win the hearts of the opposition (by giving freebies) and come down the wicket to any top class fast bowler (and miss the ball)- I would have been the captain of the Test team by now. Dhoni once said that the hot air that comes out of my nostrils briskly without control is one of the reasons for Global Warming. What’s more annoying is, I was playing EA Sports’ cricket game on my play station in the team hotel. I tried selecting myself as the captain of the team and it asked me, ‘Are you sure?’. When I clicked on ‘yes’, it displayed a message that read, ‘LOL! Are you out of your mind?’.

I will be calling ‘bad light’ pretty soon and continue writing tomorrow when the sun shines on me. The only regret is that I was promised Katrina Kaif for bowling that over, but they ended up sending Bobby Darling to my hotel room. That’s when I thought, something is better than nothing and decided to adjust. Now, I hear that they have the MMS somewhere. I hope it is never found. Good bye diary, see you soon.

DISCLAIMER: The article is a humourous take on things, and is not meant to offend anyone. Readers are requested to read it with a pinch of salt.