Satire: Dhoni's diary - The secret writings of an Indian captain

MS Dhoni

Well, of course, you know you can say that this is my tour match diary.

Day 1

We’re batting. That useless Murali Vijay got out cheaply again. Ever since Chennai Super Kings didn’t pick him in the Indian Premier League auction, it’s been all downhill for him.

Gautam Gambhir batted well, but I wonder if I should pick him for the first Test. I’d like to wait and keep my options open until after the other tour game, but we all know how much he hates it when I leave things till the last minute. He even said so in Australia.

Rohit Sharma and Ajinkya Rahane batted really positively, taking the attack to the bowlers. If only they had played like this in the last game I captained.

Tried out a theory, but it failed. Still, it’s always good to be an inventive captain, even if all the hairdressers in the world aren’t able to make Ishant Sharma look like Mitchell Johnson.

All in all, it was a good day. There was a great amount of competition for a really important spot that we haven’t fully filled since Dada’s retirement. The boys all put in good performances, but I think I know who I will go with.

Day 2

It’s raining, so we are confined to the dressing room. Would it have killed the weather Gods to make this happen 3 years ago? That jerk Shanthakumaran Sreesanth even did a rain dance (though we begged him not to). Oh wait, that’s probably why it didn’t rain.

Duncan Fletcher and I decided to work on mentally disintegrating England. I hope our reverse-psychology regarding Alastair Cook is working. He needs to stay as captain for as long as possible, or at least until we win the series. I wish Warnie would stop highlighting his faults and criticizing him so much. The ECB might realize he’s rubbish and sack him. Alastair is right; we need to do something about him.

I asked the boys if they wanted to play some poker, but they said something about it not being fair for me to play. I wonder what they meant by that.

Fletcher told us that the England bowlers love glaring, so we should work on countering that. He told all the batsmen to enter into staring contests with him. While Gambhir won, Rohit made a valiant effort until he got distracted by Ishant’s hair.

Still, all credit to Rohit, he did really well for the 23 seconds that it lasted.

Day 3

The boys were disappointed that they didn’t have another opportunity to fill the spot that has been vacant since Dada retired, but I have made my decision. Saha will carry out the drinks at Trent Bridge.

Virat Kohli pointed out that if Chris Jordan and Sam Robson are batting together, it’ll be India v England without any Englishmen! That’s a good one to use on them, along with asking Joe Root if it is his bedtime yet.

Went onto the field hoping the bowlers would get a good work out. The boys bowled really consistently. There was good competition and places are up for grabs, especially the identity of the third seamer. Saha cleverly suggested that I bowl, but I know that’s just because he wanted to keep. Besides, I can’t bat, bowl and captain. I’m not Ajit Agarkar!

Anyway, they all bowled so badly that it’ll be difficult to make a decision. People complain when the BCCI doesn’t schedule warm-ups, and they complain even after warm-ups like this one. You can’t keep everyone happy. Personally, I’m a positive sort of guy. We limited them under 350 and two of their guys gave up and retired out, so that gives us the psychological advantage.

Jadeja organized an after-match party to get everybody’s mind off what happened in the field. Apparently, the best way to get over getting hammered is to get hammered.

It was great; the boys had a really good time. There was Jaddu Walker, Jaddumeister and Jaddu Cuervo. Ashwin got very upset, though; he chased Jadeja down one end of the room but gave up when Jadeja ran back to the other end.

I asked him what happened, turns out Jadeja offered him Jaddu Daniels, old number 8. Hmm..

Disclaimer: This article is a satire and is only meant for humour.