Satire: Bowlers threaten to start 'Saliva Satyagraha'

Ishant Sharma

Inspired by the Dandi March where Mahatma Gandhi started the Salt Satyagraha, bowlers from various countries have got together and threatened their respective cricket boards to go on a ‘Saliva Satyagraha’ if their demands are not met.

The game of cricket has slowly progressed from being called a ‘batsman’s game’ to a ‘bowler’s nightmare’. The ICC came up with new rules to make ODI cricket more interesting, like the ‘two new balls’ rule and the revised fielding restrictions, with an intention to ensure they add more action to the 50 over format. Unfortunately, that has already marked the end of bowling careers of some bowlers and on course to brutally kill a few more careers on its way.

The movement, headed by Ishant Sharma of India, urges the cricket boards to revoke the old rule where just one new ball was used and 5 fielders were allowed outside the circle during non-powerplay overs. It also demands a new rule, where a batsman is considered OUT even if he’s caught in the crowd.

Saliva Satyagraha implies that the bowlers and the fielders won’t shine the ball using their saliva, which is the key to reverse swing and the initial conventional swing too. This non cooperation movement from the bowlers might result in teams breaking the 500 run barrier in ODI cricket and eventually result in the death of careers of the batsmen who chase, as well, due to added pressure.

Ishant Sharma lost India a game by giving away 30 runs in an over and ended up with an economy rate of 7.9 during the series. Vinay Kumar scored a hundred with the ball giving away 102 runs in just 9 overs. Not just the Indians, but even the Aussie bowlers like Maxwell, Doherty and Watson struggled during the course of the tournament. New Zealand bowlers too have joined the cause after losing the ODI series to Bangladesh 3-0.

The new rules have also resulted in legendary bowlers like Ajit Agarkar announce retirement from all forms of cricket. Local Coaches have complained that none of the young kids want to grow up to become a bowler. ‘Everybody wants to bat’, an U-19 team coach said. Ravichandran Ashwin, who started the career as a bowler, is spending more hours than Kohli and Rohit batting in the nets, to save his career.

As an interim arrangement, the BCCI have started Saliva Banks, much like the Sperm banks, where people deposit saliva and in turn get money from the bank. The umpires have been told to help shine the ball using the saliva taken from these Saliva banks. “I’m glad I retired before all this”, said Simon Taufel.

Would you support Saliva Satyagraha and eventually help Ishant save his career, so that he can earn enough to get a nice hair-cut? Tell us here.