SATIRE: Duncan Fletcher to undergo plastic surgery to look like Gary Kirsten

Mumbai. Just when we thought Duncan Fletcher’s days as the coach of the Indian cricket team might be numbered, BCCI announced today that it will be sending the incumbent coach for a cosmetic surgery to make him look exactly like Gary Kirsten, under whom India won the 2011 ICC World Cup.

This is the latest endeavour from the cricketing board to motivate Team India to come back from a string of losses in their own backyard.

Talking to Faking News, BCCI head Mr. N Srinivasan said, “Booting someone out just because he is not able to perform or deliver his duties is not the solution. This is not part of our culture in India. If not an Indian, Duncan is after all a human being, and everyone has the right to remain highly unimaginative and lethargic, like our cricket administrators.”

Duncan Fletcher was seen trying to push back his belly to be in shape like Gary Kirsten.

“Appearances matter,” Srinivasan further argued, “A new haircut for Sachin helped him get his 100^th international century, while Dhoni’s haircut after world cup victory seems to have worked the other way. So we knew that the current problems in the Indian team needed solutions beyond haircuts, so we are going for face-cut of Fletcher.”

The board had discussions with Gary Kirsten as well, and he was happy with the move but requested the board to impose a contractual obligation on Duncan Fletcher that post surgery, he must not be found in the vicinity of Gary Kirsten’s house or bedroom to avoid confusion.

Doctor Samuels in Australia will be heading the surgery. When contacted, he said, “After studying Duncan’s file, it appears that for many years he has been holding his chin in a pensive posture and haven’t moved much for most of the time. Due to this, his chin muscles have dissolved with his throat and neck muscles. We will need to work on that, plus get all the bacon and sausages out of his waist area. This is a challenging surgery, but I am confident about it.”

Sources say that Indian cricket team has welcomed the Board’s decision as they want Gary back. However, former selector Mohinder Amarnath has claimed that “cosmetic changes” are not going to work.

“Some people issue statements just to be in news,” Srinivasan rejected Amarnath’s criticism.

The board chief further informed that Duncan fletcher has already boarded the flight for the surgery. A lookalike of him has already been called from Yorkshire to sit in the pavilion during the matches played in his absence.

Article published with permission from Faking News