Satire: Ravi Shastri addresses Team India ahead of England ODI series

Duncan Fletcher (L) and Ravi Shastri

Ravi Shastri’s pep talk during India’s team meeting prior to the One Day International series against England was secretly recorded by someone present in the conference room, and the same has now been uploaded on SoundCloud by a fake profile called ‘Doctor’s Girl’. Further investigation revealed that it was recorded using an old Celkon device. Wives and girlfriends of players, who were present in the adjacent room, are also being investigated by the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) to catch hold of the culprit. Below are the excerpts from the recording:

Ravi Shastri: Captain, Coach, Director of Cricket, Sanjay Bangar, all in readiness. Heads is the call... Oops. I mean, what’s the head count? Everyone’s here?

MS Dhoni: Well, of course.

Ravi Shastri: Ok, let’s go about this meeting at the speed of knots. Oh, damn! My eyes *rubs his eyes*. Bloody cameraman, he flashed and flashed hard. This is a team meeting for God’s sake, not an event.

Virat Kohli: Sorry, that was me. This BC phone, I tried to take a selfie, Anushka was asking for it. Can’t figure out how the flash went off.

Rohit Sharma: I too took a selfie now. See, the flash didn’t go off.

Ravi Shastri: He knew exactly what he was doing.

Duncan Fletcher: That is why I always wear sun glasses. Safety reasons.

Ravi Shastri: This partnership would be crucial, Duncan. Let’s not spoil it with poor jokes. Let’s address the batsmen now. Guys, swing or pace, just throw the kitchen sink at it.

Ravindra Jadeja: I was always planning to throw one on Anderson.

MS Dhoni: Jaddu, I asked you to draw a line.

Ravi Shastri: He’s dealing in boundaries here.

Suresh Raina: Will their bowlers use swing or bounce as the weapon?

Ravi Shastri: At this stage, all three results are possible.

Rohit Sharma: What’s the third one?

Ravi Shastri: Spin.

Virat Kohli: Damn!

Ravi Shastri: But nothing to worry, just take the aerial route.

Waiter: Sir, do you want a glass of beer?

Ravi Shastri: Ah! Just what the doctor ordered.

Bhuvneshwar: Any tips for the bowlers?

Ravi Shastri: You should bowl fast. Like a rocket. Else they’ll hit the ball so hard that it goes like a tracer bullet.

Duncan Fletcher: Hmm! Don’t see any improvements in the team meeting. I guess my career is as good as gone.

Ravi Shastri: It ain’t over until the fat lady sings, Duncan.

MS Dhoni: Are you talking about Sakshi? I’ll show you who is the BOSS.

Ravi Shastri: Oh! This one’s going down to the wire.

*N Srinivasan calls Shastri*

Srinivasan on loudspeaker: Don’t worry, we’ll win. I’ve taken care of everything.

Ravi Shastri: Fantastic! At the end of the day, cricket is the real winner.

Disclaimer: This article is a satire and is only meant for humour.