Stuart Binny - Dognapper, Philanthropist and Health Care Expert - Why India picked the Bangalore Bungler

While many people quite justifiably feel that Stuart Binny is a bits and pieces Mickey Mouse cricketer who shouldn’t have gotten closer to the Indian Test Team than the autographs his dad Roger would get him as a kid, we firmly believe that selecting him was the only possible course of action for the selectors to take, and our scholarly analysis shall convince all his critics that it was, in fact, the smartest move given the situation.

Stuart Binny – Dognapper, Philanthropist and Health Care Expert

Intrepid risk taker

Not many people are aware of this, but Duncan Fletcher has a pet Doberman, Vladimir. All we see is the inscrutable exterior, but behind those glasses there lies a dog lover. Sure, the dog is a ferocious beast with a deathly stare that pierces right through you and chills you to the bone (that solves the mystery of why Duncan chose this particular species of canine to bestow his affections upon), but he is the apple of Fletcher’s eye.

Go-getter that he is, Binny walks N Srinivasan’s pet labradoodle, Lalit. Naturally, Fletcher did not question his ability as a dog-walker and foolishly handed over Vladimir to him. We need not go into the heart-breaking details, but Binny is currently holding Vladimir hostage and refuses to release him until his demands are met, viz. playing all 5 Tests.

While the dog lovers will tut tut and shake their heads disapprovingly, this fearless devil-may-care attitude is just what the Indian team needs. If we could paraphrase something the great Keith Miller once said, “I’ll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a ferocious Doberman up your ar**. Playing cricket is not.”

Need we say more?

Motivational speaker

Every great team needs a suave, sophisticated man of the world. Somebody who has refined himself by hobnobbing with the best and brightest. Somebody who can motivate the team by recounting his own personal experiences of going through the furnace unscathed. Someone like Stuart Binny.

Binny regularly plays snap with N Srinivasan. Being in that man’s presence is nerve-wracking enough without the high pressure situation of a game of snap. Not for Binny. As of now, he has more snap wins than Test wickets, and when you’ve said that, you’ve said it all.

One can imagine Binny firing up the dressing room, regaling them with his tales of snap. “It was the last 15 cards of the game. I was down by 10 and Srini mama had the same look in his eye that he had when he threatened to leave the ICC. I took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and then I started playing in a trance like state. It was beautiful, you should have seen it. Pig, cow, horse I got them all. I kept saying snap and Srini looked more and more like a toad with indigestion.”

Could Shakespeare himself script a tale more inspiring? It wouldn’t be overstating it to say it was the single most nerve-wracking experience since a knight went off to slay a particularly pesky dragon.

Plan B Plan C

Plan A is to win in England. Plan B is to draw. I guess that would make this Plan C. Last time we got thrashed by England, MS Dhoni was able to blame a spate of injuries, no less than 10 players fell to the wayside as India were pummelled into oblivion. Alas, injuries are so 2011, so Dhoni needed another excuse if India were to lose.

Enter Binny. He’s batted at number 8, bowled 20 overs and apart from one score on a dead wicket against tiring bowlers, hasn’t had much contribution to make. That didn’t stop him from basically stopping short of proclaiming himself the next Faf du Plessis, but that isn’t the point. Dhoni can now blame the whole thing on Binny.

He’s played his hand well, barely giving Binny a chance to contribute. That is the only possible explanation for his treatment of him; it has nothing to do with Binny’s ability or lack of it.

So far Binny has taken it in his stride, but there is a sense that the world is conspiring against him. The pitch turns green when he bats and flat when he bowls, the English players have the gall to hit his short balls and half volleys for four, and every time he bats he falls agonizingly short of breaking Brian Lara’s world record score (392 runs adrift the last time).

Whaddaplaya.

Preparation

It is common knowledge that the two men in contention for the all-rounder’s spot in the lineup were Ravichandran Ashwin and Stuart Binny. Binny Junior knew the odds were stacked against him, as he had to overcome the dastardly CSK conspiracy that plagues Indian team selection. But Stuart Terrence Roger Binny is made of sterner stuff than the Whistle Podu, is he not?

After countless interrogations we discovered that following his historic tour of Bangladesh, Stuart, donning the Rajasthan Royals Jersey, set off for a secret training camp located deep in the Himalayas to learn the one and only art form that could defeat the CSK conspiracy. ROCK. PAPER. SCISSORS.

Yes, you read it right. A reliable source in the dressing room informs us that on the eve of the Test at Trent Bridge, Stuart dear stormed into Captain Cool’s room and demanded a face off. The game was of course rigged, like all games played by CSK, but Binny’s resilience and three weeks of training paid off. The blue jersey defeated the yellow, and Vada Sambhar was ordered to calm a sobbing Ashwin.

Needless to say, Stuart wasn’t little anymore.

Goodwill

The B.C.C.I. has always valued good relations with other cricket playing nations. In fact, they enjoy such good relations that they enjoyed overwhelming support when they threatened to leave the ICC. With the aim of furthering diplomacy, they picked the son of the only Anglo-Indian cricketer to play on this tour (this also speaks to the importance they give to one’s heritage, as they provided Stuart to visit his paternal ancestral home).

They knew of Alastair Cook’s slump in form and decided to step in. By introducing Binny as a ‘bowler’ in the team, they provided Cook with the perfect opportunity to recover his lost form.

There were of course limitations to this plan. Dhoni couldn’t well open the bowling with Binny as that would raise too many eyebrows and match-fixing allegations. Add to that the fact that Alastair Cook can’t survive the first ten overs, one feels rather sorry for the B.C.C.I. Always labelled as the bullies of cricket, no one realises they’re just a bunch of softies trying to help a struggling batsman.

Oh and if you were wondering why Stuart doesn’t bowl much, it’s because Cook is always out, and with that is his purpose for selection. Another tragedy.

“They’ll never know what hit them”

All round team man

Last (and definitely not least) comes the laudable conscientiousness and selfless care for others that got Binny in the squad. Another reliable source in the Indian camp (we’ve got a lot of these) informed us that over breakfast Binny decided to be rather kind and fetched the members of the team that were at his table some coffee.

To further his kindness, he decided to ensure that these teammates at his table, Gambhir, Ashwin, Rohit, Pankaj Singh, Ishwar Pandey, Aaron and Saha did not suffer irregular bowel movements by giving them a generous helping of laxative powder instead of creamer. His generosity went a bit too far when it came to his portioning of the laxatives, leaving these players to clog up Nottingham’s plumbing system.

Naturally, he wasn’t to blame as he doesn’t have a good grip on measurements. This is the same man who grew a moustache, wore a cape with tights (yes it was rather grotesque according to our source) and went around shouting ‘I’m Mitchell Johnson!’ shortly after clocking in at what he thought was 157 clicks (he clocked in at 115).

Of course, nobody was more disappointed that he himself. He has gone into a near depression of sorts, a source tells us (told you we have a lot of them), accounting for his below par batting performances so far. Team man that he is, he felt it was only fair that he be on hand to provide them with hydrating fluids and murmur encouragement outside the bathroom doors.

Guess it’s just a bad time to be a good guy.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional satirical article, and not intended for diehard Stuart Binny fans (do they exist?). Co-authored by ShantanuK and Yazad Z Aria.