The transfer season is perhaps the best season for the news outlets. It is a chance for people like us to make as much money as possible from clicks and hits as people will almost click on any transfer rumour that includes a decent player.
The transfer merry-go-round, right now, is at its full swing and the media outlets are weaving stories faster than grandmas weave sweaters. Almost every other day, Lionel Messi joins Manchester City or some big player joins China (which is, quite terrifyingly, really happening).
However, I like to help people, at least I try. And this is just one of my attempts to help the other outlets as here are 5 bollocks transfer rumour that could happen (and that they could use)
P.S This is a piece intended for humour and humour only. If you think this is for real, then...you shouldn't think that because it isn't.
#1 Luis Suarez to Korowai
Korowai, what's that? you may ask. Well, in short, they are a society that still eats Human flesh as a part of some voodoo ritual. If reports from Klooles Aytikes are to be believed, Luis Suarez is interested making a shock swoop to Korowai’s local football team.
His wages are yet to be disclosed, but the contract clause that has been leaked is that Suarez can bite as many players as he wants to as long as he doesn't call the dark-skinned Korowai people using the N word.
If, however, the Uruguayan falls prey to his ancestral habit of using the N word as a term of endearment, he will be given only fruit salads for every meal as a punishment.
However, the former Liverpool player is said to be very happy with the offer as he will get to bite human flesh without being under uncertainty of getting fined like he got when he bit Otman Bakkal, Giorgio Chiellini and Branislav Ivanovic.
#2 Karim Benzema to Naughty America as a director
Scandals and Benzema have become synonymous. When he was in his teens, he was caught sleeping with an underage prostitute. That is not all as just a year back, his name was heavily linked with the sex tape scandal of Mathieu Valbuena – something for which he was dropped from the France squad for the Euro 2016.
And now there’s more. Our highly unreliable source, Yelo Jarnaleest, has claimed that the French government will honour the forwards love of creating controversy by adding his name to the dictionary with the definition, “to sleep with underage prostitutes without knowing their age, and, directing colleagues’ s*x tape”.
However, the biggest news our source has brought to us is that Karim Benzema has decided to quit Real Madrid on a temporary basis to join Naughty America as a director. His indifferent form since the beginning of the season has forced him to make such a decision because the forward believes that could only replicate his best form when in his most comfortable surroundings. And that supposedly isn’t inside the opponent’s penalty box.
A friend of the former Lyon man told our source: “Karim thinks that last season was his best because was into directing such things. He might have been injured for the most part of the season, but that was because he had to carry the camera, which caused his back problem, and try different angles to shoot from, which hurt his thighs.”
Karim only just recovered from a groin injury and he thinks he got that injury because his testicles were raring to burst out and direct movies, he concluded.
#3 Daniel Sturridge to the treatment table
Given that Sturridge already spends more than half of his time on the hospital bed, was this even necessary? Perhaps Sturridge’s dance skills are more appreciated by the nurses and doctors of the hospital than his colleagues at Anfield, hence he wants to move on a permanent basis.
According to a report from lol.com, a nurse was so impressed with the England internationals dance skills that her eyes glittered while witnessing it. The light of her gaze made the Liverpool star emotional as he, according to the nurse, never saw such love in Gerard Pique’s eyes when he saw Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
Sturridge is said to have filed in a transfer request as he now wants to stay in a place where his dancing skills are appreciated. To be honest, however, this probably wasn't necessary as he gets injured as often as one uses the toilet during diarrhoea.
#4 Mario Balotelli to women’s prison
Curiosity has often led humans to do absolutely weird things. Some years ago, just out of pure curiosity, Mario Balotelli drove to a women’s prison to see how it was like. And, according to waddafakknews, Balotelli wants to go back.
It has been claimed that the Italian is no longer content with life as a footballer and wants to do something extreme. Despite the fact that he is doing extremely well and seems to have found a new lease of life at Nice, he wants to head back to the women’s prison that he wasn't allowed to see back in the day.
The reason for Balotelli’s absurd desire seems unclear at this point of time, but some rumours suggest that he is looking for a place where he could break up via texting and make up with someone else simultaneously; something that he did against Melissa Castagnoli during his tie at the Etihad.
#5 Cristiano Ronaldo to Lionel Messi’s shadow
After winning almost every individual honour for the year 2016, Cristiano Ronaldo has well and truly cemented his place outside the shade of his nemesis Lionel Messi, who held the Ballon d’Or for three straight years from 2010 to 2012. However, according to various reports, the Portugal captain isn't in love with his new life outside the shadow of the Argentine.
It has been further reported that the former Manchester United winger doesn't like his tanned skin anymore and wants to get back the fair tone. It is for these reasons that the former Sporting starlet is playing below par, on purpose, so that he can get back to the shadow of the Argentina captain.
With a torrid start to the year 2017, it seems as though that reigning Ballon d’Or winner has already moved forward in strides towards the dark and small shadow of the Barcelona number 10.
