As France beat Germany in a major tournament after 58 years, the entire country of France was celebrating pompously––and why not? After years of controversy and ego clashes, this France team has risen above all barriers to play to their immense talent and secure a place in the final.
However, despite winning the semi-final, there were fans that were mocking a certain French player for his lack of speed.
As Olivier Giroud was clean through on goal with only Neuer to beat, his pace was so slow that Benedikt Howedes recovered and tackled the ball off him despite starting a good 20 yards behind him.
This prompted people to make many jokes about his lack of his pace—and we are no different either as we list out the 5 things that are quicker than Olivier Giroud…
1) Average internet speed in under-developed countries
Internet speed in the under-developed countries is a travesty, to put it in simple terms. Obviously, it would be wrong to expect it to be high given that most people find it difficult to provide food for themselves and their families, so the internet is a long shot.
Even though a new wave of broadband companies have risen to provide the masses with great internet speed, the average internet speed in those countries is still way below the average of the world.
As per data collected from speedtest.net, the average download speed in the under-developed is below the 1Mbps mark, putting it among the slowest internet connection in the world.
Yet, when put in comparison to Giroud, the internet speed of those countries seems like Flash against your average human being. If the French striker was an internet connection, he would be a dial-up modem of the late 90s.
2) Three-toed sloth
A quick Google search would reveal to you that the slowest animal on the planet is the sloth. They move so slowly—0.003 miles per hour—that algae grow over them.
However, they are still quicker than the France number 9. It is quite unfathomable how Benedikt Howedes—not so fast himself—caught up with Olivier Giroud after the latter was put through on goal with only the goalkeeper to beat.
We can now safely assume that if the defender was a sloth instead of the Schalke defender, it would still catch up with the Arsenal forward and tackle the ball off him with its toes.
3) Aging of wine
They say that wine doesn’t age, that it gets better with time. However, there comes a time when it becomes sour like vinegar and, hence, undrinkable. Though, the thing with wine is that it takes a very long time before it becomes inconsumable—in most cases, more than a 100 years.
However, if Olivier Giroud was wine, he would be the best wine in the whole world simply because the aging would be so slow that people could drink it even after a 1000 years.
La Olivier Tortue would be an apt name for a wine that resembled him.
4) Drone Metal music
Have you ever listened to music so slow that a song is generally over 30 minutes long? Drone Metal is one of the many branches of metal music but is highly distinguishable when compared to others. For one, the music runs at 20-30 beats per minute, making it the slowest kind of music the world has ever produced.
Now if one were to make a new genre of music to honour Olivier Giroud, it would have to have about 5 beats per minute in order perfectly depict the Frenchman. The music would be so slow that it would cure insomnia in an instant because the listener would be lulled to sleep within moments.
5) The movie “Boyhood”
If there was ever a movie that oozed patience with its slow-paced storyline, it is Boyhood. The movie was filmed for over a period of 12 years and with the same cast. It is an art film that depicts the lives of two children from their childhood till they reach high school.
Despite being a classy movie, one would be lying if she/he said that they didn’t yawn at least once while watching it.
If a movie was made on Olivier Giroud, the pre-movie credits scene itself would take hours to pan out completely. If you begin watching the movie alone, you will have your children and grandchildren around you by the time the movie ends.
