Not every bad guy and villain can be labelled a supervillain. You have to be bad - very bad and very evil. You have to be famous, or infamous in this case, to qualify as one. And you have to become the stuff of legend, or pop culture as the kids call it these days. When you think of super villains you should immediately be conjuring up the image of Darth Vader or Voldemort or Sauron in your mind.
If you know him, you either love him (because you’re crazy) or you hate him. You don’t have to stretch your imagination too far to see the parallels between master villains and certain football players. Their identities will not come as a surprise.
In fact, some of these players would make very good super villains themselves. They are fiendish enough to pull off an alternate career as any one of our favourite evil villains.
Here’s a look at seven players who would make great super villains:
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and they do not necessarily represent the views of Sportskeeda.
7. Nigel de Jong as Bane
We’d have to change focus from the Marvel universe to DC to find a super villain Dutch football player Nigel de Jong could play. Remember Bane, a mercenary and Batman’s enemy? The role of such a formidable villain is best suited for De Jong – a man well known for his career-ending tackles.
If you’re aware of your comic lore, or just seen Christopher Nolan’s ‘The Dark Night Rises’ you have a fair idea of who Bane is – a physically enhanced and trained killing machine due to his brute strength.
He is famed as the only one of the Bat’s enemies to have ‘broken’ him. Bane literally broke the Dark Knight’s back when he picked him up and threw him on his knee, turning Batman into a paraplegic. If this sounds familiar, it’s because De Jong has done something similar, not once but twice in his career.
In 2010, he broke the leg of Stuart Holden of Bolton Wanderers after a horribly late and reckless challenge. Later that year itself, in October another one of his rash challenges resulted in Hatem Ben Arfa fracturing his left tibia and fibula. He also kicked Xabi Alonso straight in the chest during the 2010 FIFA World Cup but was unable to cause much damage.
The Dutch midfielder continues to play football to this day in search of more bones to break and fracture. Who else can play the man who broke Batman except a ‘breaker of bones’ like Nigel de Jong himself?
6. Eric Cantona as Colt
Chuck Norris, or Rajnikanth of Hollywood to us Indians, began his rise to indestructible infamy in martial arts films. One such movie was ‘Return of the Dragon’ where he played his most iconic character Colt, an American sensei pitted against, you guessed it, Bruce Lee.
As all martial arts movies go, they meet each other for a final battle and even though Bruce Lee wins (duh, he’s the hero), Colt became a part of pop culture. Colt will always personify a high flying style of kung fu.
Kung fu brings us to Eric Cantona, the Manchester United legend who somehow thought it was a good idea to launch himself at a Crystal Palace fan, Matthew Simmons after he was sent off. The Frenchman aimed a high kung fu kick at Simmons and then got into a fistfight with the man.
The French forward’s moment of madness makes him the perfect Colt – for once it will be fine for him to kick another person like that. And, he’s a proven actor.
5. Zlatan Ibrahimovic as Loki
The Marvel Cinematic Universe made Loki, son of Odin, brother of Thor, famous. And if you didn’t already know it, Loki is the God of Mischief in the pantheon of Norse gods. Traditionally depicted as mischievous, MCU did a very good job on his character development – in fact, most fans of the first Avengers movie like it because of him.
Loki is the villain everyone loves, and not just the crazy ones. He’s the bad guy who makes being a villain look fun.
And when we think of fun in football, our thoughts go immediately to Zlatan Ibrahimovic. The Swedish forward is definitely not a nice guy but not one of the worst either – he is famous for his arrogance and an absolute delight to behold both on and off the pitch.
He’s a formidable opponent on the field and a whole lot of fun, off it. Whether it’s his interviews, social media posts or public appearances, he never fails to amuse. The man knows how to hold your attention and makes you like him even when you don’t want to.
4. Maradona as Tony Montana
Diego Maradona of Argentina requires very little introduction, his ‘hand of God’ goal even less. The entire arc of his career is very well documented, including his drug problems. Football players have been caught using performance enhancers before and it’s surely going to happen again.
But no one has ever had a publicised drug problem like Maradona – he barely tried to hide it. He is absolutely famous for his addiction to cocaine – he tested positive for the stuff when he was playing for Napoli.
Considering his background, Maradona is the perfect fit for one villain – Tony Montana from Scarface. Only Maradona could feel at home, sitting at a desk with a mound of cocaine in front of him. Only he would look good sitting there in his flashy, mobster clothes, a wrist watch on either hand waiting to shove his face into the pile of snow in front of him.
Neither is Maradona averse to shooting people. Remember when he shot at journalists with an air rifle in 1994 and was handed a suspended jail sentence for it?
3. Joey Barton as Joffrey Baratheon
Joffrey Baratheon was a singularly sadistic character in Game of Thrones with no concern for anyone except himself and a total disregard for any decency. No one was as reprehensible as him until Ramsey Bolton (Snow) and he deserved his end every bit.
That said, Joffrey’s cruelty and bloodthirsty nature makes him universally disliked. When he was dying, purple in the face, there were only smiles.
There are very few football players as universally disliked. However, one name comes to mind, that of Joey Barton, the former Manchester City and Queens Park Ranger player. It isn’t just one incident that makes him ideal to be Joffrey, but a long string of them, much like the former King of Westeros himself.
Joffrey didn’t do one bad thing, he did a host of despicable things.
Barton has mooned Everton fans, assaulted and run over people, verbally abused and, wait-for-it, he stubbed out a lit cigarette in the eye of a fellow player at a Christmas party? Where was the holiday cheer and goodwill? As a consequence, he has suffered many suspensions, served an actual jail sentence, been to anger management and behavioural therapy, basically the works.
2. Luis Suarez as Hannibal Lecter
Luis Suarez is an exceptional striker. Unfortunately for him, his history, the one where he bites his opponents, will always cast a shadow on his achievements. And the fact he’s done it thrice just makes it worse. He bit Otman Bakkal when he played for Ajax in 2010.
Then, in 2013 he sunk his teeth into Branislav Ivanovic and got suspended for 10 games and finally, during the 2014 FIFA World Cup he bit Giorgio Chiellini. Given his propensity, he would make the perfect Hannibal Lecter.
Hannibal is a fascinating study in human psychology, and whether it’s the books, movies or the latest TV series you’re thinking of, the one thing that stands out is the doctor's cannibalism. He is famous in popular culture for his preferences in food and who better to emulate him (but not really) than the teeth gnasher himself, Luis Suarez.
His opponents might even feel a little more safe and secure if he came on the pitch wearing Lecter’s mask.
1. Cristiano Ronaldo as the Evil Queen from Snow White
To see this one through, put all kinds of gender biases aside because in no way am I suggesting Cristiano Ronaldo is like a woman. Ronaldo fans back off.
We all remember the Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – a jealous and selfish matriarch obsessed with being the best, in her case, being the most beautiful. What happens thereafter is famous. She uses her magical mirror to wreak havoc on the kingdom and have Snow White killed.
All of us also remember the one question she repeatedly asked it, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’
The only football player who can pull off asking that question convincingly is Cristiano Ronaldo. His obsession with being the best is always on display for the world to see. Of course, he has been one of the best players in the world for quite some years now and his talent is unquestionable.
However, his efforts to always be better and his tantrums on the field, make him much like the Evil Queen herself. She was beautiful too, exceptionally so, but had to go that extra mile to make sure.
Imagine Ronaldo as soon as he wakes up in the morning – he goes up to a magical mirror, or more realistically, Siri or Cortana and asks, ‘Who is the best football player of them all?’
