These days, football has become a sport where, to be among the best, one has to have an optimum level of fitness. It is not a coincidence that Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi rarely ever get injured. It is simple; the lesser you get injured, the more you play, and the better your performances are.
However, the Argentine is going through somewhat of a rough patch with injuries. It is not the kind of rough patch that pre-teens these days go through where choosing the color of their pencil box becomes the equivalent of mid-life crisis. No, this is something deeper.
The season is just over a month old and the Blaugrana star and Argentinian talisman has already sustained had two groin injuries. He has had this problem before and one can only wonder as to what could be the cause of Messi’s recurring injury.
According to Dr. Bitter Blanco Fan (who lives but a stones’ throw from La Masia), the source of Messi’s injury is the lack of any discernable male private parts..
“Leo is just one of the many people in this world who suffer from this problem,” said Dr. Bitter Blanco Fan, alluding to other famous personalities like Vincent Van Gogh and Donald Trump.
“This is an injury that occurs often among people who are quitters when the going gets tough. The other day, I treated a patient for the same problem. I later found out that he began having this problem after quitting his job because the coffee machine in his office was broken. In his defense, life without coffee isn’t a life worth living now, is it?
“It is similar with Leo, too. All of you know how he bowed out with grace and dignity after losing a third final in a row. The moment he said he will retire from the national team, he lost his three amigos (who he calls Ramos, Pepe and Navas) like CM Punk lost to his to Mickey Gall. This is a well-documented phenomenon. In everyday life, it usually happens when a man decides to get married or take a loan. The disease has officially been named Wherus My Privatus.
“And once you lose your naughty bits, you become susceptible to groin injuries. This is because the body is expecting your crown jewels to soften any blow. The absence of that softener causes anxiety and in certain cases a desire to watch entire seasons of The Real Housewives of Catalunya.”
Indeed, with two injuries in similar places, it seems as though Dr. Bitter Blanco Fan might be right after all. Dr. Blanco further stated that Messi’s defense for the tax-evasion case also played a crucial role in exposing him to the injuries.
Despite having his signatures on the papers, the former Newell’s kid came up with a silly “I wasn’t aware” retaliation. “The moment he said it, his Bangers 'n' Mash decided to take a vacation much like the protagonists from the movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, except when it comes to the disease, Javier Bardem never gets involved in any way,” continued Dr. Fan while caressing his chest hair while gazing longingly in the direction of La Masia through his office window.
“Our 15-year-olds are so talented,” is the last thing he said to me, with a look on his face which wouldn't have been out of place on the face of one Humbert Humbert.
Note: this news is fak-er than the masquerade that politicians engage in. Please don’t take it seriously or you might end up being at the end of a Ronaldo scissor kick to the groin, which by the way is another symptom of Wherus My Privatus.
