Satire: An ode to Ashley Young

Football is a game, played and followed in nearly as many countries in the world as the Globe knows and shows.

The game is fairly simple. There are 11 players on both the sides; all trying to hit one poor little ball in the opponent’s net. They do this for 90 minutes and after a sweat breaking effort, whichever side does it more number of times is declared the winner. A short simple and merciless game (from the ball’s point of view, I feel for it!) invented by the humans.

The players are popular knights of their clubs and national teams who help their sides win the wars against their rivals. They are paid handsomely and live a pretty life with extremely pretty women.

It’s a clichéd world out there. It has been pretty much the same since the game incepted.

National interests are a different ball game altogether, but when you talk about club football and you look through the old history books, you find one name that stands out. They have been the most impressive group of guys for as long as we know. Manchester United has been through all and seen everything from glory (they keep making fans proud) to tragedy (1958 plane accident).

Right now Manchester United has two of the best strikers in the world leading the way in Robin Van Persie and Wayne Rooney. But are they really the best? Do they truly lead like that? You think so?

Well, you might, Sir Alex Ferguson might have. David Moyes, the present manager of the legendary red jersey team begs to differ.

“Ashley Young” he often exclaims, “is my man…the leader of the dressing room.”

Mr. Young is a path breaking player. He has brought in a new way of playing soccer.

“Diving”…“I love how he does it. He got his ways.” Moyes winks.

This is a special move performed by Mr. Young which showcases how a person can transcend a move like diving onto the field of soccer and so effortlessly. He has changed the ways in which people used to see football.

“He is absolutely amazing; he sometimes dives better than Tom Daley.” The proud manager exclaims with glittering eyes.

He is a pioneer of slow and subtle running too.

“There is no word like ‘Sprint’ in my dictionary”, the legendary English winger said once.

He has won hearts for his ‘sprint-less’ running.

“The other night, against the Hulls, he forgot the match and had an impromptu 100 meters sprint with a grasshopper. He let the poor thing win too. He is just a sublime example of gentlemanliness and humility.” Moyes recently told the press.

Ashley Young is one of a kind player. It is not every day that an Ashley Young is born.

His training regime, his fitness level and dedication can put any nobody to shame.

He begins his day taking one round around the field which he completes in an awe-inspiring time of 3 hours, after which he needs to take rest.

“My day just passes in a whiff! I don’t even get to see my face properly in the mirror.” Ashley says.

While most of the footballers stay busy fixing their weaknesses on field and their love lives, the legendary Mr. Young is been sincerely working on a book called ‘1000000001 WAYS OF GIFTING PENALTIES TO THE OPPOSITION’

“I got the inspiration when I got through this career threatening injury few years back. I always wanted to do something for the rivals. I mean, come on, everyone plays for his own team, that’s too mainstream.” A proud Mr. Young says.

“I have been implementing those ways into my game plan and David just loves them.” He adds.

David Moyes was indeed seen wiping off tears after one of those ‘Young’s penalty gifting dives’.

“He just couldn’t hold back that night.” Young laughs.

Ashley Young, ladies and gentleman is also an underrated maestro at acting.

“I always wanted to get to LA. It was a childhood dream; I got it in my veins.” He was heard saying at the ‘Turtle Runners Awards’. “Look where destiny brought me to.”

What if you couldn’t make it to Hollywood, Ashley, we love how you use your talent on the field.

Too bad, there is no academy or golden globe for ‘best actor on the football field’. You would have killed other nominations.

As Young says brimming with confidence, somewhat quoting the great St. Coleridge,

“The Rooneys may come and the Persies may go, but I go on forever. I am here to stay and David just knows that.” He winks with a grin.

We wish the great winger a great Christmas and a very successful new year ahead. Jersey no. 18 will never be same after you are gone Mr. Young.