Satire: Arsenal fans react to rumours of Fabregas moving to United

DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

Cue Michael Jackson’s ‘Remember The Time’

With the latest news that Manchester United have allegedly made a bid for erstwhile Arsenal captain and current Barcelona player Cesc Fabregas, the keenly analytic amongst the internet folk have been quick to detect a trend of former Arsenal skippers moving northward to Manchester. In accordance, we sent out our roving reporter, aptly name Roving Reporter (clever, no?), to capture the sentiments of the Arsenal fans. Here are some snippets:

RR: So, what do you have to say about United’s bid for Fabregas?

Gooner4Lyf: Arsene Wenger is awesome!

RR: And what of Cesc?

Gooner4Lyf: In Arsene, we trust.

Clearly, he is unaffected.

RR: So what of United bidding for Cesc?

WeWillChallengeForTheTop4: Damn it, man! Can’t United buy players from other clubs?

RR: Well, they seem to be intent on Arsenal for the time being.

WeWillChallengeForTheTop4: That sucks, man! Fabregas, pleeeeeeeease come back home.

Clearly, he is stricken.

RR: So, is Cesc set to follow van Persie?

WeHaveBigTransferBudget: I think we will make a big money signing.

RR: And Cesc will be that signing?

WeHaveBigTransferBudget: We have the best finances in the league. In Arsene, we trust.

Clearly, money is key.

RR: So, will Cesc be the next Arsenal captain to play at Manchester United?

WeHavePotential: Who cares, man! Rosicky, FTW!

RR: Really? Rosicky?

WeHavePotential: Well, we must make do with what we have got. Maybe we will buy a 14-year-old French guy and then, after six years, will sell him to Real Madrid and make money. Woo hoo!

Clearly, the focus is not on Cesc.

RR: So, first van Persie, then Fabregas. What is happening?

AlwaysInEurope: As we speak, Arsene Wenger is putting in an additional clause into every player’s contract that if they are ever made Arsenal captain, they cannot sign for Manchester United.

RR: Brilliant tactic.

AlwaysInEurope: Yes. The first 20 games of the season are going to have 20 different captains. Even Arsene Wenger is going to play a game.

Clearly, the eye is on the future and being pro-active to avoid any further debacles.

RR: How hard would it be to take if Cesc followed van Persie and went to Old Trafford?

PragmaticGoon: Look, at the end of the day, football is a game and Cesc is a player.

RR: So?

PragmaticGoon: So, if Cesc wants to go, then Cesc will go.

RR: Wow! Magnanimous, to say the least.

PragmaticGoon: However…

RR: How did I not see this coming?

PragmaticGoon: However, if Cesc wants to go to United, then we will have to get Rooney in return.

RR: That’s sort of unrelated, don’t you think?

PragmaticGoon: Of course it is related. We have first option on Cesc. We will activate that clause and then negotiate with United for Rooney.

RR: And what if you do activate the clause and then United refuse to play ball?

PragmaticGoon: How can United do that to us?

RR: Well, they could.

PragmaticGoon: In that case, we’ll just sell him back to Barca.

RR: So, you don’t want him then.

PragmaticGoon: Well, he’s not French. I don’t know how much Wenger fancies him, to be honest. In Arsene, we trust.

Clearly, contingency plans have been well thought out.

The last word, we shall leave to Arsene Wenger. ‘Yes, Cesc is a former Arsenal captain and yes, he is a current Barcelona player and yes, we have first option to buy him back and yes, Manchester United are interested and yes, I am going to talk about it. However, I can say that Cesc is not an Arsenal player and that Cesc is a Barcelona player. I can also say that Cesc is a Barcelona player but may not be a Barcelona player. He might go to Man United but still be a Barcelona player. He might even be an Arsenal player but be a Man United player.‘

Decipher that if you can. The sound ~~bite~~ byte ended with a mention of Luis Suarez. It was only apt. No pun intended.