Satire: Gerard Pique's guide on how to stop worrying and hate Real Madrid

Hello, all. I would like to welcome you to my—Gerard Pique’s—guide on how to stop worrying and channel that on hating Real Madrid instead.

For those of you who don’t know me, nah… all of you who are reading this know me and my blatantly apparent disgust of the disease that is Real Madrid Club. I refuse to call it a football club because I have seen circuses that are more organized and well-run than this joke of a club.

My hatred for them is more ostensible than M. Night Shyamalan’s tendency to end his movies with a forced twist—I can see it from light-years away. It is for this reason that I am getting weird signals on my computer from another galaxy (which, by the way, is NOT an antivirus alert asking me to buy a license as my crack has been exposed, like Iniesta says).

Anyways, sorry for digressing. This is one of the reasons why I don’t write much; I drag myself out of the proportion in every aspect of life—like how I wanted to date Zlatan Ibrahimovic but ended up with Shakira.

So, how to be a true Real Madrid hater? There are many ways and they are as follows…

1. Blame Franco for everything.

2. Celebrate their losses with more zeal than Barca’s wins.

3. Accuse Florentino Perez of bribing the referee whenever they get a penalty, even if it is legit.

4. Take the moral high ground by claiming that we pay Unicef for being on our jerseys instead of being commercial sharks like them.

5. Never admit that their youth academy is great.

6. Always mock them for having Julien Faubert as a player.

7. Use your keyboard warrior skills on Twitter to mock anything from a facial expression to a major signing by Real Madrid.

8. Don’t watch Real Madrid games, but criticize their playing style.

9. Criticize them for spending a lot of money instead of promoting youth players like we do.

10. Cristiano Ronaldo obsession

The final point is the most important one of them: Cristiano Ronaldo obsession. Every cule that seeks perfection in hating Real Madrid must become a stalker of Cristiano Ronaldo.

Take me for example. I have a Cristiano Ronaldo photo on my bedside, I have his pic on the wall of my toilet, I have his posters in every corner of my home. Why? So that I am constantly reminded that the sole purpose of my life is to make fun of him.

Indeed, I even own 10 pairs of CR7 underwears so that I can always murmur, “this is where you belong,” after wearing them.

Being a Real Madrid hater is a fun job since one gets so many chances to aim their digs at them. Like, they have so much money, and yet own a broken fax machine. It is like having bowels made of gold while also suffering from constipation at the same time. Did that make sense?

Well, who cares as long as it is a hit against Real Madrid? I certainly don’t. Neither should any aspiring hater.

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction meant for humour pure purposes. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner.