Disclaimer: This is a fake FB wall, not to be confused with the real thing.

Ravindra Jadeja: Hello, Chris. People are calling you the next Ravindra Jadeja. Let me tell you, there is just one and only one Sir Ravindra Jadeja.

Chris Gayle: Totally agree. I can never become a Jadeja. By the way, you scored a duck in the last game and conceded 45 runs in 3 overs. Naa, I can’t become another Sir Jadeja, never.

Ravindra Jadeja: That’s more like it. I’ve scored triple hundreds in domestic cricket. Have you? No.

Chris Gayle: No, maaann. But I did come close to getting a double hundred in a T20 game. If only I was playing for records, I probably would. . .

Ravindra Jadeja: My performances have made teams win more matches than yours.

Chris Gayle: Yes, if you are talking about the opposition teams, there is no competition.

Ravindra Jadeja: When there is 1 ball left and 2 runs to win, I still win it with 1 ball to spare, despite getting out.

Chris Gayle: Oh! I lose here too. When I’m batting, we win with 3 to 4 overs to spare. So, I’ve never got a chance to do that.

Ravindra Jadeja: Form is temporary, class is permanent. In a few days, the world will realise who’s better.

Chris Gayle: You meant to say ‘lack of class’, right Sir?

Ravindra Jadeja: Stop insulting me, you mortal. When you are batting, fielders may become spectators and spectators may become fielders. But when I’m batting, all fielders and spectators become devotees.

Chris Gayle: Yes, devotees like Priyanka Chopra in that Pepsi ad. Don’t worry, they end up cheering for me in the end.

Ravindra Jadeja: This is heights. Next time CSK plays RCB, I dare you to bowl to me. 6 sixes in an over, guaranteed.

Chris Gayle: I offer the same challenge to you. 7 sixes in one over guaranteed.

Ravindra Jadeja: How?

Chris Gayle: No-ball! What goes around comes all the way back around. Not a Justin Timberlake fan, are you?

Disclaimer: This is a fictional account and not an actual conversation between the two players.

Disclaimer: This is a fake FB wall, not to be confused with a real one.

And then He said, ‘Let there be light.’

2 runs needed to win off 1 ball. Only Sir Ravindra Jadeja can get out caught, take a single and win the game for his team with a ball to spare. Don’t blame RCB. Stop crediting CSK. It was Sir Ravindra Jadeja’s mystic powers that helped his team overcome the Royal Challengers yesterday at Chepauk. The crowd went berserk and many watching the game on their television were stunned to silence.

Here are the possibilities of what could have happened in those 30 seconds before the final delivery.

1. Sir Ravindra Jadeja kicked some dust that moved the popping crease at the bowler’s end a yard behind.

2. Sir Ravindra Jadeja used his mystic powers to force the umpire to signal a no-ball and quickly altered the video tapes like Saif Ali Khan does in the song ‘Pyar ki pungi baja kar’.

3. Sir Ravindra Jadeja got into RP Singh’s mind and forced him to bowl a no ball – Inception while the person is awake.

4. Sir Ravindra Jadeja used a real-time real-life software called ‘RJ Paint’ similar to ‘MS Paint’ to cut a part of the ground that belonged to RP Singh’s run up area, so that his calculation goes wrong and oversteps.

Here are some reactions from players and experts on the sequence of events that unfolded in the last 30 seconds of the game.

If RP hadn’t bowled a no-ball, Sir would have used his mystic powers to push the boundary rope ahead of that fielder before he took the catch. So, let’s not wonder how it happened, let’s be happy it happened! – MS Dhoni.

Sir Ravindra Jadeja could have also reduced the target without anyone getting to know and they could have won the game without all this heart-pounding drama. Respect him for keeping us at the edge of our seats. – N Srinivasan.

I’m just happy Sir Jadeja took the game to the final ball. Knowing his mystic powers, he could have finished the game in the powerplay overs. – Virat Kohli

I thank Sir Ravindra Jadeja for not finishing things off in the first three balls by hitting three sixes in a row. He could have easily done that – RP Singh

From now on, I will change my cliched commentary phrase, ‘This is just what the doctor ordered’ to ‘This is just what Sir ordered’. - Ravi Shastri

I was watching the game with N Srinivasan and his astrologer. They’ve told me to rename my airlines to Sir Airways if I want it to fly again. I’ve nothing to lose now, I guess I will try doing that. – Dr. Vijay Mallya

This isn’t the first time Ravindra Jadeja’s mystic skills have come to the limelight. A couple of days ago, MS Dhoni called Ravindra Jadeja ‘Sir’ several times on Twitter. But Dhoni doesn’t seem to remember any of it. Ravindra Jadeja went for a whopping 2 million USD in the 2011 IPL auctions. Video footage suggested that the team owners continued to raise their hand and bid for Jadeja while their faces suggested a sorry expression wondering why they are still bidding.

Disclaimer: As the title suggests, this is a work of fiction and is meant to be in jest.

Hello folks. Welcome to Fake IPL News brought to you by Kingfisher Airlines. Here are the top stories this hour.

Watching youngsters like Rahul Dravid, Brad Hodge, Muttiah Muralitharan and Azhar Mahmood succeed in the IPL, Sunil Gavaskar has decided to come out of retirement. He will be available for the IPL 7 auctions on one condition. “The team that wants to bid for me should ground the bat on the table rather than raising it and holding it up. Only then I will agree to play for their team”, Sunny G said.

Karishma Kotak will soon host the ‘cricket’ version of Kaun Banega Crorepati (a spinoff of ‘Who wants to be a millionaire?’). The selection committee headed by Navjot Sidhu said Karishma was the first choice host. “She knows cricket that nobody else knows. She is always excited and she’s easy on the eye. We didn’t look beyond her,”said Sidhu, who was Karishma’s house mate in the Big Boss house.

Kamal R Khan has agreed to perform in the IPL closing ceremony this year for just 2 rupees. He’s expected to give a rap song performance, featuring Sunny Leone. KRK accidentally typed out  the lyrics of the song on Twitter while trying to memorize it. “Kabhi yeah UP yeah Bihar yeah Aake yeah Dekhna yeah Mehman ko yeah Bhagwan yeah Samajthe yeah Hai yeah. Everybody say Hai yeah Hai yeah.”

Harbhajan Singh and Ricky Ponting to star in a Bollywood movie ‘Yeh Dosti Hum Nahi Chodenge’. Nita Ambani will direct the movie while Farah Khan will do the Jumping Jhapaks. The announcement came after Harbhajan hugged Punter very tight when the latter took a spectacular catch against the Delhi Daredevils off Bhajji’s bowling. Andrew Symonds to play the role of a villain.

The BCCI has granted Sir Ravindra Jadeja permission to own an IPL team. Jadeja will not just be the owner, but he will also be the batting coach, bowling coach, captain, wicketkeeper, brand ambassador and cheerleader too. The matches will be live on Sir TV and the team will be called “Sir Royal Knight Super Challenger Daredevil Indians”.

That’s all we have for now. Please join us again, same time same place as we bring  you all the latest fake news from the Indian Premier League.

Disclaimer: As the title suggests, this is a work of fiction and is meant to be in jest.

NOTE: Click on image to enlarge

Disclaimer: This is a fake FB wall, not to be confused with a real one.

‘It’s that time of the year again’

It’s that time of the year again when most cricket writers start their articles with ‘it’s that time of the year again’. The Indian Premier League will take us on a detour for a couple of months. For some, the detour seems to be exciting, adventurous and fun, while for a few, it turns out to be a bumpy ride.

A couple of years ago, the number of Ravindra Jadeja fans were lesser than the number of tigers in India. But now, thanks to the IPL, which proved to be a catalyst in Jaddu’s life, he would be featuring in more than 90% of the Fantasy League teams this year. Chris Gayle is probably a couple of centuries away from forcing the Bangalore folks to start calling their city Ban’Gayle’ore. The Mumbaikars believe Lasith Malinga is a local, all thanks to the Indian Premier League.

There are plenty of reasons for your girlfriend to hate the IPL. Kevin Pietersen not playing this year and Brett Lee or Virat Kohli not playing for the city she’s from, can be a couple of them. Of course, not spending time with her during the evenings might also turn out to be a very minor reason. The ladies at your house, your mother and wife, will curse their man for not allowing them to watch TV soaps. In some cases, the guys crib about the women in the house not letting them watch the IPL.

Nobody bothers about ‘India at 9’ or ‘Face the nation’ that were otherwise popular shows by a few top news channels. The productivity decreases by more than a half among people who have the curse of working in the evening shift. You see more people honking on the roads between 7 PM and 8 PM. Among the others whose businesses suffer are the radio stations, restaurants without a giant screen to showcase the game, coffee shops and movie makers.

The IPL promo ad featuring Farah Khan is extremely annoying. But, in the next month or so, without the slightest of knowledge, you will be humming the lyrics of that ad. It’s been proven over the past, with annoying songs like ‘De Ghumake’(World Cup), ‘Vissay Vissay’(World T20 in SL) and ‘O la la O la la’(Champions League). You feel hypnotized by the IPL and hallucinate, hearing the trumpet sound while you’re trying to sleep.

School kids don’t get up on time. They feel sleepy in classes. Teachers and a few classmates start looking like cheerleaders for college students. They expect strategy breaks after every class. They wonder why exams cannot be shortened like the T20. The shop vendors add an IPL related prefix to most of their dishes/items. The milkman asks you about the six Dhoni hit in the previous game. From original to local, you spot team jerseys everywhere. But a couple of things don’t change – Ravi Shastri’s clichés and the fate of Indian fast bowlers.

Disclaimer: The questions and answers presented below are a work of fiction and written for humour purposes only. They are meant to be in jest and not intended to offend any celebrity or player.

Who’s your biggest threat during the IPL?

Shah Rukh Khan: That security guard at the Wankhede.

What do you look forward to during the IPL?

Rahul Sharma and Wayne Parnell: Of course, all the birthday parties that happen during the tournament.

Your favourite IPL moment.

Nita Ambani: Can’t call this an IPL moment but.. When Bhajji did what nobody could. Lift… Not me, the Champions League.

Are players emotionally involved with the game during the IPL?

Sreesanth: If you’re slapped on the face like Bhajji did to me, even you will get emotional.

What’s the best thing about the IPL?

Danny Morrison: LSRK’s commentary… I’m kidding… Haha… The cheerleaders, of course man. Double Ds.. I mean Delhi Daredevils.

How’s the IPL different from International cricket?

Virat Kohli: In International cricket, you can easily use MC BC. The opposition players don’t understand. You can’t do it in the IPL.

How do you stop corruption in the IPL?

BCCI: Pretty easy. We just stop talking about it.

Now that you are the mentor, what changes should we expect from the side?

Ganguly: I’ve made it mandatory for the boys to remove the shirt and celebrate after taking every wicket. They will also make an effort to remain fit that way.

Do you think this IPL is your final chance to make a comeback to the Indian side?

Rohit Sharma: No. I have full faith in the selectors.

What did  you tell the boys in the team meeting?

Preity Zinta: Tight hug only for top performers.

Do you see your team in the top 4 this year?

Dale Steyn: Yawnnnn!

What measures have been taken to avoid spot-fixing?

N Srinivasan: We have a spider-cam that can shoot video of any spot in the ground. No chance of spot fixing!!

How do you plan to control your aggression?

Praveen Kumar: By banging my head against the chest of whoever provoked me.

Who do you think will win the IPL this year?

Ravi Shastri: ‘Cricket’ will be the real winner.

You’ve always surprised everyone. Is there something new that we would get to see this IPL?

Ravindra Jadeja: I’ll be wearing a half-orange half-purple Cap. Yes, you guessed it right – highest run getter and highest wicket taker.

Disclaimer: The questions and answers presented above are a work of fiction and written for humour purposes only. They are meant to be in jest and not intended to offend any celebrity or player.

New captain Virat Kohli and the marauding batsman Chris Gayle will be a force to reckon with.

There’s no match to Dr. Vijay Mallya’s Royal Challengers Bangalore when entertainment or glamour quotient comes into picture. They don’t stand too far behind, even when the quality of cricket they play is compared with that of the other top teams. The Royal Challengers, who finished 7th in the inaugural edition of the Indian Premier League, came runners up in the 2009 season and featured in the semis in 2010. In 2011, they made it to the final, yet again proving to be one of the most consistent teams alongside the Chennai Super Kings.

Overseas talent – The spine of Royal Challengers:

The biggest fear for the other teams will be the overseas roster of the Royal Challengers. They are filled with stars tailor-made for the shortest format. While Chris Gayle, Tillakaratne Dilshan and AB de Villiers form the core of their batting firepower, their bowling attack has world class spinners like Daniel Vettori and Muttiah Muralitharan. The Royal Challengers also have street smart all-rounders in Daniel Christian and Moises Henriques. Ravi Rampaul is another addition in the bowling department but with the ‘maximum of 4 foreign players’ rule, it will be tough for him to find a place in the XI.

Chris Gayle was the leading run getter of the tournament in the 2011 and the 2012 edition with 733 and 608 runs respectively and the Challengers would be hoping for a similar show from the big man in 2013.

The local talent – A dodgy territory:

Plenty of responsibility will be bestowed on the new captain of the Royal Challengers – Virat Kohli. The format suits his aggressive nature but it remains to be seen how well he can lead his brigade. Cheteshwar Pujara will be out of action for the first few games which means Mayank Agarwal might get a look in. Zaheer Khan’s fitness is a concern and the other Indian fast bowlers in RP Singh, Vinay Kumar, Abhimanyu Mithun, Sreenath Aravind, Jaydev Unadkat and Pankaj Singh haven’t proved to be real threats to any opposition in the past. They have performed well in patches but struggled to handle pressure.

Murali Karthik seems to be a smart addition to the spin department that also has KP Appanna and Syed Mohammed. Saurabh Tiwary, who went for a whopping 1.6 Million USD in the 2011 auctions, has flattered to deceive. Onus will be on him to perform in case the team still finds him worthy of featuring in the playing XI.

Home conditions – A twist in the tale:

Pleasant weather and the ground dimensions have always provided a pleasurable experience for both the cricketers and the crowds that turn up for the game. However, over the last 5-6 months, a constant effort has been made to leave some grass on the wicket to give the bowlers an added advantage, considering they are already low on armoury with the short boundaries. The India-Pakistan game that was held at the Chinnaswamy Stadium in December was a low scoring thriller with Pakistan chasing 134 in the final over. The wicket was greenish and brought memories of Perth. Similar conditions were seen during the Ranji Trophy season as well. If there’s anything that can be drawn from the number of local fast bowlers the Royal Challengers bought in the 2013 auctions, the pitch might again be conducive for seam bowling.

Beware – Players to watch out for:

Chris Gayle: The big man from the Caribbean can take the game away from the opposition within a couple of overs with his outstanding ability to attack and do it on a consistent basis. With three hundreds to his name in the IPL already, he would be looking to add a couple more to that tally.

AB de Villiers: Over the last year or two, AB de Villiers has added such variety to his batting that he can be a match winner in any format. The innings he played in 2012 against Deccan Chargers, where he tore Steyn apart and treated him like a net bowler speaks for his confidence and talent.

Zaheer Khan: After being dropped from the Indian squad across all formats, Zaheer would be looking to seize the initiative and bring all his experience into play as a last roll of the dice to show the selectors that he’s fit enough to be back in the reckoning for the Indian team.

The final verdict:

The Royal Challengers have the firepower to dismantle any top team in the league but their bowling unit needs to deliver consistently. They also need to find a way to play Gayle, Dilshan and de Villiers together in the playing eleven. Barring Zaheer Khan and Muralitharan/Vettori, the other 12 overs need to be bowled by the fairly inexperienced ones. If Vinay Kumar and RP Singh can be as effective as they’ve been in patches earlier, we can expect the Royal Challengers to go a step further and lay their hands on the trophy for the first time.

The Squad: Virat Kohli (c), Cheteshwar Pujara, Mayank Agarwal, Saurabh Tiwary, Sunny Sohal, Abhinav Mukund, Chris Gayle, Karun Nair, Vijay Zol, Andrew McDonald, Daniel Vettori, Tillakaratne Dilshan, Moises Henriques, Daniel Christian, Christopher Barnwell, Arun Karthik (wk), AB de Villiers (wk), Sheldon Jackson, Harshal Patel, KP Appanna, Vinay Kumar, Syed Mohammed, Prasanth Parameswaran, Abhimanyu Mithun, Zaheer Khan, Sreenath Aravind, Muttiah Muralitharan, Sandeep Warrier, Jaydev Unadkat, Pankaj Singh, RP Singh, Murali Kartik, Ravi Rampaul.

The ICC, today, announced that they are planning to come up with a few new modes of dismissals to keep 50 over and Test cricket alive, starting 2014. “Crowds demand adrenaline rush. They want quality to be top notch. These rules will spice up the game and keep the followers on the edge of their toes,” a source from the ICC said before releasing the new modes of dismissals to the press.

Boring the crowd

Batsmen whose strike-rates are consistently below cricket’s poverty line are eligible to be given out for ‘boring the spectators’. The batsman in question will be warned twice on the big screen before being adjudged OUT. “We know it’s unfair for batsmen like Misbah-ul-Haq and Chanderpaul, but honestly, what makes batsmen like them fair to the game of cricket?” a member from the ICC think tank said.

Dirtying the pitch

In a quest to keep the game clean, the ICC has announced a new mode of dismissal where a batsman can be given out for spoiling the look and feel of the pitch by draining his sweat from the helmet on the pitch, or by gardening the pitch beyond permissible levels while marking his guard.

Hat-trick of edges

Oops! Ravindra Jadeja and Shahid Afridi should be careful. If a batsman edges the ball three times in a row, despite there being any delivery that’s left alone in between those three, he can be ruled out. This decision was taken to address the quality of cricket these days. With big bats like the ones being used today, edging is a crime.

Not utilizing the free hit

If a batsman leaves the ball or plays a defensive shot for a free-hit, the umpire can rule him out for not utilizing the benefits offered to the batsmen.

Selfish Play

If a batsman prevents the non-striker from coming on strike for three consecutive overs, he can be ruled out. This was proposed when Dhoni almost denied Tendulkar his ODI double hundred, but due to corruption and laziness, it took so much time for the board to consider the request.

Losing the Ball

Everything in the world is expensive these days. So, why allow a batsman to lose a cricket ball? This was the thought behind implementing the new rule. Apparently, Chris Gayle and Kevin Pietersen have decided to ask their support staff to stand outside the stadium waiting for the ball, when they go out to bat from now on

Playing a perfect straight-drive

As a mark of respect to the world’s greatest cricketer alive – Sachin Tendulkar – the ICC has decided to rule any batsman who plays the perfect straight drive OUT for trying to imitate a godly figure like Tendulkar. Aila!

Disclaimer: This is a fictional satire article and is to be taken humorously.

In a shocking turn of events, Ravindra Jadeja, on Twitter, announced that he will not be playing IPL anymore. His tweet read, ‘I announce my retirement from IPL. Thank you CSK for making me a hero. Love!’ Jadeja also confirmed it through his Facebook status that read, ‘Yes. I’ve decided to hang up the boots’. Shahid Afridi was the only non CSK player who ‘liked’ Jadeja’s Facebook status.

“People never take me seriously. That’s the reason why I’ve also hung my boots next to the door of my room in the team hotel. You can go and have a look,” Jadeja told reporters after Team India’s net session in Delhi today. When asked for the reason behind this sudden decision, Jadeja said he’d like to concentrate on Test Cricket and chase his dream of becoming India’s most successful Test captain.

N Srinivasan has welcomed this decision of Jaddu with open arms. “I personally gave Jadeja a hug and thanked him for increasing our chances to win the Indian Premier League by this decision of his.” MS Dhoni, however, was terribly disappointed and requested Jadeja to reconsider his decision. “If Jaddu isn’t in the team, how can I take the game to the last over? There won’t be enough target for us and we will win in the 13th or the 14th over itself.” Albie Morkel was a touch disappointed too as he was quoted saying, ‘Oh. Am I the worst pinch hitter in the team now?’

Jadeja also announced that he will be associated with IPL 6 in some way or the other. “I am considering all the options. I can be a studio expert or a commentator. I can take over the coaching duties of CSK. But, personally, I’d like to be a cheerleader. I’ve always been an entertainer. I’ve made people scream and shout. I’d like to continue doing that,” he said. “My favorite memory is the outside edge that went for a boundary and won us the game against the Royal Challengers last year,” he added.

Sachin Tendulkar refused to comment on the topic saying, retirement is not his cup of tea. The Indian team has decided to form a guard of honor when Ravindra Jadeja walks out to bat during the 4th Test against Australia as a mark of respect for the person who changed the way T20 cricket is played. ICC CEO Dave Richardson said on Twitter that T20 cricket might become extinct if shocking instances like this continue to happen.

The other team owners were pretty tensed after Jadeja’s retirement news broke out. Shah Rukh Khan, owner of Kolkata Knight Riders said, ‘Oh Lord Narine. We’ve lost our 12 men vs 10 men advantage against CSK now.’ Royal Challengers team owner Vijay Mallya, however, was confident that he can convince Jadeja to reconsider his decision. “I will catch up with him for a drink, or two… or three.. or four… and ask him to come out of retirement.”

Disclaimer: This is a satiricial piece of fiction, and has been written with a humorous intent.