Madras High Court orders the bat to do the talking: No more s-words please.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

Soon after its outrageous ruling that couples indulging in pre-marital sex would be considered married, the Madras High Court has come out with another set of sensational rulings which will no doubt impact the lives of cricket fans around the country.

According to the High Court, the use of terms such as ‘sexy shot’ will now be banned.

“Use of such filthy terms is what is polluting our sacred game,” opined Justice CS Karnan, the man behind the controversial pre-marital sex ruling. “In fact, all the bad things that have happened to cricket have sex involved heavily – most notably the IPL.”

The High Court has already got down to work – most notably on video platform YouTube that hosts many vintage matches and innings. Noting that many of his innings elicit comments like ‘sexy shot’ and ‘I wet myself after seeing that cover drive’, the Court has pulled up ace cricketer Sachin Tendulkar for corrupting the minds of the young.

“In our days, we would politely applaud and say, ‘Good shot.’ What is wrong with that?” wheezed a senior judge, whose age is yet to be determined (we are awaiting the carbon dating results).

Fans from the city are distraught. “Now how will I ever be able to watch Dale Steyn bowl again? Any other superlative won’t do!” moaned a Test cricket fan from Adyar.

Resourceful fans are using other means to communicate the message:

“Deepika Padukonesque shot!” suggested one young man from Thiruvanmiyur, before changing his mind after seeing the horrid trailer of Chennai Express.

“One divided by cos c shot,” sniggered a Trigonometry student from T Nagar, showing off Chennai’s high density of intellectual IIT-bound fifth standard kids.

The ruling also has affected the players in weird ways. Especially those who are predisposed to sledging. In a practice match at Chepauk earlier this week, brash young cricketer Virat Kohli was his usual self as he yelled a choice abuse to an opposing player. The High Court ruled this as ‘intent’ and now Kohli is being made to ‘see’ the ‘behen’ in question. “What’s the point of saying that there’s an intention to fornicate with one’s female sibling if there was no such intent in the first place?!” said the judge, sounding logical and absurd at the same time.

However, experts are still not clear on the penalty. “In the case of pre-marital sex, the person would be made to marry the girl. But what happens if you call a shot a sexy one? Will you be made to marry the ball? The bowler? The umpire?” posed a law journalist. The question has the High Court in a quandary. So till they figure out a suitable punishment, offenders will be made to listen to Danny Morrison’s commentary on loop.

Delhi airport before the deluge turned it into a vast swimming pool

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

Following the flooding of Delhi Airport thanks to shoddy infrastructure and lax government attitude incessant rains, the government has tried to make the best of the situation.

The Indian Olympic Association has decided to send its squad of swimmers to the airport to train. “What’s to complain? So many square feet of world-class infrastructure, air-conditioned, easy access to refreshment and washrooms… This is much better than most conditions we’ve ever provided them,” said Indian Olympics Association president Abhay Singh Chautala, speaking with Digvijay Singh-esque logic.

“In fact, with so many people at the airport, these guys can never complain that nobody watches their sport,” he said, with a big grin.

The swimmers themselves are not too sure about the move.

“Well, the Association says its an improvement over the practice pools we’re used to – which was basically a marsh in a jungle. But then, I don’t agree. In the marsh, the worst that we would have had to risk encountering was a bloodthirsty hungry crocodile. Over here we risk bumping into a South Delhi guy who goes, “Jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai?!” – it’s quite a dangerous scene,” said one swimmer.

“It’s not very easy to practice here,” said another one. “For some reason, there was an outrage when I told my team to do the breaststroke and now a gang of feminists has banned me from ever entering the Delhi Airport.”

Passengers inconvenienced by the rain wading into the airport were not particularly amused. “This is ridiculous,” pointed out one elderly gent who looked like he had a disdain for anything born or invented after 1970. “I have to see disgusting sights like that – see? That swimmer wearing ridiculous headgear, stupid-looking glasses and no upper body clothing…”

At this point, our reporter corrected him saying: “Sir, that’s not a swimmer – that’s Siddharth Mallya”.

As with all hare-brained schemes, this has sparked off other ideas within the Association. Said a secretary, “From now on, we’ll look at such natural / man-made disasters to get our players from various sports to practice.”

So, wrestlers will now be made to scour the countryland to rescue trucks that have fallen into wayside potholes.

Runners will be dropped off in the middle of an underworld don’s fiefdom.

Hurdlers will be asked to run on any typical Indian road.

And finally, all athletes will be made to travel by the 8AM Virar Fast to Churchgate five times a day to build endurance.

After new BCCI president Jagmohan Dalmiya’s strong cleanup act statement, a strange occurrence has… er… occurred.

There are no teams left in the IPL.

“Uhm, yeah, would you believe it? I wanted to eliminate all teams that had any possibility of corruption and association with bookies, betters, middlemen, or the guys who made the Musli Powder ad.”, said a sheepish Jagmohan Dalmiya, in a press conference after the event. “Now it turns out that all the teams are corrupt… And now there are no teams left to play the IPL!”

The unique problem has created inconveniences for many people.

Firstly, the franchises themselves. “Just because we manipulated emotions, withheld payments, built up emotions and let thousands down and shattered the hopes of so many doesn’t mean we need to stop being in business, right?”, said Royal Challengers Bangalore chief Vijay Mallya, before realising he got his two businesses confused – RCB with Kingfisher Airlines.

The players are worried as well. “Now who do I play for? Which other franchise would be stupid enough to pick me?”, said bowler RP Singh of RCB. His teammate Chris Gayle too was quite morose. “Damn man. This means I’ll be playing for only 8 T20 teams this year. FML.”, he said.

Organisers, initially shocked, see the benefits in running the IPL without any teams. “It’s actually quite convenient. You don’t need to spend money on hosting the matches, listening to those idiotic cattle… Er, spectators complain about stadium quality… Wonder where to host the finals… All we need is Samir Kochchar making some noise on air, and we’re done!”, said an excited SET MAX employee. When asked whether people would tune in to watch a game when there was, in fact,  no cricket, he replied, “Dude – it’s the IPL. There is no cricket going on anyway. Just put some cheerleaders randomly dancing around, some 10 sets of ads and Danny Morrison screaming, and people will be entertained enough.”

Fair point.

“In order to avoid problems, the winner of the IPL7 will be decided by lucky draw”, said a BCCI official. “And of course, Jadeja will be man of the series. Only Sir Jadeja can do that in a series that he didn’t play”, he signed off with a hearty wink.

Purists of the game are, as usual, seething. “Back in our day, if we wanted to ensure that a team never played again, we just asked them to bat against the 70s West Indies pace attack.”

Disclaimer: This article is a satire and should be taken with levity.

In an interesting development, legendary cricketer Saurav Ganguly is all set to make a comeback to beleaguered IPL team Pune Warriors XI.

Apparently, his inspiration is Narayan Murthy of Infosys, who came out of retirement to drag the troubled IT bellwether out of the stinkin’ hole it’s managed to get itself into.

“Both of us are actually quite similar if you think about it. We managed a team that was the strongest for the large part of the 2000s and then stumbled like nuts after we left. We both have passionate followings. And, hehe… We were both part of teams that believed in rotating leadership!”, said Ganguly. They do not have any other similarities. Murthy is not left-handed, Ganguly does not have a working knowledge of COBOL, and Murthy did not remove his suit and twirl it around in the boardroom after Infosys won their first client.

When reminded that Pune Warriors might not, actually, ever play the IPL again – Ganguly was nonplussed. “Doesn’t matter… I assure you the Kolkata crowd will still cheer for me, even if only I show up!”

==

This might have set a bad precedent, because more and more cricket teams are now looking to get legendary old stalwarts back to play for them.

The West Indies are trying to convince Brian Lara and Vivian Richards to come out of retirement. “It’s not that we don’t have quality players in the West Indies,” said a member of the West Indies Cricket Board. “We have plenty of them… Only issue is, they’re never available for the national team, always going abroad to play domestic T20 competitions!”

Zimbabwe are trying to string together a squad with world-beaters Andy Flower, Neil Johnson and Murray Goodwin.

Pakistan, the most unpredictable of the lot, surprised everyone by saying that Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis are making a return to the cricket field. This has thrilled cricket fans, scared the bejeesus out of opposition batsmen and generally acted as a huge relief for TV viewers tired of their commentary.

Also, chronic retire-r Shahid Afridi has announced that he has made a comeback. So nothing new there.

The Indian selection committee, in a moment of unparalleled brilliance, have announced that they’re going to ask Sachin Tendulkar to come out of retirement and return to Test match cricket. “This is our last attempt to get him to retire… Maybe this will confuse him and he’ll finally go,” said a selector. When asked why he didn’t just drop Tendulkar if he was so critical of his performance, the selector said, “Are you mad?! Who’s going to feed my children and wife after I’m killed?!”

Incidentally, the Indian cricket board also brought back another legend responsible for high growth and monetization in a Murthy-esque move: Jagmohan Dalmiya.

With Dalmiya running Indian cricket, Murthy running Infosys, Sachin still playing, it feels like the 90s all over again. “Nah, not until Cartoon Network stops being crappy,” said one critical gent.

‘Colgate is sponsoring my smile!’

In an extraordinary attempt to milk everything related to the IPL for money – the organizing committee has decided to monetize the ongoing spot-fixing controversy.

“We believe the spot-fixing scandal is a great opportunity for brands to connect with their target audiences. There is a captive base of people who are glued into every moment of the episode and we believe that any brand willing to communicate with this audience at this high-involvement point of time would have tremendous recall, visibility and brand salience”, said a marketing person from SET MAX, confusing the crap out of everyone in the vicinity.

If sources are to be believed, the BCCI wants to brand each and every moment of the spot-fixing controversy. As more people leave the fray every day (starting from BCCI treasurer Ajay Shirke, to IPL CEO Rajiv Shukla), SET MAX believes that it has the ability to develop a property such as “Infosys Exit of The Day” sponsored by the beleagured software giant. “Infosys sponsoring the exit of the day is a great strategic fit”, said the HR person of the company. “After all, we are no strangers to dissatisfied people leaving in droves everyday.”

Ankeet Chavan, disgraced Rajasthan Royals off-spinner, is getting married today, despite his involvement in the scandal. His wedding, it is learned, is being sponsored by Vijay Mallya. “I am, after all, the king of celebrations while pretending that everything is all right, while in reality, it’s a huge huge mess”, said Mr. Mallya, alluding to his lavish RCB and Force India spendings, while his airline bleeds itself to death and employees have been without salaries for the last 6 months.

As for the big man himself – N Srinivasan’s obstinate behaviour of refusing to step down despite everyone in the country clamouring for his exit has actually sparked off marketing minds in the company he represents – India Cements. “We have come out with a new campaign saying that no matter what the weather, no matter what the opposition, no matter how many people try to beat it down – a wall made with India Cements with obstinately stay put, refusing to move, becoming stronger and more annoying with each passing moment – just like our managing director!”, cooed a marketing person from the company in glee.

Public reaction to this has been mixed, as always.

“What nonsense! I can’t believe that they think they can make money out of the spot-fixing scandal also!”, outraged a Test match fan from Bangalore.

On the other hand, hardcore IPL fans are thrilled. “Yay! I was having withdrawal symptoms when the IPL got over last Sunday. Now we can enjoy like anything for a few more weeks!”.

This, of course, means more Jumping Jepang and Gaurav Kapoor. Keep your mute button accessible.

DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

In a fresh bout of brutality, the Delhi Police has unveiled their latest inhuman tactic – the suspects of spot-fixing will be made to watch Jhumping Jhapaak for hours, till they finally can take no more, break down, and confess.

“It’s a devious scheme and cannot fail. The average cricket viewer cannot go 10 seconds without wanting to either poke their ears deaf, or change the channel once the horror of a song is on.”, said a senior member of the Delhi Police Force.

This new idea of torture-till-confess, believes the police, will save much time and energy, not to mention costs. “Our idiot cops went and read Harry Potter – and spent the next 5 months trying to formulate Veritaserum”, lamented the cop.

The SET MAX team is not amused. “Hey, this was supposed to be our promotional campaign. People were supposed to love it and it was supposed to be the anthem of the nation. When did it start becoming a torture device?”, bellowed a SET MAX executive, who was then told that he just described every Himesh Reshammiya song ever.

Ankeet Chavan, who was granted bail for his wedding, was already shivering in fright. “I’ve never heard the song but my friends – including Jack (Hehe. Wink wink) tell me it’s the worst ever possible way to string musical notes together. Plus, I hear Samir Kochchar and Gaurav Kapoor are dancing. Surely, there cannot be a worse and more embarrassing sight in cricket?”, he said, clearly unaware of Saurav Ganguly’s shirt-twirling at Lord’s, which had an entire nation collectively celebrate and facepalm at the same time.

==

It appears being made to watch the IPL horror song is not the only means of torture that was devised. Other brutal methods of worming the truth out of straying cricketers were also shortlisted. Sportskeeda has managed to unearth the facts for you:

1. Being forced to have lunch with both Danny Morrison and Ravi Shastri.

2. Being forced to be seen in public in a Pune Warriors XI jersey.

3. Sitting in Navjot Sidhu’s tie wardrobe without eye protection.

4. Watching Rochelle Rao and Samir Kochchar do the Zumi Zumi dance.

5. Be ‘William Tell’ target practice for Chris Gayle. Apple on head, Gayle trying to knock it off.

6. Look at Ravindra Jadeja‘s moustache without laughing.

Incidentally, ‘share a room with Sreesanth’ was another shortlisted torture method that the police had drawn up. “Haha, ironic, isn’t it?”, cooed the police officer gleefully, looking at an increasingly nervous-looking Chandila.

DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

Living up to its history of getting pig-headed, obstinate, argumentative stars who generally make fools of themselves to appear on screen – Bigg Boss contacted the ultimate big boss – N Srinivasan of the BCCI – to be a participant in its next season.

“We see Mr. Srinivasan sharing many of the traits of our previous competitors. Like Sunny Leone, he is known for spoiling the values of Indian youth. Like Baba Sehgal, he usually spouts a lot of nonsense. Like Vindoo Dara Singh, nobody had heard of him before his stint. And like Navjot Singh Sidhu, he’s insufferable,” said a Colors TV representative in glee.

Another member of the team explained in more detail. “We had criminals, models and item girls on the show. The only thing we needed was someone who had experience of running a large-level criminal organisation that was noted for looting. Dawood Ibrahim was a close second choice but we decided to go with Srinivasan given his current news value”.

Srinivasan himself is nonplussed. “Total nonsense. I deny all charges”, he said. When reminded that we weren’t asking him about the spot-fixing issue, he appeared flustered and said, “Oh? Ah? Ah… No, I think I’d be perfect for Bigg Boss. Firstly – ever since that idiot son-in-law of mine got entangled in this mess, I’ve had a lot of experience fighting with people in the same home. So I should do pretty well on the show. Hehe.”

Industry experts point out that he is likely to be a very clear champion for the next season. Said one gent from a leading entertainment weekly: “With corruption charges against him, conflict of interest charges, everyone from the sports minister downwards asking him to step down – and he still refuses to budge… We think these traits will make Srini Mama a fantastic option for the next leader of oppos… Oh, I mean… Bigg Boss contestant.”

When asked for comment, MS Dhoni said that he could not answer without the express permission of N Srinivasan, so just smiled. This was branded the ‘Manmohan Singh moment of the day’.

The question now remains, who will be the remaining contestants? If rumours are to be believed, there are attempts to make it a sports-only special. There are rumours that Gautam Gambhir and Virat Kohli will be introduced as roommates, that Luis Suarez will be the international participant, and, unfortunately, Karishma Kotak or Rochelle Rao could be one of the women.

The cat’s out of the bag!

In probably the most shocking development in the whole fixing controversy till now, the CBI has revealed that the whole incident was itself fixed, in an attempt by the BCCI to drive up viewership for the IPL.

“Yes, we all know that controversy adds spice to every sporting event. I mean, viewership for Liverpool matches went up once that fellow bit that other guy’s arm. Just like that, we knew that more people would tune in if there was some major controversy surrounding the IPL itself,” said BCCI chief N Srinivasan.

Srinivasan drew out an elaborate plot wherein it would appear as if spot-fixing had happened. This was to involve some players who anyway didn’t have too much of a future (hence, the involvement of Sreesanth) and some low-key people who nobody knew or cared about (hence the involvement of Meiyappan and Vindoo Dara Singh). So, indeed, the whole spot-fixing incident was, indeed, fixed.

“Cha. I can’t believe we got caught. We had a full plot ready where Meiyappan would be sent to jail in July, then cried and pretended to attempt suicide in October, came to a summons court in November where he would cry and plead to me, his father-in-law, to forgive him – and invoke familial ties and every emotion possible, putting Ekta Kapoor to shame… And ending in my forgiving him in March 2014, just before the IPL7… This was the year-long interest-sustenance plan that we had! Now it’s all ruined!” said Sreeni Mama.

“We even planned to sell advertising space for the trial screening!” said another BCCI official.

So now the question on everyone’s lips is – are Sreesanth and co. actually innocent or guilty?

“Well, we’re not sure”, said a senior member of the Delhi police. “He PRETENDED to be guilty… So that doesn’t actually make him guilty,” he clarified, only to send thousands of Indian cricket supporters into misery at the prospect of having Sreesanth bowl in national colours again.

Public reaction to this has been mixed. “MY FAITH IN THE GAME OF CRICKET HAS BEEN RESTORED!!!1111!!! LONG LIVE IPL”, tweeted an enthusiastic fan, who had no clue who played the finals.

“Fixing a fixing? Wah! This is an Inception-level scam! Just imagine now, if politicians, after ripping off the country, looted the money among each other – a scam within a scam,” said a gent called Kartik in Bangalore.

==

Further probes by the CBI have shown that more controversies have been ‘fixed’. The Gambhir-Kohli spat was apparently sponsored by Mumbai Tourism. The Shah Rukh Khan-Wankhede saga was sponsored by Salman Khan. The Harbhajan slap for Sreesanth was sponsored by fans of cricket (er…).

Eyes off the ball: Practicing hard to let another opportunity in India colours to slip by

DISCLAIMER: This piece is a work of fiction, and is to be read with a pinch of salt.

Following a fantastic leading-from-the-front performance, Mumbai Indians captain Rohit Sharma is all set to continue his annual ritual of returning to international cricket and underperforming.

“I am thrilled and I look forward to the international season”, said a beaming Sharma. “It is my constant endeavour to come back to form only during the IPL, raise the hopes of everyone – selectors, spectators, teammates – of being the next big thing in international cricket, and then failing miserably… Till the next season!”, he said, before going off to lift Nita Ambani.

“Rohit is a hallmark of consistency”, said Kris Srikkanth, former member of the selection panel. “He makes our jobs very easy… I only wish some of our other players were as consistent! Cha!”

Sharma, notorious for underperformance the moment the ‘Mumbai’ stops being part of his team name, says he is practicing hard so as to not let the hype go to waste.

“I’ve been practicing hard at being troubled by the short ball, meticulously working on prodding outside the off stump… My coach has told me that my footwork has increased greatly, and I am taking a lot of measures in order to reduce that… It’s a lot of hard work but I’m confident I’ll be ready by the time the international season starts… Or should I say – not be ready?”, he sniggered, signing a 10-crore endorsement deal before his form ran out.

In order to ensure success, Sharma has roped in the best of international coaches. “I’ve got down the best of people – those who were absolute legends on the domestic circuit but rubbish the moment they took up their country colours”, said Sharma.

His roster of coaches includes ex-England county bullies Graeme Hick and Mark Ramprakash. Also considered for the role was India’s own Ajay Sharma (who has the fourth highest batting average in ALL of Test cricket – 67.46, behind the minor names of Don Bradman, Vijay Merchant and George Headley – but played only one test and 31 ODIs producing a total of 487 runs). However, given his involvement in match-fixing, he was borrowed by S Sreesanth for other coaching lessons (and we’re guessing it’s not to learn how to bowl a better outswinger).

“I’m also looking at personalities who are huge in India, but typically considered rubbish abroad… So I’m considering Anil Kapoor as well”, said Sharma, needlessly bringing to mind the actor’s Pune-Warriors-like performance in Mission Impossible: 4.

The public reaction to this is quite mixed, as always. “Usually players are paid by bookies for such things – but Rohit does it pro bono! What a man!”, said a hardcore Mumbai Indians fan called Gokul.

In a major shock to wrestling fans around the world, a big scandal has broken out, where a wrestler has been seen accepting money to deviate from his set script and actually fight. Referred to as ‘spot-reality’, this act has landed the wrestler in trouble as he’s been booked and taken away for questioning.

“This is a sad day in the history of the WWE“, spoke chairman Vince McMahon. “We spend so much time developing the scripts, making sure the players have weeks to rehearse them and get into character. And then you have players going and sc****** it all up by fighting for real? I mean, who does that?!”

The player in question was supposed to lose a match quite feebly and set up a rivalry between the victor and the current WWE champion, starting a whole new saga which Mr. McMahon would milk over the next four months. Instead, the player chose to actually fight and ended up winning the match! This ended up shocking everyone.

Vince McMahon: “The idiot! Now we have to find another way to get the rivalry into the question. This player was insignificant but now fans demand to see more of him because he beat a key championship contender!”

The opponent: “Gawrsh, this has never happened to me in all my 10 years of wrestling before; a person deviating from the script. I wonder what hit me!” The answer to that being two clotheslines and a piledriver.

The referee: “I’m not sure what I was supposed to do! I know this wasn’t the way the match was supposed to end, but he had knocked the opponent out unconscious and had pinned him. The crowd was wondering why I didn’t count for a whole two minutes and I finally had to do it!”

The scandal comes right after the horrific ‘spot-fixing’ scandal in the cricket tournament, IPL, where some players from a franchise indulged in ‘spot-fixing’. Said noted cricket historian Kartik, “Spot fixing is when participants play according to a script. Spot reality is when people deviate from a script. In both occasions, things are quite screwed up.”

Is it so? We spoke to a fan from Rajasthan (the city associated with the tainted players in the IPL) and about 300 WWE fans:

“So that cricket match was fixed? Quite honestly, we couldn’t tell the difference. Besides, it’s the IPL. Some batsmen whacked some bowler for sixes. So as long as that happened, who cares?

“So that wrestling game was real? Quite honestly, we couldn’t tell the difference. Besides, it’s the WWE. Some guy whacked another on the head with a chair behind the referee’s back and won illegally. So as long as that happened, who cares?”

“Sreesanth bowled badly? What’s new? How could we tell the difference?”

Clearly, fans can’t tell the difference either way. Since entertainment is all they’re looking for in any case, we too guess it really doesn’t matter.

The WWE scandal has officials worried though.

“What if people decide to deviate from scripts more often? We will need scouts for actual wrestling instead of acting skills. We’ll have total unpredictability in terms of who wins matches, etc – so that means our entire schedule and plan will be unknown from the beginning!”, moaned McMahon, echoing a reason why the BCCI possibly wants to make the whole of the IPL scripted and make it more convenient to manage.

Next up, however, the tainted IPL player Sreesanth has been hired by the WWE talent hunting squad. “His over-the-top expressions, acting like he’s won a Nobel Prize after a minor achievement, histrionics and propensity to do on-screen drama is just perfect for the IPL”, said a talent scout for the WWE. “We’re thinking of naming him The Coconut Tree”. Time to change your DTH subscriptions.

DISCLAIMER: The article is a humourous take on things, and is not meant to offend anyone. Readers are requested to read it with a pinch of salt.

Frustrated by match-fixing and betting allegations against key personnel (son-in-law of owner), charismatic players (Sreesanth), stars famous for nothing else apart from appearing on reality shows (Vindoo Dara Singh) and generally by the non-performance of hyped legends (we don’t take names here), the IPL organizing committee has decided to do something radical and just script the entire thing.

“It’s easier to control, we know which city to stage finals in, know exactly how many times we can charge Yes Bank for saying ‘Yes Bank Maximum’ on air, etc. It’s the best idea of the IPL since the IPL itself”, giggled IPL bigwig N Srinivasan.

He proceeded to wax eloquent on the advantages of such an arrangement, “Indeed, we can now add many more elements, just like scripted television itself. We can now have in-stories. Oooh, oooh! Imagine this! In one season, two controversial characters are in a tussle where one mysteriously starts crying claiming the other slapped him… And everyone forgets about it, but the whole issue is brought to the forefront again 5 years later and… Oh wait”.

Many potential people have been scoured for, to partner with the BCCI to turn the IPL from reality to theater. In a press conference for the same:

N Srinivasan: We have hired someone perfect for this job.

Reporter 1: Vince McMahon? Surely, with his experience of running a billion-dollar industry that…

N Srinivasan: Not that fool!

Reporter 2: The Times of India?

N Srinivasan: Close, but not close enough. The person we have selected is an expert at fooling a large mass of gullible idiots.

Reporters (all): WHO!

N Srinivasan: Arindam Choudhuri.

==

The ‘scripting’ IPL has many critics, as can be expected. Most of them write large blogs about the importance of the defence shot.

The larger audience, however, seems to have warmed up to this idea.

“Now we can be guaranteed thrilling finishes every time!”, logically concluded one gent from Kolkata, tired of going to boring games.

“Yay! Now I can finally score some runs!”, piped up one formerly legendary batsman whose name cannot be revealed in this article for the author’s safety.

“Gah, this means we need to finally let that former legend score runs!”, said bowlers from Kings XI Punjab, Rajasthan Royals, Delhi Daredevils, Kolkata Knight Riders, Pune Warriors XI, Chennai Super Kings, Sunrisers Hyderabad and Royal Challengers Bangalore (the name of the former legend, you will see, is still smartly hidden).

“This is great – there’s likely to be so much drama now. Perhaps Sreesanth can come back and whack Harbhajan with a steel chair. Maybe Gautam Gambhir and Virat Kohli can face off in a cage. Maybe the Kochi Tuskers will make a tremendous comeback!”, said a fan who clearly had one too many on a Friday night.

Sponsors are rejoicing. “Since it’ll be scripted, that means we won’t have that annoying cricket cutting into our ads when they start by mistake. Woohoo!”, screamed one marketing manager.

==

With the scripting of the IPL, however, the poor bookies have nothing to do, which incidentally, makes it the most effective anti-corruption move ever. “They should just fix everything. It makes it more convenient. The Olympics, the English Premier League, and the general elections.”, said Srinivasan.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.

Sadly the only positive return on investment for Royal Challengers Bangalore owner Vijaya Mallya in the last couple of years has been Chris Gayle. (Getty Images)

You always hear things like ‘strategic fit’ and all that, and usually say that’s just PRspeak while signing up a new brand ambassador.

Well, have a look at the sponsors of the various IPL teams, and you’ll actually be surprised. That’s a lot of strategic fit, yo!

1. Mumbai Indians:

Their owner spent $1 billion on an ugly, ugly house in Mumbai, which he never uses.

He also spent $1 million on a player for his team, who he never uses.

2. Rajasthan Royals:

Unassuming, low budget, slowly going about dominating.

When was the last time you saw an Ultratech Cement ad? Ah, thought as much…

3. Delhi Daredevils:

Supposedly one of the favourites before the IPL started. And we all know where they ended. Much like the stock price of their sponsors, the Muthoot Group…

4. Royal Challengers Bangalore:

The leadership of both the team and company: Loud, flamboyant and obnoxious.

Prefer talking about the good things (United Breweries, Chris Gayle) and would love to forget about the things causing misery (Kingfisher Airlines, RP Singh)

5. Chennai Super Kings:

The only pun we could come up with here was that they have perpetually cemented their place in the finals. See what I did there?

6. Kolkata Knight Riders:

Desperately making a lot of noise trying to tell people that they are relevant again. Actually, it’s not so much about the team but about the principal sponsor Nokia and the owner Shah Rukh Khan. In a marketplace where its only achievement is staying ahead of Blackberry – Nokia is trying to be cool and young. And the less said about Shah Rukh Khan and his delusions that he’s 20 again, the better. I’d like to troll KKR a little more, but you shouldn’t kick a team when it is down and out. Gotta give them a break.

7. Sunrisers Hyderabad:

MakeMyTrip, LiveIn Jeans, Red FM, Sheltrex. It’s like SRH’s philosophy of giving local players a chance spills over into its sponsorship arrangements as well – largely local.

8. Kings XI Punjab

(We have no joke for Punjab. But then, this is what you get when you go to the principal sponsor’s site, so we don’t even have to try)

9. Pune Warriors XI

And finally – just like their (ex) sponsors Sahara – nobody has any idea what Pune Warriors XI actually does!

And what of the IPL itself? Well, they have a relatively harmless sponsor now in Pepsi, but if they’d stuck with the previous sponsor – DLF, it would have been perfect. Shady deals, lots of controversy, dark connections to politicians and Bollywood… Ooh!

If sources are to be believed, the recent spot-fixing controversy is the best thing to happen to the IPL viewership.

Faced with a series of uninspiring games (mainly thanks to Pune Warriors), the viewership of the premier cricket tournament was on the wane. But now, thanks to the exploits of the trio from Rajasthan Royals, there is a sudden increase in interest in the sport. “Would you believe it? We were facing declining TRPs, but now everyone wants to watch every game and spot (pun not intended) people with towels! The viewership is through the roof!”, beamed IPL honcho N Srinivasan. “This is the best thing to happen to IPL since Chennai Super… I mean…”, quickly correcting himself, knowing that he was supposed to remain neutral.

“We have a lot to thank Sreesanth for”, said an executive from SET MAX, the official broadcasters of the IPL. “Now, excuse me while I go buy myself a new Bentley”, he winked.

It’s not just the broadcasters and owners of the league who are ecstatic. Relieved media houses and journalists, desperate for a story around the IPL – apart from Dhoni’s ice-cool nature and how terrible KKR’s cheerleader outfits are – have found this as a lifeline.

“This is awesome! Now we can talk about Sreesanth’s errant past, get psychologists to write articles about how attention deficit syndrome leads to such things, do ‘top cricket scandals of all time’-type articles and so much more! This is an absolute goldmine!”, said a reporter from a national daily in total glee.

Purists of the game, as always, say that this is all the IPL’s fault and such rubbish would have never taken place in a Test match.

==

In related news, in an attempt to weed out corruption in the game, a BCCI working committee has come out with a novel solution – ban towels.

“Yes indeed. We come from a country where there are  madcap solutions for everything. So when there are suggestions going around that rape will be reduced if women stop working, then surely banning towels to signal bookies will totally weed out spot-fixing in the game. How will the spot-fixer know how to signal out to people?”, said a member of the BCCI working committee (which is an oxymoron, by the way).

If reports are to be believed, the same working committee is planning to weed out violent crowds by banning public entry into stadiums, removing no-balls by eradicating the bowling crease altogether and reducing contentious LBW decisions by removing the LBW rule itself (still more likely to happen than the BCCI agreeing to DRS).

Today, 12 years later, Sehwag has the honour of being compared to Tendulkar yet again. (I’m not going to go into reasons why – there are too many death threats in comments of late).

“It’s an honour for me”, wheezed Virender Sehwag, who is getting ample exercise these days walking from the middle to the pavilion. “Most people get the chance to get compared to legends only once in their career… It’s an honour to be compared twice.”

Indeed, many cricketers have been compared to greatness only to see it fizzle away later. Irfan Pathan was supposed to be the genetic mutation of Wasim Akram and Kapil Devl. Tino Best was supposed to be a diminutive Curtly Ambrose. Santakumaran Sreesanth was supposed  to be the next Gary Sobers (no, really). But loftiness has not been achieved because of various reasons – ranging from poor fitness to distractions due to a promising dancing career.

This makes Sehwag’s achievement all the more significant.

“Today, the similarity between Tendulkar and Sehwag are more apparent than ever before.”, said an expert on a cricket show. “After all, both of them are legends which their respective teams are scared to drop. Bowlers regret getting them out knowing that they’ve probably lost their team a chance to victory. Both…” At this point, the cricket expert was beaten to death by fans who believed that a batting average of 24 in 10 tests in one year was enough to justify a place in the team (which, interestingly, is a little bit below that of the man compared to him twice.

Sehwag was not resting on his laurels, of course. “I hope to emulate my hero for a long time to come,” leading many scared fans of Indian cricket to believe that he would not be retiring for a long time to come.

In other news, Delhi Daredevils have called for an immediate two-tier system in which the top 7 teams of the IPL only get to play in the main league. “This will ensure that the teams remain competitive, nobody gets complacement, and hehe – it’s the only way we’ll be at the top of a table, to be honest”, quipped a member of the senior management of Delhi Daredevils. We tried getting in touch with the communications manager of Pune Warriors XI for a statement but couldn’t – he was fired for opening up Naukri.com on his computer at work.

In a stunning media revelation in Manchester on Monday, it was revealed that the new manager of renowned football club Manchester United will be none other than Ravindra Jadeja.

Owner of Manchester United, N Srinivasan Malcolm Glazer confirmed the news to a packed Old Trafford (the football stadium, not the cricket one) press conference. “Yes, yes. David Moyes was just a ruse. We just used that to trick the public while we finished our deal”, Glazer said.

When quizzed about Jadeja’s lack of footballing knowledge, let alone managingexperience, Glazer was swift in his reply. “Apparently this man mastered Bach’s symphonies in seven months, solved Einstein’s Grand Unified Theory when he was 4, and won a T20 match despite getting caught out when he was 23. Surely a man like that can handle the simple task of managing a ruddy football team!”, he said, before also deciding to make Tandoori Chicken the official snack of the team (just to troll Blackburn).

While Jadeja could not be contacted for comment, his Chennai Super Kings captain was cheeky as ever on Twitter.

While football fans have reacted angrily (as usual), the cricket world was more erudite (as always) in its reaction.

“I must say this is quite unusual. But a bit of cross-vertical experience is not a bad idea”, said a man who we instantly identified as an HR manager from Tata Consultancy Services.

“Ha, this is awesome. Now we can get any legend to coach or manage in any other sport.”, said a wicked youngster in Bangalore. “For example, I’m sure Mike Tyson can give Luis Suarez a few more biting tips. No one better than Mario Ballotelli to coach Pakistan’s cricket team. Michael Schumacher can help Shahid Afridi with his many retirements.”

“Why stop at legends from other sports?”, sparked up another young gent, who’d been smoking some good stuff. “College dropouts like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates can coach that bunch of Australians who were sacked because they didn’t do their homework. Aamir Khan, who has one performance every year, can coach Rohit Sharma. Eddie van Halen, a guitarist so old that his own son plays in his band with him, can coach Sac….” (At this point, the writer of this satire piece was whisked away by rabid passionate fans of a certain cricketer)

Ravindra Jadeja, in the meantime, has taken to county cricket. He scored a quintuple century for Sussex while playing for Nottinghamshire against Kent. While still on the flight.

Yo mama so fat….

Charismatic captains of their respective sides, Virat Kohli (RCB) and Gautam Gambhir (KKR) plan to celebrate Mother’s Day by focusing solely on mother-related abuses during their match at Ranchi today.

“It’s an important day,” said Gambhir. “We would like to mark this momentous occasion in the only way that we know – by letting our mouths do the talking.” He then proceeded to practice on life-size effigies of various RCB players.

Virat Kohli has been brushing up on his own skills and seemed excited at a press conference yesterday. “Yes, I’ve been trying new material. There are some new lines that I have which I can’t wait to try it out there on stage,” sounding eerily like a stand-up comedian. “I’m sure there will be some issue or the other – Gauti claiming a catch that was grassed, Rajat Bhatia needlessly hitting sixes to win the match, a deliberate mid-pitch collision to run Chris Gayle out. Basically, there’s no shortage of occasions and I want to be fully prepared to give the fans their money’s worth.”

Public reaction has been mixed, as usual.

“How can they denigrate the sanctity of motherhood?!” said an outraged gent, who had clearly never been to Delhi in his life.

“Why the hell do these guys keep calling me?!” muttered a tired-looking Australian gent called Terry McKey.

“HEY BRO WHO DA HELL R U TO SAY SACHIN SHUD RETIRE HE IS LEGEND HV U EVEN TOUCHED A CRICKET BAT IN UR LYF?????? NO THEN SHUT DA HELL UP OK,” said a fan of Sachin Tendulkar, managing to veer in the only argument that he knows how to make in a debate.

There is an interesting geographical repercussion of this celebration as well – given the fact that there are two teams led by Kohli and Gambhir playing, the Jharkhand Commissioner has asked for the city to be renamed Raunchy for the duration of the game. “The only way it could have been made more awesome is if Australian wicketkeeper Luke Ronchi would have played. Imagine! Raunchy guys and Ronchi in Ranchi!”, he clapped in glee. “Now if only I can find a way to fit in the angle of a Raunchy Trophy game, my alliteration would be perfect!”, he said, before rightly being whisked away by concerned officials.

Fans are now concerned about what’s likely to happen on 4th August – Sister’s Day. If you’re a parent, keep one finger on the mute button.

DISCLAIMER: This article has been written in jest and is not meant to offend anyone. Please read with a pinch of salt.

PS: I wasn’t kidding about the numerology thingy! Check it out here!

Why, God, why?

In what was possibly the only positive thing to come out of SET MAX’s IPL advertising campaign, a woman from Bangalore used Jumping Japang as her lazy husband’s phone alarm tone. “He hasn’t been late for work even a single day!”, she said in sadistic glee, eerily starting to resemble Farah Khan. “Before, he used to just listen to the alarm and go back to sleep – he was late for 12 days last month because of this!

“Anything is better than having to listen to that horrible song! When I hear that tone in my semi-sleep, I get images of Samir Kochchar and Gaurav Kapur in cheerleader outfits and immediately wake up in shock and fright.”, said Vinod, the husband in question. “It’s cruel but effective.”

This technique has gripped the imagination of sleep consultants around the world. “This is fantastic. Now we have finally found the fool-proof way to wake people up!” said a doctor in a major suburban hospital in Mumbai. When asked whether there was a sure-fire technique of the opposite – that is to get insomniac people to go to sleep – she handed this reporter a tape of unedited footage of Geoffrey Boycott’s 246 off 555 balls in 1967.

Jumping Japang, and the Bangalore wife’s idea, has, for better or for worse, inspired countless others. Public schools in Chennai play the song every fifteen minutes to shock students into waking up. “This is brilliant. We used to show holographic projections of ghosts before – but today’s kids aren’t scared of gimmicks like that, as they see much worse on television – ugly characters that yell at each other in scary indecipherable sounds”. When this reporter asked whether the principal was referring to ghosts on Cartoon Network, she said, “No, no – I’m talking about politicians.”

Pubs in Mumbai, which generally face trouble getting customers to leave after legal closing time, play the monstrosity two minutes prior. “The bars get cleaned out in no time! We attempted playing Himmesh Reshammiya music before, since we thought that was the worst possible music on earth, but we realised that brought in more Punjabi people to the bar”, said a manager of a popular watering hole in the city.

In related news, a media study shows that the most expensive advertising slot during the IPL is, indeed, not on SET MAX, but the channels immediately before and after it on various DTH providers. This is because when Jumping Japang starts, people immediately shift to the next channel and come back after 5 minutes – like hiding for a bad sandstorm to get over.

And also in related news, SET MAX has been charged with defacing a valuable national monument – by making Kapil Dev dance to the show.

All in all, just another week of the IPL.