How much do you hate Ravindra Jadeja? “Hate” is a strong feeling to have towards someone you don’t know, but still, how much? For full effect, picture him in his IPL avatar: CSK jersey, team initials carved into his hair, and the smirk of a man who was once banned for a whole season for trying to earn more money, but now has a $2 million contract anyway.

Whatever your answer may be, “not as much as I did a few weeks ago” would be a somewhat accurate summary, despite the aforementioned visuals.

Ravi Jadeja posing, presumably for a ‘guns aren’t cool, bro’ campaign.

No Indian cricketer has accumulated more hatred in recent times than Ravindra Jadeja, although Ishant Sharma still toils manfully in the hope that he may one day be worthy of this honour. Perhaps unfairly, it was Jadeja’s performances in the World T20 matches in 2009 that drew the ire of fans towards him. Whether it was his sluggish batting against England in a must-win game, his hit-out situation or his concession of six consecutive sixes to Australia, his individual performances were terrible enough to warrant blaming India’s woes on him.

Here’s why it was unfair – for a player who earned recognition through the IPL and was considered a limited overs specialist, his T20 numbers are quite modest. He doesn’t have a T20 fifty yet, and his strike rate is below 120. His economy rate is 7.5 and he only has 38 wickets from 82 matches. What were we expecting?

The Indian selectors dropped him (amidst great joy) just before India’s successful World Cup campaign. Then, things turned sour for a Jadeja-less India.

While India was busy being punched in the throat, Jadeja packed on some muscle (bench-pressing his IPL money), worked on his game, and practised a new form of alchemy, where he turned all the hatred towards him into more gold – all in an uplifting montage set to ‘Eye of the Tiger’.

Two first-class triple centuries in the same Ranji Trophy season for Saurashtra suddenly put Ravindra Jadeja in the frame for a Test spot honourably vacated by Suresh Raina and Yuvraj Singh. Put his bowling into the mix and just like that, Jadeja was in the Test team in a must-win match against England.

Ravi Jadeja may turn out to be an excellent cricketer, but his attempt to bring jheri curls into India’s salons is surely in vain.

Four Tests later, the newly dubbed “Sir Jaddu” has 20 wickets, a mid-purple-patch Michael Clarke as his bunny, and presumably a huge middle finger tattooed on his chest, because his whole career at this point is the equivalent of a Ponting “f**k you” hundred.

And that’s something you’ve got to respect, even as you put the finishing touches on that effigy you’re making.

Mohammad Hafeez was controversially given out for ‘obstructing the field’ in the 4th ODI against South Africa at Durban – he is only the fourth man in ODI history to be given out in this manner. Somewhat predictably, the previous man was Inzamam-ul-Haq.

The controversy centres around the question: did Hafeez knowingly veer into the path of the ball, in order to intentionally obstruct its passage towards the stumps?

Third umpire Billy Bowden thought so, even though the evidence errs on the circumstantial side – Hafeez turns back, but does he see de Villiers is about to throw the ball? Or is he transfixed on Imran Farhat, and in turning his head to his left, does he naturally veer to his left?

Hafeez has endured a torrid time at the hands of Dale Steyn. (Getty Images)

It’s impossible to tell for sure, although I suspect a bit of both.

This is where the problem with this new form of dismissal lies – an overwhelming majority of the time, decisions are going to be almost entirely subjective. Controversy and contentiousness of the decision aside, inconsistent application of a law will mean that it is obsolete.

Throughout its history, cricket has had a quaint way of forcing square pegs into non-existent round holes, and this is yet another example.

Scrap the new ‘obstructing the field’ law for batsmen: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

- We explain why it’s been a good week for elderly white men

- Mickey Arthur sets more homework

- We celebrate the birthday of Test cricket

- Jadejageddon has an arch nemesis…

A statistical evaluation of Virender Sehwag’s overall career shows a cricketer with remarkable, unique characteristics.

Here are three reasons why he’ll go down in history…

1. With regards to destructive capabilities, Sehwag has few peers. In Test match history, only three batsmen have a strike-rate in excess of 80 runs per 100 balls – Sehwag (82.23), Adam Gilchrist (81.95) and Kapil Dev (80.91).

2. Sehwag is one of only four batsmen in history to score two Test triple-hundreds – a feat Donald Bradman could only match, not exceed.

3. Out of all the Indian batsmen to have played Test cricket, only four have scored more career runs than Sehwag’s 8,586 – VVS Laxman (8,781), Sunil Gavaskar (10,122), Rahul Dravid (13,288) and Sachin Tendulkar (15,746*).

Sehwag is, without question, a modern day great; however, like all batsmen, there comes a time when form is brought under close cross-examination. A temporary dip in productivity is anticipated in all batsmen, but Sehwag’s dip currently resembles a canyon.

This graphic gives a stark indication of just how far Sehwag’s stock has fallen in recent years, leading to his exclusion from the remainder of the current India v Australia Test series.

Four Horsemen of the Sehwag Statspocalypse

1. In his career, Virender Sehwag has recorded a duck in 8.89% of his Test innings. The figure for the last 3 years though, is an astonishing 13.89%.

2. The red bars are an indication of Sehwag’s percentage of 50+scores.

In the past three years he has converted just 19.44% of his innings into 50+ scores, compared with 33.33% in the first 84 Test matches of his career.

Most tellingly, and as indicated by the green bars, Sehwag’s just not sticking around at the crease long enough to make a substantial contribution to the Indian team totals.

3. Between 2001 & 2010, Sehwag’s average innings duration was 63.81 deliveries; in more recent times that figure has dropped to just 34.81 deliveries per innings – under six overs in total.

4. If we take Sehwag’s last three years as a career of its own, it looks like this:

20 Tests, 1036 runs at an average of 28.77.

If this had been Sehwag’s overall career, it would have put him up there with some of the giants of the game like Craig White, Ranjan Madugalle and Ashod Mankad.

Clearly it’s folly to compare him with these middle-ranking cricketers, but we are trying to establish whether Sehwag’s cricketing problems are terminal. There has been very little to suggest otherwise, in what has been a particularly bleak period for Sehwag.

The statistics don’t tell the full story – they rarely do –  but it is abundantly clear that Sehwag has failed to adapt his weaknesses into strengths. Whilst the batting bravado may never leave him, there is a need for circumspection opening the batting, especially for a team like India where form has been fleeting in the Test arena.

Sehwag has lost the ability to score big runs, hit sixes and occupy the crease for extended periods of time. If he is to resurrect his flagging career, it would appear that he needs to work just as hard on his mental attributes as he does his physical ones.

Test cricket without Sehwag would be a far hollower place; Test cricket with a limping, wallowing Sehwag is hollower still.

LOS ANGELES – Hot on the heels of Dennis Rodman’s diplomatic trip to North Korea, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have embarked on a bridge-building mission to Mumbai to “smooth things over” between the BCCI and the rest of the world’s cricketing nations.

In an attempt to ease tensions across the sport, “Kimye” met a number of high-profile figures in the Indian game including, as West put it, “his boy, Uncle Srini”.

Revealing a lifelong love of Indian cricket, including his belief that former fast bowler Javagal Srinath was “hall-o-fame, baby”, the hip-hop megastar remarked that he was confident of finding a solution to the present issues over DRS, but had been shocked by some of the misery he’d encountered during his visit.

Insiders report ‘Kimye’ rejected an invitation to the IPL opening ceremony on account of it being “too tacky.”

“This trip has really opened up my eyes to human suffering. Rarely have I seen such devastation and sadness,” said Kanye, after being shown footage of India’s last two away series.

“In fact, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t seen anyone screwed like that since I accidentally watched some of Kim’s old home videos.”

During the diplomatic trip, revered Indian all-rounder Ravi Jadeja was also invited to meet the hip-hop legend. “It was a dream come true to finally chill out with the most bling man on the planet,” said West.

Reports suggest that Kanye is considering shaving ‘Deccan Chargers: Never Forget’ onto the side of his head.

Despite no real signs of progress emerging from the trip, there was some good news for Kardashian, whose increased profile in India led to her being heavily touted as an IPL pitchside reporter, although consensus remains that she would be far too over-qualified.

]]> http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/03/04/satire-kanye-west-kim-kardashian-visit-india-to-smooth-things-over-with-rest-of-cricketing-world/feed/ 0 016245 http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/03/03/michael-clarkes-declaration-an-analysis/ http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/03/03/michael-clarkes-declaration-an-analysis/#comments Sun, 03 Mar 2013 04:12:46 +0000 Alternative Cricket http://www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com/?p=3832

Raising eyebrows everywhere, Michael Clarke declared on Day 1 of the Hyderabad Test with Australia on 237/9, having lost 5 for 29 in the last session of the day.

It was a brash, unnecessary decision according to many; but in fact, it was a calculated and entirely logical risk taken by Clarke.

Captaincy is a tactical art where you must strike at the first opportunity of low-risk, high-reward opportunities. A captain must never be satisfied ‘waiting’ – he must be the director; he must make things happen.

The question of potential downside vs potential upside in this situation made the declaration a fairly uncomplicated decision.

Downside

Batting at 10 & 11, on average, James Pattinson and Xavier Doherty may have eked/nudged/slogged their way to a further 10-15 runs in that scenario. It should be noted that against medium-pacers, the two batsmen are not incompetent, and that Pattinson has played some breezy knocks in the past.

However, against accurate spinners offering any modicum of turn, and I wouldn’t be putting any money on them.

 Upside

1. Two bites at the cherry for Australia’s fast bowlers: bowlers are best when they’re freshest, and Australia could have faced the prospect of bowling to India’s no. 3 first thing on Day 2.

2. An opportunity to arrest the momentum of the day.

3. Waiting overnight to bowl would have given the Australian team more time to dwell on a poor batting performance – with a positive spurt now fresh in their minds, they may well be more focused for Day 2.

In simple terms, it could be surmised that the decision lies between giving away a top-end estimate of 15 runs, and taking one, perhaps two, wickets.

It will not always work in the captain’s favour, but the key point to note is just how low the downside is. By the same token, if Australia had taken a wicket, Clarke would be being hailed as “the greatest captain since…” on the evening news.

In a way, this is the tragedy of cricket discourse – captains should be appraised based on the long-term expected value of their decisions, not whether their 1 in 1,000 gamble of having a leg slip to Dave Warner paid off.

The shame of Clarke’s decision is that in some quarters he is being praised as ‘brave’, whereas in reality such reactions only serve to reinforce the notion that these decisions are in fact not brave – they are entirely logical, and therefore should be de rigueur.

What differentiates Test cricket from other sports, and what makes it so compelling over shorter forms of the game, is that captains have more of a chance to impart their will upon the outcome - yet so often we see captains acting as passengers, only reacting by putting in a slip or short leg when the opportunity has come and gone.

Cricket captains should learn from the old Mike Brearley adage:

“If you’re not proactive, you’re inactive.”

]]> http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/03/03/michael-clarkes-declaration-an-analysis/feed/ 3 3554934 http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/02/27/satire-red-cross-warns-of-humanitarian-disaster-for-english-cricketers/ http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/02/27/satire-red-cross-warns-of-humanitarian-disaster-for-english-cricketers/#comments Wed, 27 Feb 2013 11:54:22 +0000 Alternative Cricket http://www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com/?p=3787

NEW ZEALAND – The Red Cross has warned of a growing humanitarian disaster among England cricketers after field officers reported last week record levels of poverty and inhumane conditions at their five-star hotel in Hamilton.

Following on from similar concerns expressed by Angus Porter, chief executive of the Professional Cricketers Association, that England players were “substantially underpaid, even before we factor in the lost earnings from potential T20 appearances”, the charity has called on the global community to “act swiftly” before Matt Prior has to sell one of his pairs of Ray-Bans to buy a loaf of bread.

Sorry kids in Somalia, our prayers are going towards getting KP an en-suite jacuzzi

Speaking after receiving the latest harrowing news that Stuart Broad was down to his last tube of mascara, an Red Cross spokesman outlined what needed to be done: “Today we are calling on cricket fans of all creeds and colours to put their hands in their pockets and support the worsening plight of the England side, many of whom have only been offered one sponsored car so far this year.”

This young man’s tortured smile hides years of anguish.

“However much you can give WILL make a difference; no matter how small. ₤1 will buy Ravi Bopara a rattle to keep him occupied during long stays in boring UNESCO World Heritage sites.”

Whole day of fifa I reckon. Nothing else to do in Kandy

— Ravi Bopara (@ravibopara) September 30, 2012

“₤2 will get Steve Finn some ointment for his right knee to ease the constant bruising. ₤5 will feed Samit Patel enough Kit-Kats for nearly a full hour. You can help.”

Despite involvement from The Red Cross, Porter’s claims have been roundly ridiculed across Twitter and beyond, but the PCA chief today defended his stance on behalf of the England team:

“By scrapping Tests in May we would actually be helping to preserve Test cricket by having less Tests. The players fully accept, however, that this is quite a complicated argument which many people won’t understand because they don’t have Nando’s gold cards.”

Kevin Pietersen boards a private Harrods plane. If that’s not poverty, I don’t know what is!

“This is an atrocity happening on our doorstep. Your neighbour, you work colleague, or someone you sit next to on the bus, may have been denied the chance to enter into the IPL auction. This is a humanitarian crisis on an unprecedented scale.”After further pictures emerged of some England players wearing only last season’s Rolex, the World Health Organisation were also moved to issue a stark warning.

by AltCricket Staff

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously. All opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the site.

Twitter has changed the way we enjoy our matches, and certainly enhanced them to a great degree. Being able to interact with fans around the world and share jokes, all whilst watching a big match, is something that we would have struggled to contemplate even ten years ago.

However, commentating on cricket is not without its fair share of loonies and feckless basement-dwellers.

Here are our pro tips to make sure you enjoy Twitter without losing your sanity and/or faith in mankind:

1. Don’t ask for the score.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of websites specifically pertaining to informing us of cricket scores. Cricinfo, its younger, eerily similar cousin Cricbuzz, and plenty of other rip-offs of rip-offs all fulfil this particular requirement.

If you have access to Twitter, and have evolved sufficiently to reach the stage of opposable thumbs and the ability to tweet, I assume that you can also spare a few kilobytes more of your data allowance on not being a lazy ass and showing enough ingenuity to click your way towards a live scorecard.

2. “Pliss To RT”

“Ganguly would have been a better captain than Dhoni in T20s. My latest blog: http://dadasbiggestfan19.blogspot.com/dadagreatest PLS RT”

Every time someone half-demands half-asks ‘Pls RT’, an internet angel stabs itself in the eye.

I try to read every single blog link that’s sent our way. Every single word, of every single link.

But sometimes, I would rather have a tabby cat scratch my eyes out than read another blog about how “Sachin is better than Bradman, who wasn’t as good as everybody made out because he lived in an era of uncovered pitches which weren’t as tough as everybody makes out you know.”

3. Play Nice

Cricket can often be a controversial sport. Countless nuances mean that any number of strategies and player combinations may be valid.

At @AltCricket, we like to stick our neck out from time to time and voice an opinion. Contrary to the ideas of a fair few failed Einsteins who seem to have been dropped on their heads as kids, this does not give the party in disagreement a carte blanche to dish out mindless abuse every time he – it’s always a he – disagrees with a tweet.

We have over 20,000 followers, and on a match day we receive in the region of a thousand mentions. It’s quite a task to churn through them, and the vast majority are supportive, many are lovely jokettes, a few respectfully disagree…and a select few…well, see for yourself:

They say cricket is a religion, and they’re right: while it has the ability to bring out the best in people, it also has the ability to turn people into irrational and vile beasts.

As a wise man once said: “If you can’t say anything nice, say it anonymously on the Internet and award yourself a shiny gold star for bravery.”

4. Don’t Be Ravi Bopara

Twitter is an awesome platform for cricketers to challenge fans’ preconceptions and to engage us all in their personalities – that is, if they have one to engage us with.

Is derren brown fake? He confuses me — Ravi Bopara (@ravibopara) November 11, 2012

What I mean is it real when Derren Brown just puts people to sleep & all that stuff? — Ravi Bopara (@ravibopara) November 11, 2012

Typically harmless and banal, it is the sort of sterilized ‘banter’ that the English dressing room has become famous for. Watching Ravi  Bopara tweet is even less interesting than watching him bat.

Whole day of fifa I reckon. Nothing else to do in Kandy — Ravi Bopara (@ravibopara) September 30, 2012

Not a particularly smart thing to say the day before a big match in the World T20, when you are struggling for form…and you end up scoring a duck!

5. Don’t Use Twitter As A Platform To Showcase Your Craziness

6. Be Balanced

We often get accused of being pro-Indian.

And anti-Indian.

Nothing could be further from the truth: we are indiscriminately anti-a**hole.

7. Take the p**s in healthy doses

8. Be Civil

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe it’s necessary to automatically bestow an impenetrable veil of ‘respect’ upon any opinion, just because a given person has been blessed with enough basic neuronal activity to facilitate a vaguely cogent thought.

“Did Bradman ever played T20?” The sentence that will keep you sated for a long time.

By the same token, if you feel like getting into a deep argument every time you see someone disagrees whether Ravi Ashwin should be bowling with a short leg or leg gully, perhaps it’s time for anger therapy and Twitter rehab.

Ultimately, arguing with a troll is like wrestling with a pig: you end up covered in crap, and the pig loves it.

At its best, Twitter is dangerously addictive. The crack cocaine of social media will give you countless hours of quality laughs, as well as stats and info that you might not find through conventional coverage.

]]> http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/02/27/cricket-and-twitter-dos-and-donts/feed/ 0 0125552 http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/01/11/podcast-cricket-in-2012/ http://www.sportskeeda.com/2013/01/11/podcast-cricket-in-2012/#comments Fri, 11 Jan 2013 05:39:40 +0000 Alternative Cricket http://www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com/?p=3695 Listen to our end-of-year podcast here as we talk about cricket in 2012

PERTH, AUSTRALIA – DECEMBER 01: Nathan Lyon of Australia catches out South African captain Graeme Smith off a delivery by team mate Mitchell Starc during day two of the Third Test Match between Australia and South Africa at the WACA on December 1, 2012 in Perth, Australia.

We saw fielding brilliance in 2012, with the likes of Steve Smith, Andre Russell, Faf du Plessis, Martin Guptill, Ravi Ashwin, David Warner and Kieron Pollard taking the art to levels unseen since Inzamam himself.

However, only one of them features in this list of 2012′s best catches: let the countdown commence!

10. Nathan Lyon [AUS] – Funny things happen when Mitchell Johnson is bowling. Wides, no-balls, emotional breakdowns, and now: phenomenal catches.

Watch Lyon sprinting to the ball with single-minded focus: there is no question about taking it easy and letting the ball come to him on the bounce.

Instead, there is an over-my-dead-body desperation in his catch that makes it something special.

9. Mahela Jayawardene [SL] - One of the greatest slip catchers to ever come out of Asia (apologies to Viru), Mahela continues to impress us all with his agility, despite being in the twilight of his career.

8. Faf du Plessis [CSK] - Opening the batting for Chennai Super Kings in the IPL was one of the triggers in 2012 becoming a year of transformation for du Plessis. Ending the year as the national T20 captain, he showed his value as the best fielder South Africa has produced since Jonty Rhodes.

Here, his anticipation and athleticism are on full show, as Tendulkar nails a drive, only to be intercepted by a diving du Plessis. Needing 40 off 26 balls with nine wickets in hand, this catch turned out to be match-changing.

7. Rangana Herath [SL] - The portly left-arm spinner finished 2012 as the world’s leading wicket-taker in Tests with 60 scalps in just ten matches, and shows here why he’s rapidly becoming a cult hero.

Wearing his flannels higher than what we deem to be sartorially acceptable, we’ll let Herath off easy, because he is what we all wish to be when we’re past our athletic best: having a half-nap at long-on in the blazing sun, and then lazily plucking a beauty out of the sky.

6. Kane Williamson [NZ] - New Zealand boast some world-class fielders at the moment, and this fresh-faced foetus has already established himself as as specialist at gully. Here, Williamson takes a stunning reflex catch with his wrong hand, something that we are fast becoming accustomed to with this special talent.

5. Jimmy Neesham [NZ] - Has anybody ever run this far to take a catch?

Otago’s 22 year old all-rounder pulled off an outstanding effort, sprinting 50 yards from cover to catch a skyer. Henry Davids’ miscue was in the air for a full 6.5 seconds, and Neesham’s momentum was so strong that he did well to put the brakes on before he could slide into the boundary – this was Neesham’s natural cricketing instinct.

4. Suresh Raina [IND] - The only Indian to feature in our list – I know, Ravi Ashwin will feel aggrieved to miss out – Raina’s effort is stunning for its uniqueness. The reverse one-hander – aka ‘the baseball catch’ – is the toughest of all to pull off from a technical point of view.

Why? It requires a conscious decision to go with your better hand, in turn causing your body to half-corkscrew as you take the catch. You can feel the awkwardness as your body contorts, but the toughest part is yet to come: the impact.

Hitting the ground and still managing to keep the ball in his cute baby hands was the most impressive part of Raina’s catch – note how he turns his body to cushion the impact on landing. He manages to make an unnatural catch look entirely innate, suggesting that he takes plenty of these in practice…something that a few Indian fielders could use a lot more of!

3. Tim Ludeman [Adelaide Strikers] - The only wicket-keeper to feature on our list, Ludeman has impressed all during this Big Bash, breaking the back of the PowerPlay on a consistent basis with his predominantly leg-side combination of brute force and surgical precision.

Here, Ludeman takes the most agile catch imaginable, showing excellent footwork and leaping to his left to take a catch that left us with our jaws on the floor. He had no right to catch it, and ended up plucking it from second slip. Note how the loopiness of the edge made the drama all the more enjoyable, giving us an extra half second to wonder whether Ludeman could do the impossible!

2. Bevan Small & Michael Mason [Central Districts] - With 60,000 views, more people have watched this YouTube clip than have ever tuned in to a HRV match.

On as 12th man, Small’s diving take-and-release is all about balance and timing. Taking the ball behind the rope was spectacular enough, but releasing it when parallel to the ground and falling backwards was exceptionally skillful. In contrast, Mason makes a meal of the equivalent of a fielder’s tap-in.

In terms of sheer ‘oh-no-he-did-not-just-do-that’ factor, this catch is right up there with the best of all time. However, it’s not quite as good as our top catch of 2012…

1. Dan Christian’s Superman catch vs Pakistan goes down as our best of the year.  Backpedaling from mid-off, Australia’s all-rounder changes his momentum, before sprinting a full 20 yards. He extends his wrong hand, and plucks the ball inches from the ground.

The skill in this catch was particularly noteworthy, as Christian manages to keep a death-grip on the ball despite an off-balance and heavy landing.

There have been some awesome catches in 2012 but this trumps them all for sheer frisson value – watch the replay, and listen as the pro-Pakistan Dubai crowd gasp at the big screen, before instantly rising in unison to applaud.

If you want to introduce a friend to cricket, you’d do worse than to show them this; this is our sport at its very best.

 1. Doug Bollinger shows Katy Perry a thing or two at the IPL opening ceremony.

2. A key theme for 2012 seemed to be ‘How much money can you throw at a mediocre club cricketer without him feeling a sense of shame?’ For Ravi Jadeja, the figure seemed to be in the region of $6m for six weeks’ work. In 2012, Ravi Jadeja also made his Test debut, which pretty sums up India’s year.

3. RIP Deccan Chargers. Dale Steyn continued to entertain, and his celebration to dismiss South African teammate Richard Levi – who began the year with a fat IPL contract, and ended up fatter – will live long in the memory. You terrorize a batsman, then have the audacity to yawn in his face? Psychological warfare just got cool.

4. Kolkata Knight Riders won the IPL, but the image that became etched into our eyelids was father-of-two Shahrukh Khan celebrating his team’s victory in the final. It was one nipple slip we could have done without.

5. Michael Clarke enjoyed an annus mirabilis, becoming the first ever batsman to score four Test double centuries in a calendar year. He also made a ton of money in the IPL for a handful of games, which probably came in handy when he flew back to Australia midway through his stint, for his wedding to Kyly Boldy. Here, we see a picture of a couple in perfect bliss. But, it’s too perfect, isn’t it? No couple should be allowed to be this happy – I mean, for the love of God, he’s holding her heels, which is basically just showing off. That white horse? Probably a de-horned unicorn, just to make us plebs feel slightly better.

6. The Maasai Cricket Warriors left their humble town in Kenya for the first time, and travelled all the way to Cape Town, where they participated in the most scenic of environments. Read more about them here!

7. Denesh Ramdin scored a century against England at Edgbaston, and then took out a now-famous note, that he kept in his pocket as ‘personal motivation’. (thanks to @AlternateRowan)

8. Kevin Pietersen almost certainly has a p****s, but spent the whole English summer waving it in everybody’s face.

9. The South Africans reached the pinnacle of Test cricket in England, thanks in part to some unorthodox pre-series training, as they climbed pretty big hills in Switzerland.

10. The Olympics came to London, but was notable only for a nation rising in protest against an uber-defensive field setting on a greentop.

11. Chris Gayle returned to international Cricket in 2012 after a prolonged hiatus. He celebrated by aping Gangnam Style, a pop song in a foreign language with no ostensible redeeming features, barring the ending.

12. The World T20 was held in Sri Lanka. This photo confirms that Afghanistan were present.
12+1. After a bout fighting off seminal germinoma in his lung, Yuvraj Singh returned to a hero’s welcome for India during the World T20.

14. Pakistan’s fielding reached a nadir, and their fielding coach Julien Fountain resorted to his famously innovative measures. Here, he replicates a firing squad in an attempt to inject some life into the potatoes standing 20 yards away.

15. The West Indies won our hearts all over again at the World T20, with an awesome series of powerhouse performances.

16. Some pictures speak a thousand words. This one, with umpire Asad Rauf, speaks just three: “PLAYERS GON’ PLAY.”

17. New Zealand wanted a new coach, so they hired Harry Potter. Just like Harry Potter, Mike Hesson will never coach a successful Black Caps team, or get laid by Emma Watson.

18. India’s visually impaired side beat Pakistan in the final of the inaugural World T20 tournament.

 19. South Africa hold a guard of honour for Ricky Ponting, who retired from international cricket in December.

 20. Michael Hussey announces his imminent retirement from international Cricket, and suddenly, 2012 transformed into a horrible year for Cricket.

That it came as a surprise that Tony Greig passed away tells us plenty about our perceptions of the man; that we expected him to shrug it off as if it were a nasty bout of flu. Deep down we knew it was a losing battle, yet we still selfishly longed to hear his voice commentate on a Sachin masterclass or “those little Lankans” fighting against the odds.

His life was never destined to be smooth sailing. Born in apartheid South Africa, he went on to captain England, and later settled in Australia (in between copious extended sojourns in Sri Lanka, where he was an ambassador for tourism, seafood, and king coconuts).

Greig led a life as a cricketing devil’s advocate, and was a key catalyst in the advancement of the game becoming the corporate behemoth that it is today.

Always divisive and often contentious, it is bizarre to look back upon Greig as a chief ambassador within cricket, for he was the antithesis of a diplomat. Proud and argumentative to the point of belligerence, Greig seemed destined to make enemies wherever he went. As such, it was requisite that he possessed skin far thicker than his woollen V-neck.

He was never one to mince words, but in his most infamous attempt at verbal jousting, Greig uttered a sentence that will perhaps prove to taint his legacy even beyond death. About to lead England in a Test series against the West Indies in 1976, Greig said:

“But if they’re down, they grovel, and I intend, with the help of Closey and a few others, to make them grovel.”

One word is all it took.

Using the word ‘grovel’ might not have swelled accusations of xenophobia, had Tony Greig been anybody else. It might have been forgotten; shrugged off as a slip of the tongue, a forgivable faux pas.

What was intended to be an intimidatory pin-prick in fact turned out to be the most motivational words in sporting history – even if they were for the opposition.

However, as a particularly abrasive white South African emigré, and with apartheid the prominent social issue at the time, Greig made himself an easy target. Connotations of slavery were bandied about, to the extent that his legitimate criticism of any country would later provoke lazy claims of racism. The vitriolic backlash in India in response to his 2012 MCC Spirit of Cricket Lecture, heavily critical of the BCCI, is testament to this – though by now, it was nothing that Greig was not used to.

In 1977, Greig joined forces with Kerry Packer to form World Series Cricket, a watershed in cricket’s history. Realising that cricketers had a commercial value to be exploited, Greig could not digest the logic in county cricketers stacking shelves in the off-season. It would become the episode that exemplified him as a man and cricketer, as he accelerated his path to being ostracized by fans, players and boards.

Greig left little room for such sentimentality. Ultimately, he realised that he was the pariah that cricket needed to shake it up.

An ever-present on the field and in the commentary box for over four decades, Greig was a fixture in Cricket’s landscape. It would be disingenuous to rat out the old cliché of it feeling “empty without him”, but it will feel different.

Greig was one of the first voices I heard as a schoolboy, as I watched Sachin Tendulkar annihilate all comers in Sharjah’s famous ‘Desert Storm’ series. I will forever remember Greig’s booming voice exclaiming: “There is Sachin, there is daylight, then there’s the rest!”

And so, Greig’s South African drawl always evoked happy memories in my mind. He was the soundtrack to my schoolboy days, and to put things into perspective, I’ve probably spent more time listening to Tony Greig than I have to many relatives of mine.

In every sense, Greig was a cricketing antihero. A part of cricket has died with him, and we will be forever poorer for his loss.

However, let it never be said that we were not richer for his presence.

7 – Pragyan Ojha – 20 wickets in the series was an entirely satisfactory return for the left-arm spinner, but is Ojha really the best spinner that India have? He won’t strike fear into the hearts of batsmen, and will surely struggle abroad – however, on this evidence he is more than capable of doing a job at home.

6 – Ravichandran Ashwin - A consistently disappointing series for Ashwin saw him finish with 14 wickets @ 52.6, as he continued to confound with the ball at Test level. Arguably the pleasant surprise of the series with the bat, Ashwin scored 243 runs @ 60.8, even recalling VVS Laxman with his flicks through the leg side.

Ashwin surprised all with his laconic batting.

A dark horse for a leadership role, India should aim to build their future around Ashwin: a calm head, he has the best cricketing brain that India have had since Ravi Shastri.

He is ripe captaincy material, and could also be the quality all-rounder that India have longed for ever since Sanjay Bangar left the scene. It would be a logical move to focus resources on Ashwin as opposed to Virat Kohli, but in a batsman-dominated, safety first culture, he will no doubt find it tough to be heard. However, being one of the worst 100 fielders in the history of all cricket should deservedly count as a handicap against this otherwise promising player.

In a perfect world I’d be allowed to perform a series of contests against Ravi Ashwin to see who is the greater athlete.

— Jarrod Kimber (@ajarrodkimber) December 13, 2012

4.5 – Gautam Gambhir - Remember those halcyon days of Gambhir being India’s most  tenacious player? The gritty anti-hero who blocked out entire days at Napier and Cape Town cut a petulant figure during this series, alienating his support base with a swathe of petty comments. Terming this as a ‘revenge’ series for the whitewash in England, Gambhir offered more excuses than a pregnant nun.

Gambhir: “It means nothing until they’ve beaten us in a best-of-seven T20 series in Abu Dhabi – then let’s talk.” #INDvsENG

— Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) December 17, 2012

It is now three years without a Test century for Gambhir, and his gradual descent into hyper-defensive, selfish behaviour serves to prove how ineffective the team management has been since Gary Kirsten departed, as well as the corrosive attitudes endemic within Team India.

4 – Virender Sehwag - If we deducted half a point for every catch that Sehwag dropped, he would be well into negative territory. Forget yet another mediocre series with the bat, the fact is that India cannot afford to carry both him and Gambhir any longer – the only hunger is for more ghee on his parathas.

Virender Sehwag of India is clean bowled by Graeme Swann of England – nuff zed

4 – Virat Kohli – A typically pugnacious century in the final Test will give Kohli some much-needed respite, although in reality, it merely disguised the fact that he endured an awful series. India need Kohli to flourish quickly at Test level so that he can become the side’s KP - the encouraging thing is that it seems a matter of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

4 – MS Dhoni – A disciplined 99 at Nagpur – his longest ever Test knock – earned Dhoni a modicum of praise but it raised more questions than answers. If Dhoni is so effective at taking responsibility, why doesn’t he promote himself more often, and in all formats? The fact remains that he is so tactically poor, that he must lead from the front to justify his place as captain.

Dhoni’s captaincy has shown as much inspiration as when the producers of the Final Destination franchise made the same film for the 5th time

— The Cricket Geek (@TheCricketGeek) December 9, 2012

Dhoni has been most effective as a leader when his teams have had a youthful look about them, and when newcomers have felt emboldened by his reassuring presence. In an Indian side where joints are creaking and egos are bloating, it’s easy to have sympathy with Dhoni – it’s not as if he can issue a public dressing down to any of the senior players that are letting him down so badly.

4 – Sachin Tendulkar – I would venture that to see Sachin clean bowled yet again was a punch in the gut for all cricket fans. It was a dawning, poignant realization that there really is no coming back from this: that once your eyes are shot, your talent and experience can only count for so much.

They say that age is just a number, and that numbers don’t matter – well, not unless they’re 76 at 18.6. Statistically, this was Tendulkar’s worst ever return in a series with four or more Tests.

It would be folly to write off the best of all time, and in spite of all the evidence, all cricket fans hope that he will be able to retire on a high after the Test series against Australia.

3 – Ishant Sharma – A strong, belated showing at Nagpur should not hide an otherwise awful series for Ishant. Take out his sepia-toned spells to Ponting in 2008, and you wonder whether Sharma would be anywhere near the India side. He has just three five-wicket hauls in six years of Test cricket, and just seven wickets in five Tests this year.

In a just world, there would be a judicial inquiry into how Ishant Sharma ever played 47 Tests.

2 – Yuvraj Singh – We once lived in fevered anticipation; now we accept it with a resigned sigh.

Say it out loud to extinguish any lingering hope, once and for all: “Yuvraj is not a Test player.”

2 – Zaheer Khan – You know you’ve had a poor series when people use the phrase “outbowled by Ishant.” Zaheer still remains India’s most skillful pace bowler of the last decade, but he is also the most unfit medium-pacer the world has seen.

Honorable Mentions

To grade it out of ten would be a great disservice to the Test debut – nay, modern-day virgin birth – that was Ravi Jadeja’s bow at Nagpur. A debatable LBW that may or may not have been crashing into middle stump meant that Jadeja was cruelly cut short just 288 runs short of a memorable triple-century, but as far as low double-figure scores on debut go, it was charming in its brevity.

Indian fans laughed when I said that Jadeja was the saviour of Indian cricket. Well, they’re not laughing now.

Ravi Jadeja celebrates the first of what is likely to be – at the very least – 400 Test wickets.

With the ball, Jadeja recalled a young Bishan Bedi, with a succession of deceptively slow, straight balls that caused both Trott and Pietersen to leave straight deliveries.

Chin up, chaps: there’s no shame in being beaten by the very best.

The Umpires were horrific throughout the series. In particular, (ICC’s non-ironically appointed Umpire of the Year) Kumar Dharmasena and Rod Tucker were black widows to innocent batsmen all over the land. It would have been laughably poor, were they not playing with careers – perennial fall guy Samit Patel was sawn off twice in one Test, and is now consigned to England’s scrapheap.

Leading wicket-takers this series: OJHA 20, SWANN 20, PANESAR 17, ASHWIN 14…DHARMASENA 7. #INDvsENG

— Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) December 17, 2012

Yet, the mysteriously unpopular-in-India-yet-popular-everywhere-else ‘Don’t Review Sachin’ system will still not be introduced until the technology is proven to be more sound than human umpires. Which would be fair enough, but I’ve got a dead Tamagotchi that would have been more competent at judging LBWs than ‘Heads or Tails?’ Dharmasena and Trigger Tucker.

Ross Taylor’s anguished expression moments after his side won the Colombo Test, and he almost certainly lost his job.

COLOMBO – In the wake of their morale-boosting and series-drawing victory against Sri Lanka, New Zealand Cricket has taken the only course available to them and are on the verge of sacking captain Ross Taylor.

“It really is quite simple,” said current New Zealand coach Mike Hesson, “Victories like this just give the New Zealand public hope that we have turned a corner and are heading back to the glory day.”*

“Ross Taylor, as captain, has to shoulder the majority of the blame here. He has improved his batting average since taking the leadership role and there’s a real feeling that the young guys around him might just start to believe in themselves. We can’t have that,” said Hesson. “We’ve just been hurt too many times before.”

New Zealand Cricket chief executive David White was quick to back up his coach. “It is very clear that the problem lies with Taylor. I have absolute faith in Hesson and his win-loss record as New Zealand coach speaks for itself,” he said.

“There is no-one around who is doing a better job at dampening expectations in our cricket side than Mike. I’ll be having a word with him to see if there was anything he did inadvertently that contributed to the win in Colombo, but I think that is extremely unlikely.”

Mike Hesson wears the naive complexion of a cowering meerkat, and the imposing frame of a 12-year-old tomboy.

Formerly retired Pakistan cricketer and professional nutball Shahid Afridi has been uncharacteristically outspoken on the developments. “Obviously, I don’t like it when any cricketer takes the focus away from me, but I find it very disappointing that New Zealand cricket is muscling in on Pakistan’s territory. We invented the back-room implosion. This is just kid’s stuff.”

Afridi went one step further, saying: “In fact, I’d be more than happy to come out of retirement [again] and captain New Zealand. Then we’d really see some serious madness.”

Hesson actually thought such an idea had merit. “That could work actually. We need a captain who can play to the situation and do something stupid every time. He is probably an even better option that McCullum in that respect.”

However, sources say that all this posturing may be pointless as the world is due to end on December 21st. Not because of anything the Mayans may or may not have said, but because this might be the day that Sachin Tendulkar announces his retirement.

*March 16, 1982

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is meant to be taken in jest.

President Barack Obama

- The incumbent may well have won the Nobel Peace Prize, withdrawn troops from Iraq and is currently trying to introduce Brie-eating French socialism (under the cunning guise of ‘universal healthcare’), but Obama failed to personally congratulate Sachin Tendulkar on his century of centuries – a move described by BCCI President N Srinivasan as “a blatant act of provocation.”

– Despite being happy to drone Pakistan back to the 16th century, our Barack had precious little to say about their spot-fixing scandal.

- Although controversial, the President’s willingness to use force to take out the leader of one of the most feared and hated organisations in the world would perhaps win favour with England fans increasingly tiring of Giles Clarke.

- Another four years would also lead to further grassroots investment of public money in cricket although the key test of any stimulus package will be whether more than seven people are awake during next year’s Champions League T20 Final.

- As an iconic figure of hope desperately clinging on to power despite numerous disappointments, Obama will be perfect to go in at number four for India if and when Sachin decides to call it a day.

Mitt Romney

The former Massachusetts senator had to show his credentials as a lunatic in order to win the Republican candidacy, and this experience should serve him well when trying to win favour at the ICC, but what would his presidency mean for the game as a whole?

- Despite being defeated in the primaries, and having what looks like Shane Warne’s reconstituted pubic hair on top of his head, Donald Trump’s close support for Romney throughout the campaign could see him appointed to some sort of role within the game.

- Given his status as a notorious “birther”, perhaps some sort of role rooting out those on African passports who go on to represent other nations on the world stage might be suitable – although the ECB are believed to be strongly opposed to such an idea.

- Women cricketers’ physical health would be rigorously tested. Whether they like it or not.
- His saving of the Winter Olympics in Utah in 2002 and hard-nosed asset stripping of wasteful, over-engorged franchises make him perfect for a management role in the IPL.

So writes Christopher Martin-Jenkins MBE in The Times. One can only presume that the author also slammed his fist on the table after finishing each sentence.

As the author attempts to demonstrate, it is all too simple to spew out poetic, confident words with no factual basis, and a large proportion of the masses will often nod along in sheep-like agreement. However, thanks to the proliferation of social media, we live in a generation where reasoned thought and objective analysis are starting to usurp individuals who might be in a position to influence popular opinion. Clearly, it is a scary prospect for some.

Through years of deciphering passive-aggressive, agenda-driven journalists, we understand that Martin-Jenkins is referring to Test Match Sofa, the online alternative to traditional cricket commentary. In the past couple of days, both The Guardian and BBC have also made references to The Sofa in terms of being a potential fly in the Test Match Special gazpacho.

Interestingly, Martin-Jenkins chooses to make veiled, sneering attacks on the nature of the online station’s furniture – South London’s woodworking and upholstery communities are both outraged – but why does Martin-Jenkins fail to even gloss over the reality of the situation? Surely CMJ’s gripe with The Sofa can’t be that they are building up a formidable cache of swivel-chairs, bean bags, and bar stools? (I even heard they might be bringing in a patio chair, heaven forbid).

The only other explanation in Martin-Jenkins’ bitterness towards Test Match Sofa might have something to do with his pointing out that they don’t pay anything to the ECB. Legally, Test Match Sofa are not obliged to pay a single penny, cent or rupee to any governing body. Practically, it would be akin to Test Match Special forking out an extra £50,000 to the BCCI – and we all know how much that can grate.

In response to the ill-feeling emanating from the BBC, we spoke to Test Match Sofa’s founder, Dan Norcross.

“Establishment detractors either paint us as an unruly mob akin to Visigoths sacking Rome or Clockwork Orange’s Droogs. Or else we’re depicted as parasites, taking over the pure, blessed host from within,” he said.

Test Match Sofa’s commentators are infamous for their lust for ultra-violence on the forsaken, riotous streets of Marylebone.

“‘Predator’ however, is much more flattering. And anyone who has seen the raw power of a gaggle of middle-aged balding fat men commentating on cricket in front of the telly in a windowless box, at all hours of the day and night to avoid engaging in the futility of their dwindling lives, will attest to that.”

So, CMJ doesn’t like Test Match Sofa, but we’re still none-the-wiser as to why. It is uncertain as to whether he has tuned in to The Sofa to listen to even a single session of a Test match, but had he done so, his ears would have no doubt pricked up. To the outsider, it’s a jovial atmosphere where beers are swigged and esoteric jingles (these are often genius, see: Pawan Negi) are the norm. Moreover, there seems to be a grave misconception to an outsider such as CMJ, whereby an outfit such as The Sofa is ‘amateur’ (i.e. no formal experience in a press box, no journalism degrees from Cambridge, no nepotistic appointments as a county press officer).

Shockingly, it is almost as if those on The Sofa are simply driven by a pure, authentic love for the game of cricket. Furthermore, the ‘amateur’ term often used to label The Sofa is a huge misnomer – there are several commentators on their roster who would certainly not be out of place in professional commentary. In fact, they might even be able to teach the likes of CMJ, Jonathan Agnew, and their fellow cake-scoffing untouchables a thing or two.

“The variety of furniture on show demonstrates a clear and present danger to the core values of Test Match Special.”

Truly, this is where the heart of the matter lies. This is not some half-hearted resistance rooted in a misplaced sense of “in-my-day” nostalgia. This is the distilled arrogance and ignorance of an establishment that fears change; the very real fear that a younger, French-speaking, more intelligent, more handsome, IPL-literate version of your current self might be wooing your wife of many years, and that you are powerless to stop him.

What Martin-Jenkins, Giles Clarke and Test Match Special need to understand is that nobody owns cricket. Moreover, scoffing at what they perceive to be lesser mortals only serves to reinforce the view that English cricket’s establishment is out-of-touch. For now, both versions of TMS are perfectly primed to coexist – until perhaps, one fails to adapt to a changing cricketing landscape.

Depending on who you listen to, the recently-concluded Champions League T20 was either cricket’s ugly step-sister or an altogether more insidious event, designed purely to further the interests of Indian cricket as a cynical, money-making exercise.

The aesthetics might not have been to everybody’s taste, with four IPL teams automatically qualifying for the tournament ahead of worthy, ‘unfashionable’ teams. Unlike the Mumbai Indians, these teams had not finished fourth out of nine – rather, sides such as Sialkot Stallions and Trinidad & Tobago were national champions, yet were knocked out in the arduous qualifying rounds. It left a bad taste in the mouth to see IPL sides pull an act that the Vikings would have been proud of, pillaging T&T of their stars in Sunil Narine, Kieron Pollard and Dwayne Bravo.

Effectively, the IPL teams were given a 30 metre head start in a 100 metre race, with some of their opponents forced to cannibalize each other before the race, just to qualify for the main event.

Perhaps exemplifying the futility of it all, Bravo didn’t even play a match for Chennai Super Kings, who still had to fork over $150,000 to T&T (a particularly bizarre way of inducing Stockholm Syndrome).

Lust for Schadenfreude

Ultimately, like the multitude of other T20 tournaments that have simultaneously infiltrated and invigorated the fan’s calendar, CLT20′s raison d’être is largely irrelevant once we are able to take off our holier-than-thou Jonathan Agnew-tinted specs, and look at it from a purely cricketing point of view. Many arguments against the CLT20 have been verging on fallacious potshots regarding the fact that the tournament doesn’t actually contain ‘champions’ per se, but basing your entire hatred of a tournament on a misnomer is something that I can’t summon from the Grammar Nazi within me.

End of the line?

So, was the cricket actually any good? With three of the four IPL teams bombing out at their first hurdle, it’s doubtful as to whether many fans stayed to find out. A tournament where India’s former beacon of hope, multi-millionaire, and owner of ridiculous hair embarrassed himself with a series of waning displays is usually a hard sell – with just 40 runs in four innings, maybe the retirement talk surrounding Ravi Jadeja isn’t so premature after all?

The attraction in such a league lies in its romantic nature. Jadeja’s rumoured $5 million per year dwarfs the entire BBL salary cap of the Sydney Sixers, as well as their sizable CLT20 winner’s pot. With such discrepancies in earning power, and the sports fan’s insatiable lust for schadenfreude, no neutral follower could ever summon up the courage to support an IPL team – and the likes of the Lions and Sixers made sure that all twelve of us were not left disappointed.

As well as providing the platform for journeymen to score a huge pay day, many players took advantage of the potential for an additional one at the next IPL auction – Mitchell Starc won the Player of the Series award for his 14 wickets, but players such as Steven O’Keefe and Azhar Mahmood would prove value buys for any team.

How To Level The Playing Field

The notion of a ‘Champions League’ is certainly an attractive one, and its European footballing equivalent is a huge draw for both fans and sponsors, with a longevity proven over the best part of six decades. The CLT20 version will no doubt strive to replicate the success of its cash-rich UEFA counterpart, but there is a gulf in both fairness and finances.

To qualify for the UEFA Champions League, different European leagues are assigned coefficients based on their respective strengths, based objectively on previous performances of those leagues over the past five years. Compare this to the CLT20, where Indian, Australian and South African teams were allowed to directly enter teams according to their financial stake in the tournament. Of course, this is inherently unfair to other teams, but in contrast to football, cricket’s viewership is concentrated in a single, Shastri-populated country.

Without India’s participation, the CLT20 falls flat on its feet – viewership figures for the South Africa vs Australia final will make intriguing reading – and so, a healthy Indian contingent is essential to the success of this tournament, at least as it gets off the ground. The playing field looks even more slanted in favour of the IPL sides when we see that Indian teams are allowed four overseas players, whereas other countries are allowed a maximum of two. This blatant unfairness should be viewed as a temporary, necessary evil.

In terms of finances, Sydney Sixers earned $2.5 million as this year’s champions. As runners-up in 2011, Manchester United’s UEFA Champions League campaign earned them in the region of $70 million, and this is no doubt a huge long-term carrot for cricket’s member boards. (Rumours that the BCCI tried to tax Manchester United for not including an Indian in their squad remain unsubstantiated).

Whether the CLT20 remains viable in a decade’s time will largely mirror the future of the IPL, which as we pointed out last week, is precarious at best. For the time being, the tournament that nobody wants but everybody tolerates is left to tease us in an annual three-week period of cricketing limbo.

Tears were shed across the country last week, as a nation in mourning decried the actions of a military junta ruthlessly attempting to exterminate a renowned symbol of hope and joy. Tributes of support have come from far and wide, with many decrying the incident as a “national tragedy.”

Of course, the Deccan Chargers Holdings Ltd were the architects of their own undoing, and ultimately only have themselves to blame for carelessly veering towards the edge of the steepest of cliffs, before gleefully being given the final push by the BCCI. It seems inevitable that Deccan Chargers are the tip of the iceberg in terms of financial mismanagement, and internal discussions at the IPL now revolve around how to give other franchises a crutch to lean on until their ten-year leases expire.

Deccan Chargers epitomize the ‘casino culture’ that has been a symptom of the IPL ever since its inception. In the weeks to come, the question will be asked: “How were an ailing print company allowed to purchase the rights to a $107m team that only existed on paper?”

There will be manifold answers, including a Walter Mitty-esque desire to acquire a status symbol; Lalit Modi’s powers as a snake oil salesman, and seemingly infinite layers of improper due diligence. However, all answers will ultimately revolve around one thing only: greed.

Greed has characterized the IPL ever since its birth in a glitzy auction-house, where Bollywood’s finest actors took piles of cash and threw them at players of varying quality. “Oh, you hit four sixes in a row? Was it televised in India? Well son, it looks like you’re in luck, to the tune of $300,000.”

Some businesses purchased shrewdly and built their teams around the most promising young Indians, and a few of the smarter teams have managed to stay afloat in the intervening period, with no immediate anticipated financial haemorrhaging. However, year after year, the same auction room has been filled with a combination of sage businessmen overcome by greed, and actors indulging in some of the finest ego-stroking since Allen Stanford hung nude paintings of himself in the lobby of his megayacht.

Whilst I appreciate that the likes of Shah Rukh Khan and Preity Zinta must possess some degree of business nous, neither would have been first on my list if I needed help in determining whether it would be cost-effective to buy Simon Katich, or eschew him in favour of a promising youngster. Granted, I’d still give Preity a call before I asked for Sunil Gavaskar’s opinion.

A West Indian player recently described the IPL auction aptly. “It’s Christmas come early, every year,” he bellowed, presumably before checking his bank account and pinching himself in disbelief.  It is an open secret that salary caps are flaunted, and that many players are given jobs by holding companies ‘on the side’ in roles such as ‘brand ambassadors’ and ‘executive assistants’.

But where is the money coming from? All franchises have been struggling financially to some extent – even with those teams that have planned carefully, the income is far lower than projected five years ago, and the financial climate has taken a turn for the worse. In the murky back rooms of the IPL, one would have expected that franchises would be shouting from the rooftops about the sheer extent of their vast profits, yet all we have is radio silence.

A watershed moment for the IPL was the purchase – and immediate failure – of Kochi Tuskers Kerala in 2010, which was bought by a variety of shady consortiums for the not-too-shabby sum of $333m. As well as being bought for three times the amount of most franchises just three years before, the Kochi franchise was valued higher than established football clubs such as Manchester City, Atletico Madrid and Borussia Dortmund.

Each of these clubs are over a century old, and Kochi had yet to even play a match – let alone turn a profit – before it was purchased for this eye-watering amount. Who in their right mind would even contemplate putting money into what would seem to be a commercial black hole?

To add to the IPL’s woes, its latest valuation lies at around $2.92bn, a huge decline from $4.13bn just two years ago. Ongoing frosty relationships with Kings XI Punjab and Pune Warriors in particular are likely to come to a head at some point, with the latter having nearly pulled out altogether just before IPL 5. Perhaps most worryingly, DLF – you may know them for their cement empire, as well as coining the made-for-Shastri, nauseating ‘DLF Maximum’ – have pulled out as the IPL’s title sponsor. There are no other companies lining up to pay upwards of $50m for another five-year term – will the IPL even exist then?

The IPL masquerades behind its glitz and glamour, but with its never-ending controversy and financial skullduggery, one can only recall uncomfortable similarities to the Ponzi empire run by the aforementioned Stanford. The IPL are courting bidders for a new franchise, but buying one would be akin to setting your money on fire, throwing it down a bottomless pit, or paying upwards of $5m a year to Ravindra Jadeja.

The IPL’s house of sand is certain to collapse eventually. Just like the dotcom crash and current financial crisis, it is just a matter of time before years of mismanagement, unrealistic valuations and sheer greed are exposed.