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The wide and wonderful world of football employs over 65000 professional footballers, according to FIFPro. Not even the most ardent Football Manager addict can claim to know every single one of them. Thus, oftentimes, one finds the need to google a footballer – and it is an exercise fraught with danger, as some footballers have names that can get you in trouble if someone happens to walk by and look at your screen.Here are 10 players who you *have* to google with their full names, or risk getting dirty looks from everyone in your office.
#1 Areola, Alphonse (Villarreal)
The La Liga goalkeeping rankings for various statistical websites have a rather comical look to them this year. With the word ‘Areola’ occupying the top echelons of the goalkeeping stats this season, one would be forgiven for thinking that someone with a breast fetish had gone on a website hacking spree.
Alphonse Areola, one of France’s topmost goalkeeping prospects, contracted to Paris St. Germain, is on loan to Villarreal this season. The French keeper, who is of Filipino heritage, might not be glad with PSG’s strategy of loaning him out to a different club every season, as his initiation rituals at each club are no doubt filled with people making light of his name.
Maybe that is precisely what aids Areola in his goalkeeping, as the position requires a very thick skin, and the mental strength required to fend off those teasing him about his name must be substantial.
Here’s what shows up when one googles Areola. For obvious reasons, we cannot include a screenshot of the ‘images’ tab.
#2 Mata, Juan (Manchester United)
Juan Mata, creator extraordianire, is a magician with the ball at his feet, and his glittering career for Valencia, Chelsea, Manchester United and Spain has resulted in him being acknowledged as a world-class player. With his affable personality, Mata has scores of fans across multiple clubs, and like most football fans, they do tend to deify him and place him on an exalted pedestal.
Google’s taken the deification of Mata to another level altogether. If one searches for the Spaniard’s surname from India, the results are far more religious than one would expect for a footballer. Here’s how searching for the Manchester United midfielder might make your parents quite proud of their child’s Internet search history:
For a man who’s name in Spanish literally translates to ‘John Kills’, Juan Mata’s Google’s search results in India are a far more apt reflection of the affable Spaniard.
#3 Chippendale, Aidan (Stalybridge Celtic)
Aidan Chippendale currently plies his trade in the 6th tier of the English footballing pyramid, but the winger started out at a higher level of football, making his debut for Huddersfield Town who were in League One in 2009.
Trying to find out more about the Stalybridge Celtic player is a bit perilous though, as Aidan’s surname is – well, we shall let Google’s search results speak for itself.
Football’s dressing rooms are notorious for their state of undress, what with Carles Puyol infamously greeting the Queen of Spain after a World Cup victory in a towel. However, one wonders if Aidan Chippendale’s journeyed career has seen his teammates request a striptease at his initiation into the club.
With ‘dream hard, live harder’ part of his twitter bio, it won’t be a surprise if Aidan’s slide down the footballing pyramid ends with him becoming a posterboy for nominative determinism.
#4 Quim (C.D. Aves)
Given that the Portuguese goalkeeper’s full name is Joaquim Manuel Sampaio da Silva, it’s perhaps easier on the wrists to type Quim into Google’s search box. It wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do, as British football fans have always let out a minor snigger when the goalkeeper’s name is announced on the tannoy, given that ‘quim’ is the British slang for a woman’s, ahem, genitals.
Quite what was wrong with a perfectly succinct name such as Joaquim, that needed the 40-year-old to shorten his name to ‘Quim’, is a thing of wonder. Here’s what Google thinks of the Portuguese custodian – clearly we cannot show images:
Quim, as he is widely known, has enjoyed a long career with spells at Portuguese clubs Braga and Benfica, while also appearing for the Portuguese national team. He was the undoubted first choice in the qualification for the 2002 FIFA World Cup, but missed out on the tournament after failing a drugs test.
#5 Dost, Bas (Wolfsburg)
If the Indian Super League ever entices the Dutch hitman to ply his trade here, the 26 year old might spend a very confused few months in Indian environs wondering why he has such a large population of relatives here.
Since his name literally translates to ‘Enough, friend’ in Hindi, it is not a surprise that Google’s location specific search results for the Wolfsburg stiker appear in such a manner :
Given that Dost is currently spending time with his feet up, having suffered a metatarsal injury, it may be time to dive into Indian cinema and watch a few movies that share his name.
The Dutch striker was the most lethal striker in Europe in 2014/15, having scored 18 goals in 54 shots to have the best chance conversion rate. A streak of 11 goals in six matches during the season probably had multiple Bundesliga goalkeepers going, “Bas, Dost!” in German.
#6 Butt, Hans-Jorg (Retired)
Hans-Jorg Butt is the thrid goalkeeper in this list, which is a very revealing fact in itself. Perhaps this may motivate those with unfortunate surnames to encourage their children to aim for a career in goal. Butt was between the sticks for a host of Bundesliga clubs, spending 4 years with Hamburg and Bayern Munich and a 6 year spell with Bayer Leverkusen.
Interestingly enough, the German spent the 2007/08 season with Benfica, where he was the understudy to Quim. Clearly, the sporting director of the Potuguese club was having a joke.
With the Google image search results for the word ‘Butt’ being quite, ahem, risque, here are the Kim-Kardashian filled results for googling the word ‘Butt’:
Butt was famous for being a goal-scoring keeper, taking penalty kicks for his sides. However it went badly wrong for the German in a game against Schalke, as he scored a penalty for Bayer Leverkusen but was slow to return to his goal, celebrating along the way, which allowed the opposition to score from the kickoff, with Butt none the wiser.
#7 Fuego, Javi (Valencia)
Tough tackling defensive enforcers are usually described as ‘fiery’, but Javi Fuego takes the description to another level entirely, given than his name is the Spanish word for fire. The 32-year-old is a late bloomer when it comes to football, having spent a majority of his career at La Liga minnows like Sporting Gijon and Rayo Vallecano, and only signed with Valencia in 2013.
Given Gary Neville’s dismal start to his managerial stint at Valencia, the Englishman might be hoping that Javi Fuego does live up to his name and set the pitch alight in Valencia’s next game.
Searching for Fuego in Google results in a rather obvious group of images, although someone walking by may be motivated to call up the police and report a potential arsonist.
#8 Hazard, Eden (Chelsea)
Eden Hazard is a wonderfully talented footballer, who drove Chelsea to the 2014/15 Premier League title and Belgium to the top of the FIFA Rankings as well. However, given the way that the 25-year-old’s form has taken a nosedive, coupled with his apparent reluctance to put his body on the line for Jose Mourinho; the Belgian wizard has lived up to his name for the manager of a club that is interested in his services.
‘Once a hazard becomes active, it can create an emergency’ – This definition provided by Google’s search results, is probably how opposition defenders describe Eden Hazard. The Belgian’s loss of form has resulted in him not scoring in the 2015/16 season, but once he starts putting in a real shift, there will be many defenders scrambling all over the place to thwart an emergency.
#9 Samba, Christopher (Dynamo Moscow)
Christopher Samba first came to the limelight with his commanding performances for then Premier League side Blackburn Rovers from the 2007/08 season. Standing at a gigantic 1.94 metres in height, the Congolese centre-back is perhaps not the most adept at performing the Samba, although some strikers often danced their way around him.
Following a 5 year spell with Rovers, Samba made a big money move to Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala, earning a reported wage of £100,000 a week. The weekly wage would not have mattered much to Samba, as he was repeatedly subject to racist chants and gestures by fans of opposing teams.
While Samba is still in Russia, now cavorting for Dynamo Moscow, a Google image search of his surname results in a calvacade of samba dancers. Perhaps Samba augments his sizable salary by helping Russians to find their inner rhythm. Well, one can dream.
#10 Fucks, Argelico (Manager - SC Internacional)
Undoubtedly the best name in football, Argelico Fucks, who some have kindly taken to calling ‘Argel’ to spare him the embarrassment, is more famous for his surname than for his footballing career. The Brazilian centre-back did have a fairly decent career, having turned out for Brazilian giants SC Internacional and Santos, with spells in Portugal as well.
The centre-back made the headlines with his move to Benfica, as a Eurosport headline that was wonderfully titled ‘Fucks off to Benfica’ went ‘viral’ before the term even existed.
For obvious reasons, we’ll refrain from showing you the Google results of ‘Argel’s surname:
The Brazilian has transcended his name with his managerial career however. Argel is clearly living up to his name by being a very, ‘promiscuous’ manager, having had 21 managerial spells in just 8 years, including 5 clubs in an incredible 2011. Now managing his former club SC Internacional, their fans are hoping that he doesn’t repeat the Benfica headline and ____s off to somewhere else.
