Satire: 6 excerpts from Harbhajan Singh's upcoming autobiography

Illustrious Indian cricketer Harbhajan Singh, better known as the Turbanator for his overused talent of running through the opposition line-up with uncanny regularity is finally set to release his long-pending autobiography titled ‘From Pav to Bhajji’. The charismatic Navjot Singh Sidhu is said to have penned the preface of the book that’s slated to release on April Fools’ Day next year. This autobiography is going to be the debut product of the publishing company set up by swashbuckling Indian middle-order batsman Suresh Raina’s nephew.Although scripting the tale of a career as controversially profound as Harbhajan’s apparently promises mildly more than a handful of fireworks, the man is keeping tight-lipped about most of the content despite being posed with questions at hotels, restaurants and even multiplex washrooms. The author here, however, caught up with him during a morning walk by what may seem as divine intervention and was fortunate enough to unearth quite a few excerpts from the manuscript.Note: This is just a work of fiction and is only meant for humour

#6 Suing Pepsi over \'Change the Game\' advertisements

The unorthodox grip

“It was foolish on my part. They conned me into believing that holding the cherry like that would actually get the turn which I had never even dreamt of. So I went about practicing it day and night – with oranges, apples and any round object that I could lay my hands upon. I had mastered it by the end of the week, and the plan appeared workable when this Kiwi batsman who turned up at the nets got beaten time and again.

The ‘ungli mein tingli’ grip was so out of the box that it made me forget my conventional grip – something I had practiced for the previous fifteen years. My career was destroyed and the Pepsi guys had to pay for fooling me into annihilating my career with my own hands. The doosra – my cherished doosra – was gone forever. It was like losing your own child.

The case is still pending in Mumbai High Court. I don’t know how I’ll get my grip back, but I want Pepsi to face the ordeals of the law. They’ll remember this the next time they conjure some weird advertisement that speaks of innovations that the game never really had.”

#5 Recording the song

Bhajji sung a solo in the album ‘Meri Maa’

“Back when I was around seven or eight, my mother used to send me to a music school in Jalandhar. I learnt Punjabi music for six years before I took up cricket seriously and had to sacrifice music. It was tough, for I was already a child prodigy and an established name in Pujabi lullaby singing. I’d write lullabies, decide on the tune and sing them at every school function.

When Venus Worldwide Entertainment came to me for recording a solo in the album ‘Meri Maa’, I was a bit disgruntled initially. I had expected to sing the full album instead of a single song, but Champak Jain, director of Venus Group, explained his ideas to me and they seemed logical. It was my first recording after a couple of duets with Yo Yo Honey Singh that he never released, and I was happy that my voice was getting the recognition it deserved.

I had earlier ventured into dancing, but my Bhangra lost out against heavier opponents and I decided I’d stick to singing. The day Lataji (Mangeshkar) decided to work with Brett Lee I knew I had every chance of making it as big in this field as inside the 22 yards.”

#4 Saturday nights with Symonds

Harbhajan Singh with Andrew Symonds (R)

“With his unkempt locks and cream-smeared lips, Andrew Symonds was one of the most naturally handsome personalities I had come across. He’d trudge along with lazy elegance radiating an air of amiable gentlemanship and his words would ooze literary brilliance. He’s a quiet chap mostly on the field, and when he speaks, it’s generally about pleasant things like weather and food.

The ‘altercation’ – as the media named it – between me and Symmo was actually harmless, contrary to what the cricketing world believed. Ricky Ponting, the then Australia captain had caught the word ‘monkey’ while we were talking about the health benefits of bananas, and went on to make a huge deal about it – calling for witnesses in the ICC hearing and all.

Big boy Symmo was the only Australian who was pleasant to me, and he continues to be a decent friend even now. We still catch up on Saturday nights at local bars whenever I am in Australia. There was never a hint of enmity or any form of mutual loathing between us and I believe his unconscious mind knows that too.”

#3 Slapping Sreesanth - The coffee-table bet

Shanthakumaran Sreeshanth after slapgate incident

“Had I known that Sree (Sreesanth) would make such a hue and cry over it, I’d have never slapped him. He deserves a kick. It still continues to amuse me how I ended up as the villain in a seemingly harmless bet that was mutually decided the previous night. The media staged an uproar and Sree danced along – it was unbelievable how a kid could be this evil.

All that began as a coffee table bet that Sreesanth would get a hug from Preity (Zinta, Kings XI Punjab owner) at the beginning of the match, or else he would be slapped sometime later by me. Preity usually hugged the players after the match, especially after a win. Yuvraj, being the captain would receive a peck sometimes, but it was unusual for the actress to come to the dressing room before the match, for she arrived at the stadium while the match was on.

Sree was confident that he could persuade the filmstar to arrive before the match that day and hug the players as they take the field. His efforts, however, fell through and the ball was back in my court. But Sree turned out to be a shrewd cry-baby who sniffed and wailed and made a show just in order to get the hug that had eluded him at the beginning of the match.”

#2 Running with Greg Chappell

Greg Chappell (L) and Harbhajan Singh

“Oh, it was a nightmare. He (Greg Chappell, the then Indian cricket team coach) would wake us up at 5 in the morning in the December chill, have us at the practice ground by 5:30 and make us do 10 laps around the ground. By the time we went to the nets, we were already too tired to bowl as fast as we normally would. That was fitness for him.

(Gary) Kirsten was far better as a coach. Not only was he a great teamman who would listen to all our whims, but also not strict about getting up on winter mornings and running around. He’d rather tell us to play Temple Run on our Androids during breakfast for he believed that hand-eye coordination was as important as any other reflex. No wonder Viru (Virender Sehwag) prospered under him.”

#1 The Hair-y affair

Harbhajan Singh

“I don’t get it. Probably, it was about him (ICC umpire Darrell Hair) being an Australian. Australians don’t like me. I know that. Everyone knows that, no matter what they prefer to believe. I have never resorted to chucking; neither has the ICC found me guilty ever. Hair was just jealous that he didn’t have as many wickets as me.

Anilbhai (Kumble) would often come up to me during nets and watch me bowl. He’d say I was doing fine and I’d smile and tell him, “That guy doesn’t like my facial hair, I think. He feels he has the monopoly over all things remotely hairy on this planet. Maybe, next time I’ll remember to shave when I go out after lunch.

Hair was always picking up flaws in even Muttiah Muralitharan. It’s like having lice in your scalp – it’s always itching and you are never pleased with anything. Shaving and all – it’s got to do with psychology – a Freudian hypothesis, I once read.”