Act I
It doesn’t bode well that as soon as the WWE Films logo came up that I immediately thought “Aw crap. This was a bad idea.”
Can cops just enter a house even if they hear screaming? What if it was coming from a loud television, like it just did mine? Can the cops walk in, guns drawn, opening random doors? Are the cops gonna do that to my place if I keep watching horror movies in the middle of the day at top volume?
I don’t know, but these cops did and that seems like a) maybe illegal, or at least it’s a weird grey area and b) a bad idea since so far this movie is half-assed religious shrines and blood on the walls of decrepit homes. And a trailer in woods with a similar motif...Ooooh, it actually was a screaming lady.
Well, she was screaming because her eyes have been removed. We know this from a gratuitous trolley shot that moves into the middle of her head. Kane showed up for a second to dispatch (hehehe) of the police with an axe, catching one dude in the face and lopping off the other one’s arm.
He got a shot off on Kane and then Kane left, I’m assuming because he forgot his mask.
A bus of troubled teen girls are going on a field trip to a local prison! They are warned not to “fraternize” with the inmates. I am interested in what is going on now.
The bus is just there to pick up some troubled teen boys to go with the troubled girls to go do good for the community or something. I think there’s 4 dudes and 4 gals but I’m not sure because they all look the same.
They show up at The Blackwell Hotel and one of the dudes is like “We left county for this?!?” like jail is way better than hanging out with four girls in a spooky building. Dude, you outnumber the staff, and one of them is the dude that got his arm chopped off earlier, this is gonna be super fun!
The troubled teens are sent to work renovating the hotel because it’s made of bugs having sex. So now they’re unsupervised and planning escapes. Michael is the name of one of the guys.
Kira is the name of one of the girls. They have a history together as he was her employer at some point in the past. Michael’s cleaning a bathroom that doubles as a serial killer weapons museum and I can’t get away from WWE’s dumb masturbation jokes even while watching a horror movie.
Two of the other guys are going on a treasure hunt! It seems there is a safe and one of them has blueprints to the hotel, so that will obviously lead them right to the hidden loot. Christine is also a girl and she beat up or killed her dad or step-dad or something and that’s why she’s in the movie. The dad person probably deserved it and she’ll probably win this in the end.
After throwing a hobo cup at a stray dog, remember this is in the middle of hotel, Michael decides to do some drugs. He offers drugs to some of the other professional renovators/prisoners. It’s cool though because they’re gluten-free, organic, anti-GMO, free-range artisanal drugs. This movie might take place in Park Slope.
Alright, timeout. There is a lot of swearing and nudity in this movie. I didn’t sign up for this. (Editor’s note: This whole thing was Graham’s idea.)
