Kayfabe - WWE house show began on Wednesday, still going on as John Cena battles himself

John Cena vs Himself

An untelevised World Wrestling Entertainment event in Chernobyl, Ukraine, part of the European tour that the company is currently doing, was scheduled to begin and end on Wednesday night (local time). However, things did not go according to plan.

The opening match featured a mysterious man named Zack Ryder losing to El Torito, followed by a Diva's match featuring the never-before-seen match-up of Diva's Champion Nikki Bella facing off against Number One Contender Paige in a non-title match, which was won astonishingly by Paige after blinding her opponent with her skin tone. After those two considerable successes, the third match was set to feature John Cena issuing his now regular United States Championship open challenge.

The original opponent scheduled to come out and face Cena was fan-favourite, house show usual, regular jobber and dedicated full-time worker Brock Lesnar. However, in an act completely unlike anything Brock Lesnar has done in his career, he decided not to show up that night. "Brock didn't show up tonight for reasons that are quite unclear," quoted WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. "We don't quite understand. He was supposed to do his regular job of losing in a couple of minutes while exerting no offence."

WWE had no other options as there were two other singles matches remaining that night, and other than those competitors, there was no other talent backstage to fill Lesnar's spot. Vince McMahon had no option but to book John Cena against himself in a 'single competitor match' for the United States Championship.

"I can see an advantage in this match of the crowd not knowing at all who would be the United States Champion by the end of the night," said Michael Hayes, one of WWE's key creative members.

Brandi Rhodes, ring name Eden Stiles, announced John Cena twice as he entered, once as challenger and once as champion, to the bewilderment of the entire crowd. Cena himself had no idea how to go about the match, but he still continued with it.

Eden Stiles announced John Cena twice, adding to the confusion

The bell rang and immediately Cena lied down, pinning himself and kicking out at two. Right after this, he raised his left leg while lying on his belly and wrapped one arm around his jaw, apparently locking in an STF submission hold on himself. He used his free arm to crawl over the bottom rope and break the hold.

The match continued on with flying shoulder tackles in which Cena spun in mid-air to fall on his back, to show that he felt the impact of the move. There were several five-knuckle shuffles delivered to the ring mat, and also what appeared to be Attitude Adjustments where he climbed to the top rope and fell in a fashion as a victim of the move. However, every pinfall in the match resulted in Cena kicking out at two. This repetitive pattern continued on through Wednesday night and all of the next two days, but the match still didn't end.

"Cena sucks," said a fat, balding, pony-tailed, bespectacled, pimple-complexioned man from the audience. "He can't even wrestle himself."

The fan in the white shirt was very vocal about his views, while a tired fan slept in the bottom left corner.

All the members of the audience were forced to go hungry through all this as WWE Officials wouldn't allow anyone to leave until the show was over. Soon Chernobyl seemed to be a hostile place, something that nobody could ever imagine.The match continued into Saturday, today, and it is still not over. There seems to be no sign of the match ending anytime soon, or at least that cannot be judged anymore. There have been sixteen-thousand or so Attitude Adjustments delivered (nobody knows to which Cena), and none of them have been able to end the match.

"This seems to be a highly entertaining match," said Vince McMahon. "You can tell the crowd have always been into it. The crowd have been here from start to finish, and some have gone to sleep and not woken up for an alarmingly long time, a sign that they are dreaming about the match. And this isn't even it! After this, there's still the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match where Dean Ambrose will lose badly to Seth Rollins, and a match that everyone always loves to see: The Big Show vs Roman Reigns! I can say that this event has been a huge success."