Satire: Bring back 'Viscount' Vinay

Somewhere from the debris of Vinay will emerge the next Dale Steyn in India

There comes a time in life when a man needs to stand up for what he believes in. Some choose grandiose moments; I’ve only felt this way twice, the first was when I couldn’t find Froot Loops at my local supermarket.

The second was earlier this week when I realized that Viscount Vinay Kumar, the new King of Swing (let’s face it, the batsmen do swing a lot when he’s bowling) wasn’t part of the Indian team for the tour of New Zealand.

I remember it like it was yesterday (in fact, it was). I was looking for the usual delusional comment from Sergeant Sixer, you know the one, ‘I want to be the leader of the attack’, as if that guy could lead anything, let alone attack. I was about to snort in derision when I realized that there was no quote before me. Further investigation revealed the shocking news that he wasn’t part of the team.

There are many reasons to pick Vinay, but only one reason not to. Admittedly it’s a pretty valid reason, i.e. that he’s God awful, but that shouldn’t take away from his other qualities.

Firstly, he’s very very consistent. You know exactly what you’re going to get with Vinay, absolute rubbish. Fielders can relax, the crowd is on high alert for incoming pieces of leather, and the captain knows exactly what he’s going to get. Commentators often complain of bowlers releasing pressure with a ‘boundary ball’, Vinay has cleverly dealt with that by bowling a boundary ball almost every ball. You can’t release pressure if there isn’t any, take that Mr Commentator!

He’s also a team player. Not for him the moment of glory, no match winning hauls for our hero. He operates from the shadows (because the floodlights have gone out), selflessly bowling rubbish so that the rest of the bowlers look good.

Also, the captain doesn’t need to waste time setting fields, unless the ICC decides to allow fielders in the crowd (not entirely inconceivable the way they tinker with ODI regulations).

He’s brave enough to be his own man too. Most bowlers bowl yorkers at the death, as a result, batsmen have come to expect this. Vinay’s individuality was visible to all when he came up with a plan so cunning/idiotic (delete a word depending on whether you’re the Viscount or not) that it left many a mind boggled.

His thought process probably went a little like this. ‘Batsmen are expecting yorkers. Therefore they’re prepared for them. So, bowl something else. Bouncer? Isn’t fair with my pace. Wide full ball? Too mainstream. I’ve got it! Length cleverly mixed up with full tosses. That’ll show them!’

Vinay is also responsible for millions of kids taking up fast bowling. On the face of it he has absolutely nothing going for him. Pace? Forget about it. Swing? Yeah, right. Control? Nope. Variations? If you count 4446 and 6646 as variations, sure.

He’s still picked. So is it unreasonable for children to think ‘if he can do it, anyone can.’ For all we know he’s part of a secret BCCI project to motivate kids to take up fast bowling. Somewhere from the debris of Vinay will emerge the next Dale Steyn. After all, he’s constantly lowering the bar. Wouldn’t want to play limbo with him!

Most importantly, after Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement, the nation needs a cricketer that can bring us together as one. Vinay fits that bill. Even his name is Our Vinay Kumar. How many times have people collectively shouted at their TV sets while Viscount Vinay has been on screen?

If I could paraphrase from Johnny English, he knows no pace, he knows no swing, he knows nothing.

Say it with me, ‘We want Vinay! We want Vinay! We want Froot Loops! We want Vinay!’

Bring back the Viscount.