Satire: MS Dhoni's faith in himself inspires survival series reboot

MS Dhoni

MS Dhoni has been offered a prime contract with a popular channel’s survival television series, if sources are to be believed. The supreme confidence he showed in himself while leading India to a historic defeat in the only T20 International against England is believed to have turned the tide in his favor. The original show, which portrays individual survival skills in extreme conditions, had been canceled a few years back, and the channel has since been scouting for a worthy player to launch a reboot. While Dhoni has been on their radar for quite a while now, the selfless individualism displayed in the last game made him the automatic choice.

While the exact format of the new show is not known, insiders indicate that it will entail putting sportspersons on their own in extreme-discomfort zones. In Dhoni’s context, this could mean batting continuously without having the luxury of getting out, on a bouncy Perth wicket, on which a layer of grass will be cultivated – thereby inducing pace, bounce, swing and seam on the same wicket. The shoot will take place on a day as determined by a cloudy weather forecast for maximum impact.

While the initial plan was to make the Indian captain pad up without a helmet, his managers firmly put their foot down, citing upcoming product endorsement negotiations that require him to keep all his facial features in their current location. The channel’s ambitious plan was to rope in 5 of the best bowlers in the world to bowl at Dhoni, but, after taking into account the Indian captain’s fees, it has revised its ambitions and will be recruiting club cricketers from in and around Perth.

The insider, on condition of anonymity, revealed that the format will require the Indian captain to face 10 overs from the fastest bowlers available within the budget, with runs being scored only in boundaries. He will have to face the entire quota of overs, and the number of times he gets dismissed will just be an embarrassment. A lot of confusion prevailed over if Dhoni would enter the arena by himself or if he would be assigned a pseudo runner, but, as of now, the latter option has been finalized. The producers were highly impressed by Dhoni’s act of refusing singles and believe that the expressions generated by Ambati Rayudu, the silent spectator in the final over of the T20, largely controlled smiles so as to not betray the choice expletives surging within, would do wonders for the show’s TRP.

While the runner’s contract has not been finalized, on current form, Rayudu seems likely to get the nod. When contacted, Rayudu said, “I have not yet been approached with an offer, but as you would have seen, I am the best man for the job, and the most experienced.” This comment has not gone down well with some of the senior players in the team. One of them, who chose to remain anonymous, stated, “I have no clue what he means by being the most experienced. I have been refused singles by Dhoni across all formats for the past three years. Just one match and he claims to be the most experienced?”

Although not a part of the aforementioned T20, Alastair Cook has been on cloud nine ever since this news broke. With utmost humility, Cook said, “If Dhoni got a contract for a survival series after a match with us, it must mean that we are being equated to a force of nature; I have seen the show, that’s exactly what the contestants do… I think this is the perfect answer to losers who keep saying that our team is not good enough to compete in the World Cup. This proves to the world that we are not useless swans (pauses and emphasizes) but dangerous, wild animals.”

Cook was not impressed when reminded that a lot of credit was being given to Eoin Morgan for accurate field positioning in the final over. “Who cares??? We are Wild!!! And who put together this team? I did!!!”

With no official comment from the BCCI, and with most players, including Dhoni, maintaining a diplomatic silence, team manager Ravi Shastri was asked if Dhoni would be accepting or rejecting the offer. He took a deep breath, looking straight at the camera, and mysteriously said, “All three outcomes are possible.”

Disclaimer: This article is a satire and is only meant for humour.