5 things Indian fans need to realise during World Cups

It’s okay not to keep calm during the ICC World Cup. It’s okay to be obsessed about cricket so much so that you end up shadowing in bed. It’s also okay to call off your meeting or the doctor’s appointment when India is ripping apart South Africa’s lower order. Of course, your wife’s scheduled delivery appears too trivial in front of this pool match whose significance transcends mere sporting boundaries and basks in statistical splendor, but not before striking a few patriotic chords.World Cups are a tough time. The useless matches are never that useless, and this somehow, balances the secretly-acknowledged fact that the apparently important ones are seldom so. Yet an Indian viewer is pledge-bound to demonstrate his undying love for the game by watching ’em all.However, one must understand a few solemn things that the ideal society detests. Be it slipping back to the 90s and reminiscing on Azharuddin or constructing uncomfortable Misbah jokes nonchalantly on social media (Indians were never popular for their humor) – there are ways they need to quit being irritating.

#1 Blacklisting the team right after a defeat is not cool

Caption

World Cup matches are like JEE exams. You get years to prepare yourself and ultimately, it comes down to just one day. It does not take Kolmogorov to calculate the odds of that being a bad day at office. Mistakes are only human, committing them under pressure being more so. The logic that goes behind the kid-who-could-not-crack-IIT not being slaughtered by his parents applies equally to the team that happened to screw up on their big day not deserving a furious mob waiting at the airport.

Having pioneered the art of hypocrisy for ages, Indians are accustomed to switching tables at astonishing frequencies. Consider the not-so-curious case of Shikhar Dhawan for instance. The Test series leading up to the World Cup has been harrowing for him much less performance-wise than TRP-wise. He’d have been Trott-zoned by the public opinion on him doing the rounds had he not been an Indian.

He knew he would take off and a single half-century would turn the tables on his public relations. And so it happened once the World Cup began. One month – that’s what it has taken to metamorphose from ‘worst gully cricketer ever’ to ‘best opener in the world currently’. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Indian media for you – one of the few endangered species that believe that a separate #WeWontGiveItBack advertisement for every match maintains the winning streak.

#2 Kohli is a human being

Caption

Sure, Zlatan Ibrahimovic can be a secret ninja, but Virat Kohli is not. Harsh as it may sound, the fact is Kohli belongs to the same race of puny humans as Dwayne Leverock. He has no superpowers and certainly no secret hypnotizing skills as recent rumors proposed. He was not born with the Star on the East and wasn’t blessed by three wise male nurses.

Kohli is undoubtedly turning out into a great cricketer with a cute face and with the promise he has displayed, it is only natural to expect the goods from him on a consistent basis. That he hasn’t failed to deliver throughout the years and has maintained his photogenic stubble is a gift indeed, but it makes him no Divine Messenger.

Of course, watching him drive Dale Steyn through the covers offers sadistic pleasure to a country that had erased ‘victory’ and its synonyms from its dictionary; however, it may be worth remembering that to err is human, and Kohli, on his way to an imminent half-century, erred perhaps to make a point that he is human.

#3 Haranguing Jadeja doesnt motivate him

Caption

Ravindra Jadeja is a tragic hero of incompetence who manages to preserve his place in the team by contributing only when his spot is in grave danger. He has always been a special cricketer – too special to make him improve with cricketing suggestions. Footwork counseling is for the less gifted; Jadeja demands inspiration of a different kind – something one can always trust the overpopulated nation to come up with.

Unfortunately though, the virtual knighthood provided temporary solution. In no time, Jadeja was back to being what he has always been best at being – useless. Fans still continue to try everything – jokes, satirical pieces, memes and offensive humor. Yes, he fell short by 298 runs today, but the elusive triple hundred, they believe, is due sometime soon.

#4 Sachin is no Afridi

Caption

For everything Sachin Tendulkar has been, he can never be a Shahid Afridi. Coming back from retirement not once, but twice is no mean job, and Afridi remains the sole cricketer who could’ve done that. Regardless of how much you muse over Tendulkar’s 2003 heroics and pray for him to do an Afridi, he won’t.

Cut the planchet crap, even the ghost of Sachin Tendulkar would not be able to take the field once again in the boots he had hung up a year ago. Autoselection isn’t an option when you are in Team India mode, unlike Pakistan where a definite shortage of international cricketers is being masked by Afridi’s continual spitting on the ball.

#5 The boys dont have time

1.2 billion people. 3 billion views, each being as different as insect species. Since cricket is nothing less than a religion in the country that, incidentally, takes freedom of speech very seriously, every man – and woman – must have an opinion about the eleven 'chosen ones'. They must judge him, criticize him, mock him and script his premature obituary. Facebook and Twitter were invented with this sole motive, weren’t they?

Some, however, prefer to indulge in more conventional journalistic delights. Be it knighting cricketers on newspaper headlines or meticulously crafting a point-by-point analysis on endless websites about how to triumph matches – it’s mildly funny that the men concerned are hardly ever bothered. Newspapers don’t creep into the dressing room, certainly not during a tournament which demands unwavering focus.

But the best thing about Indian fans is that they are never tired and they never feel insulted. Humiliate them, ignore them, slap them, kick their bottoms – never do they mind. So what the boys aren’t listening? There are miles to go before you sleep, millions of advices to give before the Cup ends.