Humour: 12 reasons why everyone loves Lionel Messi

Life is a cycle. Everything that happens is bound to happen again, though in a different way. Events are repeated in a methodically random way, and every few years, there comes a player who is head and shoulders above the rest.Lionel Messi is – or perhaps was – that player.When the night is at its darkest just before the dawn, when everything feels bitter and the air exudes the stench of hopelessness and fear, the being of a thousand rays – the sun – comes up and dispels the gloom with its magnificent radiance.This is what Lionel Messi has done in the world of football by being a...Note: The article is meant to be a satire and for humour purposes only, so don’t take it seriously. The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not in any way represent the views of Sportskeeda.

#1 Rival to Cristiano Ronaldo

lionel messi Cristiano Ronaldo — Smiles hiding the hatred

Starting off in unorthodox fashion, being a rival to Cristiano Ronaldo is an honour in itself for the Argentine – as well as for the Portuguese.

Ronaldo is a great player, but he is not the ideal man to be the face of FIFA. He is not someone you would want your kids to follow. He uses a lot of hair gel, has had many relationships, is extremely arrogant, play-acts, snatches candies from kids, pays his taxes on time, doesn’t drink alcohol, and does several more disagreeable things (in fact, here are 12 reasons to hate him).

And when the Portuguese had just stamped his authority by winning his first Ballon d’Or in the year 2008, Messi interrupted his run the very next year to take over the position of the main man of FIFA.

Right now, the football world is threatened again with the rise of Cristiano Ronaldo and only Messi can be the saviour – the perfect person to be the face of FIFA, as he has an...

#2 Innocent face

When you look at the face of Lionel Messi, you would definitely get the impression that he has a simple personality – that he is someone who doesn’t really care about looking fashionable and hence wears a polka-dotted suit to a Ballon d’Or gala.

His face oozes unwavering innocence, the kind that could illuminate the dark hearts of people like Joey Barton and Mario Balotelli. Rumour has it that sinners go to Messi to confess their crimes; by merely looking at his face, their sins get absolved.

Since this is a discussion on Messi, Ronaldo has to be brought up too, because the two are as inseparable as peanut butter and jelly. While the Barca forward’s face is the definition of picture-perfect virtuousness, the former United man’s face is like a book teaching 101 ways to be arrogant.

People feel inclined to worship Messi when they see his face, but when it comes to Ronaldo, they feel like punching it inside out. It is actually not the Portuguese’s face alone that gets the better of many people’s tempers; it is also his gel-bathed hair that does the trick.

But with Messi that isn’t the case, because he has a...

#3 Simple hairstyle

Lionel Messi burst on to the scene with long and unruly hair. When he ran with the ball at his feet, taking out defender after defender, his silky hair flowed freely with the wind – revealing the personality of a free man, with a heart that had no boundaries.

On the other hand, his main rival’s hair is as rigid as the mentality of people in socially backward countries.

Right now, Messi sports a simple hairdo – short hair with no hair gel on it. After all, he is not someone who loves himself to an extent where he would spend hour after hour to make his hair look like the teeth of the tooth fairy. Shiny as it gets. And, yes, I’m looking at you, Ronaldo.

Messi’s hairdo shows his...

#4 Humility

The Argentine is not someone who would say, “People hate me because I am rich, handsome and a great player,” because there are very few who actually hate him and even if they did, he is too humble to make an egotistic remark like that.

With the natural talent he has and given the way he uses it to its maximum, he could hunt the close-to-being-extinct giant pandas and still get away with it. However, since he is not a threat like some other footballers are, he would never think of doing something like that.

In fact, Messi doesn’t even attempt to take credit for the things he does at Barca – like scoring a lot of goals and winning them a lot of games, telling the manager to not sub him off, also telling the manager where to play him, refusing to train with the team because of a bust-up with the manager, and so on.

He also doesn’t pay taxes on time because of his extreme humility, as paying to the government – which could be corrupt – is a waste of money. Why pay taxes when that money could be used to donate to the needy?

Being humble is a very difficult thing for someone of the stature of Lionel Messi, but he is someone who has this quality. He has kept his senses under check and is very...

#5 Mild-tempered

No one has ever seen the former Newell Old Boys’ child lose his temper. Ever. (However, there are some evil people who created a three-minute CGI video of Messi’s ‘fights’ and uploaded it on YouTube. Do not believe it. It is fake).

To put things into perspective, Messi is so calm that he found inner peace before Kung Fu Panda’s master Shifu. Remember Shifu?

Chuck Norris and Rajnikant lose their ability of wrath-induced-awesomeness when they just look at a picture of his. Even a badass like Gennaro Gattuso acts like a tamed puppy under the influence of this man. These are just a few examples.

There are some players who love kicking and punching opponent players – and get only a two-game ban for it because they play for powerful teams – without any kind of provocation. Messi, however, is so serene that even criminals become preachers of the path of righteousness after a counselling session with him. That includes Luis Suarez.

This quality of his is the reason for his stable married life as it helps him be a...

#6 One-relationship man

While some footballers have had more than 25 girlfriends in a span shorter than the time it takes for Rakhi Sawant to throw a tantrum, Lionel Messi has been with Antonella Rocuzzo for a long time now.

She has been the first and only girl in his life and given his personality, it looks like it is going to stay that way.

Money, alcohol and girls – footballers can get these things in abundance and let them ruin their lives. However, the Argentine has kept in check the third factor – girls – and has made sure that he inspires people into believing that true love actually exists.

In this regard, he is 100% loyal and faithful, just as he is...

#7 Loyal to Barcelona

Finding players that are 100% loyal to the club they play for is harder than convincing Gareth Bale that his hairstyle is like a bird’s nest that wasn’t built with painstaking diligence.

However, Messi is one of those rare gems that has stuck to Barca despite being accused of not being a great player because he hasn’t played in a different league.

Almost every year, he is seen asking for a new contract with higher wages so that he can extend his stay with the club. A look at the number of extensions in the past few years will give one an idea of his loyalty.

Some people misinterpret the raises that he frequently receives as an example of him being a money lover, but a deeper look at it will make them respect him even more: he does it so that Barca pay him a lot of money, which in turn would allow him to support his family better and also save Barca – and himself – from being the subject of rumours that link him with other clubs.

If he wasn’t paid a huge sum of money, there would have been reports every week claiming that some random oil-rich club is willing to increase his wages and that he is looking to move there. So Messi makes sure Barca give him the maximum possible wages to avoid being linked to other clubs, even if only in the papers.

This fierce loyalty to the club is what has made him a...

#8 Great player

Is there anything to say in this regard? Just a quick look at his stats would reveal that he is more than just a human – he is God’s incarnation as a football player.

Messi might not be on the top right now as that place is occupied by the incarnation of Lucifer, but that’s just his divine strategy – he wants people to suffer while witnessing the Lucifer’s portion on top so that they realize the true value of good.

After all, you can’t understand the value of good until bad befalls you.

It is only a matter of time before Messi takes back his rightful place. Even though he is not at his best right now, he still ahead of the rest and he scores – and assists – goals on a more consistent basis than Antonio Cassano sleeps with women.

And they are not impure, fake goals from penalties. In fact, he purposely misses penalties as scoring from them is insulting to him and the goalkeeper – and he respects both himself and his opponent.

One doesn’t have to even look at him play to know how good he is; a simple look at his trophy case and you will see...

#9 Four Ballon dOrs

No one has ever seen Sir Alex Ferguson without chewing gum. No one has ever seen Cristiano Ronaldo with facial hair. No one has ever seen Wayne Rooney without a receding hairline. No one has ever seen a charitable smile on Pepe’s face. No one has ever seen Carlo Ancelotti without his left-eyebrow raised higher than the Petronas Twin Towers.

And no one has ever seen a player – apart from Messi – win four Ballon d’Ors, let alone consecutively.

When he was on the rise, there was not a single mortal that could get in his way. Ronaldo tried. And failed. Again. And again. And again. Four times. No matter how good anyone played, he just seemed to outdo them in every aspect.

There was one year – the year of Wesley Sneijder – when some fans voiced their discontent at the Argentine winning the trophy. They made accusations (which were completely false, by the way) that he only he won the award because he...

#10 Plays for Barcelona

Football Club de Barcelona are the holy messiahs of modern football – or, perhaps, of all time.

When other clubs were preaching and spreading the disease of anti-football, when filth-coated mist shrouded the light of The Beautiful Game, Pep Guardiola’s Barca ousted those disbelievers and once again restored the sparkle of what football should be in its ideal form.

And it was Messi that was the Sirius among that bunch of stars. He shone the brightest; it was on his shoulders that that excellent generation rode and won a great many things.

The fact that he was the best player of the best club team of this generation says everything one needs to know about him. Barca were beautiful, like the eyes of Melanie Laurent – and he was the pupil.

One might argue that Xavi Hernandez, Sergio Busquets, Dani Alves and Andres Iniesta deserve equal credit for that team as they assisted Lionel Messi in the most glorious ways possible. However, it’s actually the opposite – Messi made them look good.

The only time they – Xavi, to be specific – assisted him was when he was drunk after a night of...

#11 Hard partying

messi party — Party rhymes with Messi.. well it does to me, you hater!

Now he’s not your boring work-to-home guy – he also knows how to party and do it respectfully, so that kids learn from him.

While his main rival Ronaldo is a boring athlete who does nothing apart from train, sleep, use hair gel and pose in his underwear, Messi knows how to entertain himself after entertaining his fans.

If he is in Argentina and there is a rave party going on, chances are that he would be there before anyone else, and he would also be the last one to leave. And of course, he wouldn’t be there alone. In fact, he is the guy you would want to contact if you want to get in.

When the Milito brothers threw one of these parties, Messi went there and gave nerds like Ronaldo – who doesn’t even drink – a lesson on how to live life to the fullest.

Additionally, he was once pictured so drunk that he had to be assisted by Xavi to walk out of the party zone. He also appears to have the most fun in Barca’s drunken celebrations.

A great player, human and fun-lover; he can be all of these at once because...

#12 He is Lionel Messi

If Lionel Messi kills puppies, it is because he doesn’t want to see them suffer in this cruel world. If Lionel Messi keeps driving despite the traffic signal light being red, it is because he doesn’t want to hurt the portion of the road on which the car would be stopped.

If Lionel Messi broke into someone’s house and stole their possessions, it is because he wanted to grace that family by setting his divine feet in their home. If Lionel Messi sniffed cocaine, it is because he wanted those poor farmers in Colombia to earn more money to feed their families.

Basically, whatever he does, there is always something good attached to it. Always.