Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction.
As a wrestling fan (I am not really an MMA fan), I’m used to Raw and Smackdown erupting with C.M. Punk chants long after his departure from the company. I do watch the occasional UFC pay-per-view when a big star is involved. When I heard about C.M. Punk entering the octagon to face Mickey Gall, I was intrigued and of course, rooting for the guy.
I couldn’t watch the fight live, because of prior commitments, and received messages such as – ‘Epic Fail. He lasted 2 minutes, and couldn’t get a punch in’, ‘Heart of a lion, heart of a champion...he’s living his dreams and lives to fight another day’, ‘LOL Punk got clobbered’, et al.
Nobody understands the concept of entertainment in sports, quite like Punk does, as was aptly demonstrated by his unwillingness to shake Mickey Gall’s hand at the weigh-ins. And when I was asked to do a parody/satire piece on ‘5 Alternative Careers for C.M. Punk After his UFC 203 Loss’, I jumped at the chance.
This is not meant to disrespect this amazing athlete. It’s meant to do what Punk himself does best- entertain you guys. So read on, and laugh on.
#5 Jobbing for Braun Strowman
Recently, Raw has been hard to watch. It often becomes tiresome, boring and lazy over 3 hours. But one of the highlights every week is meeting a new jobber who gets squashed by Braun Strowman in a matter of minutes. Much like C.M. Punk was at Mickey Gall’s hands. Hey, and in this case, he does not legitimately have to even get hurt.
Plus, it looks more believable losing to a certified monster as opposed to Gall, who looks like he’d not make the lower weight cut for the Cruiserweight Classic. So what does he do after he gets beaten by Strowman? Well, there’s always Nia Jax. We hear Bo Dallas is squashing jobbers too. There’s a sea of opportunities in WWE if Punk returns as a jobber.
#4 Returning as Broken C.M. Punk
People who follow TNA know of Matt Hardy’s ‘Broken Matt’ gimmick. Matt fell from a great height in his match against Jeff Hardy, and as a consequence became ‘broken’. He has a white streak in his hair, talks in a funny voice and speaks about deleting his opponents.
I believe Broken C.M. Punk would be a great gimmick for Punk. Certainly better than the Wyatt-New Day segment. A.J. Styles could play Reby Sky, and Vanguard 1 can exact revenge on Brother Nero Mickey Gall. After all both Matt Hardy and C.M. Punk do have something in common. Both of them really hate Meekmahan with all their heart.
#3 Helping troubled insomnia patients
Hey, C.M. Punk will go down in history as one of the greatest wrestlers who ever lived, even if he never returns to WWE. And despite the heart he showed, Punk isn’t nearly as good in the octagon. We recommend that Punk do what he does best with those who need him. Make them go to sleep.
And hey, if he doesn’t know how to, considering it’s a new career path and all...he can just do what Gall did to him. After all, Mickey Gall did make Punk go to sleep, considering he lay on his back for the whole fight. A lucrative career path, and a service to society...all rolled into one.
#2 Becoming Mickey Gall’s Manager
In my uneducated eyes, the promo C.M. Punk cut after his fight made him look like a bigger star than your vanilla babyface Mickey Gall. As a former Paul Heyman guy, nobody understands the role of a manager better than C.M. Punk. And to be a big star, Gall will need to develop a character.
We suggest that C.M. Punk drop a pipe bomb on Dana White next. And start managing Mickey Gall in the process. Imagine Mickey’s next UFC fight starting with – ‘My name is Phil Brooks and I am the advocate for Mickey Gall’.
#1 Appearing in the next season of 'Dancing With the Stars’
The one thing we learned from Punk’s recent fiasco at UFC 203 is that all said and done, he's a fantastic reality TV show star. So why should it stop with the mini-series? We believe he should go on to do bigger and better things, such as appear on the next seasons of ‘Survivor’, ‘America's Got Talent’ and ‘Dancing with the Stars’.
Maybe he could even try his luck with ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’.
Or he could just come back to the WWE. That’ll be awesome.
