An open letter to the Doctor of Thuganomics, John Cena
Tell us the truth, champ.
First off, thanks for taking the time to read this – we know you’re busy pretending to be Superman courtesy of your dozens upon dozens of media appearances (seriously, we don’t know how you’re still breathing at this point). The purpose of this letter isn’t to put pressure on you or force you into a corner because that’s not what we’re about. Just take a seat, pour yourself a nice chai latte and kick off your Never Give Up slippers.
Ready? Good. We recently went back and watched several of your promos and best moments from your Doctor of Thuganomics days, and first off, we’d like to know whether or not your degree is a bulletproof certification from an academic school of learning. If so, there are a couple of guys in the office who are in the advanced stages of following in your footsteps. It’s not pretty, but you know, whatever makes them happy.
Second of all, we’re curious as to why you decided to hang up the Marky Mark-esque persona in the first place. Obviously, some people felt it was getting a little bit stale, but we don’t think it’s out of the realms of possibility to believe that this wasn’t a voluntary decision on your part. This is a safe environment, John – and peer pressure is no laughing matter.
Did Mark Carrano threaten to cut your pay? Or did Michael Hayes threaten to steal all of your oversized jerseys? Whatever the case may be we’re here for you because there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that moving into Mr Hustle Loyalty & Respect was something you considered to be a good idea. It’s just not fathomable.
When you were running the figurative streets with that chain around your neck, you were the king of the world. Fans cheered you, the media cheered you, and damn it even newborn babies came out of the womb muttering the words “so, you think you’re untouchable”. The wrestling industry was your oyster, and you had the chance to change the way we all viewed this form of entertainment that we all know and love.
To a degree, you’ve already done that, but at the same time just think how much potential there was for you to bounce back and forth between the face and heel alignments that can either hinder careers or make them.
The Doctor of Thuganomics thing was so hip and so different that there was a whole new realm of casual fans being drawn back to the product, and that’s something that only a handful of Superstars can pull off. Now we aren’t going to suggest that it was your original persona that led you on the path towards greatness on the levels of Stone Cold and Hulk Hogan; we’re just going to heavily imply it.
John, my man, my home slice, try to see things from a clearer perspective here. Sure things are all fine and hunky dory and the last decade or so has worked out pretty well for you, but it’s never too late to change. It’s never too late to revert to that man that put you on the map in the first place, even if it’s just for one night.
Oh, and that farce that took place during the build up to the Rock match doesn’t count. Sure it was alright, but come on, we all know you can push for more time than that. The supposed Great One was given about an hour for his performance, and you got what, 10 to 15 minutes? Blasphemy!
We don’t really care if Nikki is into it or not, either. Sorry to be blunt but that woman gets to ride Cena’s Space Mountain every single night, so she’s had her fun. Hell, while we’re on the topic, can we just launch an enquiry into why you haven’t done an old school rap about her yet? You may not be in the gimmick anymore, but we’ve seen that God awful Bellas YouTube channel, and it could use some semi-offensive rhymes about the Fearless One.
You’ve just got such a great legacy when it comes to old school Cena, and it deserves to be built upon. If you need a reminder, then just open your ears and listen: “Carlito, you ain’t cool, you’re some Chia Pet puss, and instead of spitting out apples, you should be choking on deez n**s”.
In the modern age that’s about as close to Shakespeare as you can get without literally invading his Stratford-upon-Avon home. That’s the reputation that you created, John, and while the last 10 years have seen you involved in many five-star matches, there’s always been something missing.
We thank you for everything you’ve done for this business, and that’s the honest truth. Now pull your finger out, throw an old school jersey on and battle rap to your heart’s content once more.
Send us news tips at email@example.com