Hey Ozzie, I’ve got something I’d like to run by you before you officially become the new face of the Miami Marlins. You know that headcase pitcher who is no longer welcomed on Chicago’s north side? Yea, your boy the mental midget who is due $18 million next season in the last year of his still idiotic deal. How would you like to bring whatever talent he has left to South Beach with you?
I know your new meddling owner Jeffery Loria likes the big splash, and your presence with a new stadium should provide one of the worst sports towns in the country a boost. However, those shallow coke heads in Miami need players who have a personality. Logan Morrison fits that bill, but you need more. Trust me on this, bro. If you want Miami to become a baseball town, you’ll need Zambrano to bring in the casual club goers.
Since you are the shoulder for the immature baby to cry on, I am fully confident that you can rehabilitate Zambrano’s shattered ego and help him regain his ’07 form. What, you think he can’t throw a fastball over 93 mph anymore? Don’t worry about that, he just needs the warm weather of Florida to loosen up his washed up arm err I mean still useful arm. Believe me, you need this guy. I promise you, he won’t feel the pressure in Miami that he felt in Chicago. The “fans” down there will embrace him and his throw my back out home run swing.
Plus, the Cubs will be willing to eat to a good portion of that $18 million the overgrown baby is due next season. Just think how motivated Z will be to prove you were right in bringing him with you to South Beach. Also, he will be playing for a new contract, and that alone will be worth the price of whatever minor league prospect the Cubs will want in return.
So as you enjoy your new several weeks in the Marlins honeymoon hotel, give some serious thought to using your new found power to convince Loria, President David Sampson, & GM Larry Beinfest that Zambrano will be the right move. You can win big next year with a focused and motivated Carlos Zambrano. In the immortal words of Jake “The Snake” Roberts…..Trust me.
Published with permission from Louie.