SATIRE: 10 ways to 'choke' in a cricket match

Read more: Allan Donald,

Australia celebrate

South Africa’s choking habit has contributed to framing these pointers for perfecting the art

The three major skills involved in the game of  cricket include batting, bowling and fielding. But there is an underestimated aspect of cricket which is achieved by a combination of several factors. It’s a skill which cannot be mastered by a faint-hearted person. It is a technique achieved through consistent practice and a rush of blood at the topmost level of cricket.

Yes, you guessed it right, it is the C-word that I am talking about. That brings us to the question: what does it mean to ‘choke’ in a cricket match?

Well, it can be defined as a situation when say a noted commentator (Harsha Bhogle, not Rameez Raja) would describe the loss of a wicket for the team while chasing or a six hit by the opposition as “Has this come too late?” and then realize that it actually wasn’t the case.

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So, here are some of the ways in which you can achieve this skill:

1. Have the best bowler, fielder and batsman in your team, win every group match you play and then forget to turn-up when you play the knock-out matches.

2. Play the best cricketing shots in the book, only to remember how good and efficient the scoop shot is?

3. Have the best athletes in your team but forget to run between the wickets.

4.  Hire Allan Donald as your coach or part of your support staff. This guy is a Nobel Laureate in the exquisite art of choking. [Don't believe me ask Lance Klusener]

5.  Spend days learning the Duckworth-Lewis method and then during the match forget to add 1.

6.  Send Yuvraj Singh in to bat, allow him to score at less than run-a-ball and then defend his strike rate on the basis of the 6 sixes that he had hit against Stuart Broad.

7. If you are defending a target, ask Ashish Nehra and Ashok Dinda  to bowl the last 5 overs. I am not quite sure if this is ‘choking’ or ‘Harakiri.’

8. If your opponent calls N. Srinivasan, you have no option but to give in to the pressure or else you would be alienated from cricket. Such teams are referred to as ‘Choking enthusiasts.’

9. Turn up to bowl to Sir Jadeja, get him caught and still end up ‘choking.’  #Magicalpowersofsirjadeja

10. Lastly, watch a  video of Alok Nath doing a ‘Kanyadaan’, the excess ‘Sanskaar’ is bound to make you ‘choke.’

Disclaimer – This article does not intend to suggest that these are ‘foolproof’ ways of choking. Author is not to be blamed for ending up winning the match despite following the instructions!

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Adnan Akhtar
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