Satire: BCCI introduces more measures to appeal to TV audiences

Srinivasan explaining his logic: "Imagine the fortune we’ll make selling off the space to advertisers and real estate agents."

Are you a real man, who prefers to brave the heat, poor security measures, impossible access to tickets (even for a stadium emptier than a beer bottle in Jesse Ryder’s vicinity), questionable hygiene conditions and the preponderance of rowdies – to soak up the real atmosphere of cricket, leaving everything else behind?

Or are you the cowardly, lazy sort who just prefers to sit and home in your nice little air-conditioned room, sipping your precious wine, and just lolling back on your bean bag, switching on your precious 42” LED telly and watch the game with the luxuries of replays, expert commentary, statistics (all of which make you apply your own brain less – the Google-homework argument) and of course, easy access to a urinal, leading to a complacent bladder?

Well, if you fall in the latter camp, things are looking up for you. The BCCI, accused of treating spectators like cattle, prisoners and worst of all, Mumbai local train passengers, has finally decided to do something about it.

“Dudes, we really don’t need the money”, said N. Srinivasan, the President of the BCCI, in a press address. “I mean, gate receipts for an ODI don’t even contribute enough for our weekly buffet. Haha! The last time we had the motivation to do something about the stadia were when we thought we needed to add an extra course, but since then, it’s a rrrreally low ROI thing for us, y’know?”

“That is not to say we don’t care about the cricket paying, er, watching public!”, he carried on. “We plan to introduce a series of revolutionary changes to the game that will enhance spectator interest. By spectator, of course, we mean the television viewing audience.”

And what are these changes, you ask? “I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised”, said Srinivasan with a wink, before stepping onto a stage with a black turtleneck and switching on a presentation.

After some graphs showing how TV audiences are increasing due to ease of access and comfort, Srinivasan said the BCCI’s future strategy is to cater to this audience. In fact, he presented a 5 year roadmap in which audiences will be ‘phased out’ from grounds totally.

“But sir… The appalling condition of the stadiums is your own fault”, piped a journalist.

“SILENCE! We’re the richest board in the world so we’re obviously doing something right. If your South African grounds are so ‘comfortable’ why didn’t we see an IPL there, eh?”, Srinivasan thundered, using poor logic and excellent diction to mask incompetence, immediately spiking interest among HR consultants.

Among the many changes we’re likely to see over the next few months include a ‘cheer track’. This of course, is based on television sitcoms’ notion of a laugh track. Studies show that TV viewers don’t really care about the people in the stadiums, they just think the noise creates atmosphere. “Hence, we’ll have a constant ‘buzz’ during the matches. There will be cheers as boundaries are hit, wickets are taken and milestones are reached. In a year, we’ll even have an option for a user to choose a home or away cheering option. So we can watch a match that our team’s playing in Barbados or Manchester, but the atmosphere will be just like it’s in Delhi or Kolkata. With the obvious exception of Sydney, where they’ll cheer for Laxman, no? Hehe”. This idea created quite a stir among traditionalists, particularly commentators who held an emergency meeting to create new clichés to replace ‘… and into the crowd’ and ‘they’re on their feet’.

There are also plans to eradicate seating arrangements altogether. “An empty stadium never looks good. Plus, imagine the fortune we’ll make selling off the space to advertisers and real estate agents. Infact, the prime area which the Wankhede seating area is located will be turned into a circular block of flats around the pitch. Bet those guys won’t have a problem if a cricket ball comes crashing through their window, eh? Especially if Sachin Tendulkar knocks on their door saying “Hi… Sorry but can we have our ball back? Hahaha!””, said Srinivasan, positively jumping in glee.

While there are mixed reactions by the cricketing fraternity to the news, ex-India batsman (now retired) Vinod Kambli was the most vocal of the lot. “If only the buggers had introduced this back in 1996, we might have won the friggin’ World Cup”, he said.