Satire: A military boot camp is what Arsenal need to get back on track

Arsene Wenger and his players need a boot camp to figure it out

Lazy, lackadaisical, lethargic – one could almost compile a thesaurus trying to describe Arsenal’s performances through the first two months of this season. Let us look at a few lowlights that have replayed themselves with obsessive-compulsive regularity.

Wilshere letting the ball get a bit ahead of him and then lunging to stave off a challenge, sometimes lucky enough to get a whistle, but always risking unnecessary injury. Ozil being pushed off the ball with the mere hint of a challenge, with the referee rightly ignoring his call for a foul. Arteta casually waving Koscielny on to get a ball that is a few feet from him. Szczesny dallying too long on a back pass and almost embarrassing himself.

It was getting so bad, you could actually anticipate these scenes unfolding like train wrecks in slow motion. Sometimes, it seemed like the only Gunners moving around on the field were the new ones – Sanchez, Chambers and Welbeck. It made me think, what these guys need is a boot camp to break out of their bad habits. Get one of those drill sergeants from the SAS – the real one, not the Merseyside variety – and let him loose on the Gunners squad.

If nothing else, they will be hating life and some of that may go against their opponents. Here is my wish list of behavior modifications for various team members. A couple of laps with a fully loaded SAS backpack and a hundred of the best (push-ups) for each infraction, perhaps?

Szczesny – Clear the ball before the opponent gets within two yards of you.

Mertesacker – Ok, not even a drill sergeant can make him any faster. Perhaps we will just hope the team doctor can discreetly implant a jet pack in his legs.

Chambers – A paid holiday in Scotland during the off-season. I hear they have worked wonders with sheep and Lord knows we could use more of him. Indeed, straight from the Gaffer himself, he wants Chambers playing in just about every position on the field.

Wilshere – Keep the ball within your control at all times and don’t pout each time you get knocked down. For God’s sake, you’ve got tattoos all over your arms, so stop being such a girlie-man.

Arteta – Thou shalt not wave a teammate on to the ball. Also, he will be put on a strict diet to be administered by Victor Conte of BALCO. Every night he will be stretched on a rack, the medieval variety. The day before every game, he will dress up in the highest heeled cowboy boots, don a Patrick Viera mask and go around scaring schoolgirls all over North London. (We have to be realistic and start with some easy targets). Sounds harsh, but that seems to be the only way we are going to get that big, strong midfield enforcer everyone (except Wenger) knows we desperately need.

Ozil – You will not budge an inch while the drill sergeant shoves you and you will pop him one when he casts aspersions on your mother’s character.

Diaby – Ok, I wish he gets the same news I am waiting for --- word from our respective accountants that there is enough in the kitty for us to hang up our boots.

Welbeck – Every shot will be in the frame. (Did anyone see that hat trick against Galatasaray? Every shot from him was on target that day, unlike just about all the other games. The commentator picked on him for one that was saved by the keeper and it was all I could do to not reach into my TV set and slap him upside the head. Welbeck does everything else right, but his problem over the years has been in shooting off target).

Podolski – Ditto, except let us be realistic and start with the broadside of the barn he kept missing in that You Tube video. If you haven’t seen it, you really must. It had Mertesacker, Arteta and Podolski acting out some of the unflattering comments about them – Mertesacker showing he can reverse direction faster than milk going bad; Arteta showing he can hit a better PK than anyone’s grandma. Alas, poor Poldi kept missing the broadside of the barn!

Steve Bould – Zone out.

Wenger – Follow that shove with a well-placed right cross!!!