A Letter to Mario Balloteli from other supporters

Dear Mario,

Congratulations on your electric start to life at Anfield. It has made us all delighted to witness you come one goal away from equaling Richard Dunne’s goal tally for Liverpool this season. Truly spectacular!

Replacing Luis Suarez was always going to be a difficult task, but I believe you’ve set yourself off in fantastic fashion.

The game vs Queens Park Rangers was a perfect example at your evolution that has taken place at Anfield. Even though you were not on the score sheet, without your presence I doubt Liverpool would have come out victorious. Your open goal miss was skillfully executed; I don’t know how many strikers in world football could do that bar one man currently playing for VFL Wolfsburg. However I have heard that he has achieved god status in some parts of the world so it is best to leave comparisons aside.

With the 148th best shooting accuracy in the premier league, you have the opposing goalkeepers soiling their trousers with fear that someday you might release that ferocious shot at goal, and not on some unsuspecting supporter in row z. At least you are using your height to your advantage. At a little over 6 feet winning 16.7% of aerial duels is more than commendable. Sergio Aguero, who is considerably shorter, has won 50% of his aerial duels, but there is something in the water that they drink at Manchester City.

I believe the Italian Football Federation is conspiring against you. The fact that they have selected Graziono Pelle over you for the squad is nothing short of heresy. Pelle’s goal scoring record is mediocre at best, nothing on yours obviously.

That aside, I want to take this opportunity to praise you on your attitude on the field. Covering every blade of grace, being unselfish for your fellow teammates to shine and exuding confidence on the field. Move over Steven Gerrard, I think Anfield has found its new captain.

However much I like your newfound sense of responsibility, I do miss the tantrum-throwing, firecracker-bursting Balloteli. I still believe there is more madness to be brought to Merseyside, something that has been missing in your terrific all- round game.

May I make a few suggestions?

Please lobby to relieve Gerrard of his penalty and free kick taking duties. He is average at best, dispatching them with little to no pizzazz. Where’s the stutter? Where is the folded arm ‘I am the best’ celebration? Even with free kicks, its time you impose yourself on the old timer and take over duty. From 20 yards, to 50 yards, the dead-ball should be commanded by only one man. Oh and corners too.

Considering that you have committed more fouls than you have won, you are yet to be sent off for Liverpool, which I find is an absolute scandal. It was one of the features of your game that separated you from the ordinary bunch. Please get the mean streak back, and fly in with two feet and studs up at an opponent who has just dispossessed you. This should ideally happen when Liverpool are a goal down and desperately need some inspiration. A good starting point would be against Spanish minnows Real Madrid tonight, so don’t disappoint us!

Also, fans in India will soon be celebrating the festival of lights known as Diwali very soon. We do this by bursting firecrackers, something you used to do in your prime. To commemorate this occasion may I suggest you let some off in a team mates house/garden? It will make great news, and when questioned by Rodgers, you have an explanation ready!

I find the endless criticisms directed at you by pundits and Liverpool fans unnecessary, because, football-wise, your on-field performances have been world class. I just believe that, for the betterment of the football community, you need that streak of madness back, to keep us all entertained.

Yours truly,

A LADotelli Fan

Note: This is a satire piece which has been written only for the purpose of humour and is not suppossed