Dear all,
First of all, congrats to Italy for beating us and reaching the quarter-finals of the UEFA Euro 2016. Antonio Conte has done a fabulous job in weaving a good team with a bunch of average players like how auto-tune turns every Tom, Dick and Harry into world class singers.
The reason I am writing this letter is to explain why Spain lost against Italy while playing football in the most uncharacteristic of fashions.
The other day I was video-chatting with my daughter and her little one peed and pooped all over her. Obviously, I went all “ewww…” after witnessing that. My daughter, then, said something to me in jest that actually shuddered me beyond the realms of solace that I always keep myself in.
As she was cleaning my grandson, she gave me a smirk and said, “what are you ewwwing at, dad? You are going to have to touch Joachim Low’s hand in a few days if you win against Italy.”
I snapped. Zoned out. The thought of shaking hands with Joachim Low made me shiver to the point that the call of nature instantly hit me and I had to go to the toilet to answer it.
And that’s where I made a plan.
If you paid a little attention, you would have noticed how dire Spain were in the opening minutes. We conceded possession too easily, were putting even Stoke City to shame with our unloading tactics and were basically running around like a bunch of headless chickens.
The reason for that is quite simple: I gave them a team-talk that scarred them mentally.
I told them: “Guys, lose this and we will still be the legendary generation that won Spain so many trophies. Win this and you will have to shake hands with Joachim Low. Those hands have seen and been in places where the Sun never shines.
“Lose and you will still be the golden generation. Win and you will be scarred for life.”
And that was it. The players clearly made up their mind: they would sacrifice touching the Euro trophy if it meant that they would have to go anywhere near Joachim Low in order to do so. We have already done that too many times for our liking, but back then his area of expertise was confined only to his nose and not the private parts.
We bow out of the tournament with our heads hung down, but at least we are not coated with the bacteria from Joachim Low’s private parts – that alone is a bigger achievement than retaining the Euro.
Good luck to Italy – especially Antonio Conte – I know you will need it because no matter how much of a master tactician you are, you can’t save yourself from Low’s hands.
Sincerely,
The man who knows not what facial expressions are.
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and is meant for humour only. It is not intended to be derisive to anyone.
