Our cricket wishlist for 2013 (Part One)

We all like cricket. It’s quite unlikely, given that premise, that we’re going to stop watching it. Our team can try everything they like – get hammered in away tests, get mauled at home tests, finally get Sachin to retire – but that’s not going to change the average Indian cricket fan from turning up in droves to stadiums, or switch their TVs on when there’s a game on.

Still, there are some things about our lovely game that we’d like to change. You know, especially from an Indian perspective. So here’s my wishlist for Indian cricket in 2013.

1. For goodness sakes, better IPL team names: The worst part about getting into arguments with football fans is comparing team names. They have Manchester United, we have (ugh!) Kolkata Knight Riders. They have Arsenal, we have Kings XI Punjab. They have Liverpool, we have Kochi Tusk… Oh wait. Never mind. We need names that people can be proud of saying and yelling. ‘Hyderabad Sun Risers’ was pretty much the wrong way to go about this.

Spare us from ads that give out stalking tips

2. Virat Kohli advertising better products: So here’s the world’s most glamorous young cricketer. Playing a couple of absolutely ephemeral innings against Sri Lanka and Pakistan. The world is at his feet. He could have anything he wanted and asked for. Truly. Instead, he goes and does this:

While terrible graphics and plot are cringe-worthy enough, one fails to understand why the rockstar that Virat is needs to appear so needy and use a line that would probably get him beaten up in Delhi today. Easily one of the worst ads of 2012, and I’m guessing Celkon is looking for a new ad agency. Virat – do us a favour and stick to safer things like colas, chips and apparel.

3. Increasing the number of India’s Test victories More countries in the top flight: It’s no secret. More countries need to play the game to improve. Last heard, the BCCI was actively clamouring for the Test induction of Kenya, Namibia, Netherlands, Ireland, Papua New Guinea, Nicaragua, the Isle of Man and Burkina Faso. In fact, the BCCI has invited all these countries to come and play Test matches in India. (Netherlands are not allowed to get Ryan ten Doeschate or Tom Cooper). Hmm.

4. A 9th IPL team made up of the why-the-hell-was-XXX-not-selected people: Ryan ten Doeschate, Shakib al Hasan, Kevin O’Brien, Eoin Morgan and many more were not selected for any of the IPL games, leading to much consternation among people who knew who these cricketers were. We recommend creating a separate team altogether that will give them a chance to beat and snub their actual team owners. The Critics XI, we can call it.

We want to see this man play in the IPL!

5. BCCI honchos to go on crash diet: When you think of N Srinivasan and Rajiv Shukla, the immediate thought is not that of the largest sports board of the largest democracy in the world. You picture the board of directors of some fast food chain, or a consortium of ‘before’ models for ‘before and after’ advertisements. In order to improve it’s public image, we recommend the BCCI shed some flab (ideally, that would mean eliminating 500 needless people, but let’s stick to weight loss as a compromise).

We’ll be back with Part 2 of this more (and if we drink enough of New Year’s Eve to think up some more, perhaps even a Part 3!)