How to sound like an intelligent football fan during the FIFA World Cup

If you have no clue what happens in the football world cup and you are feeling left out, and you were going to support Manchester United, you should be thanking your stars that you clicked on this article. First of all, like cricket, the football World Cup is also between countries. No, India is not there. So quickly go search for it. You know what? Wait I'll give you the link also – 2014 FIFA World Cup squads.

Go there and find the names of all the countries that have qualified. Learn one big name from each of their squads. If you can pronounce names like Schweinsteiger, then you will already be considered a fan. The best advantage for you this World Cup is that it is during the night. I suggest you sleep right through it. Most football fans will be sleepy early in the morning.

Go and start a conversation with your friend by saying "What a match last night!" In five minutes you would have heard everything that you need to know about the game. They would have described each goal and given you a proper detailed analysis of the game. Just nod and say "Yeah man!!" with the same expressions that your friend talks to you. Then go to other friends and use the same words that this fellow told you.

Voila! You will be a part of their conversations from the next day. Just contain your excitement when you hear names like Rooney, Ronaldo and Messi because they were the only ones you knew before the World Cup. Don't ever get too excited and say "Hey!! I've seen him before." They will catch your bluff. If all goes well, they may invite you to their place to watch the game too.

Do's and Dont's

1) Don't ever ask why the goalkeeper wears a jersey of a different colour.

2) When you don't know what to say, just blame the referees.

3) Always support one team. Don't shamelessly cheer every goal scored. Some of them might be the opponents'.

4) Memorise formations. In conversation with the fans, say random numbers like 4-4-2, 4-5-1 etc. Make up your own formations. (Note: They must add up to 10).

5) Set an alarm for 3:00 am every morning. Wake up and send a text to your friends saying "Dude! Watching?" Go back to sleep after that.

6) This is football. Don't say "Haha! Netherlands suck. They're minnows."

7) When your friends praise any French player, don't hesitate to say "Yes, he played well for Arsenal also."

When you finally get a chance to go over and watch the match with your friends:

8) Try and mug the names of all the injured players from each country. Say: "Wish X was playing" with a sad face. You're bound to win their sympathy. During the post game analysis, say stuff like “I think X’s absence really hurt them.”

9) Always cry foul if your player falls down and always scream "Divers!" whenever the opponents fall.

10) The dude running with a flag along the sidelines is called a Linesman. Don't ever call him Leg umpire!

11) In the off chance that it rains, don't ever mention Duckworth & Lewis.

12) Obviously you have no clue what offside is. Don't crack the "Where is the leg-side then?" joke ever. In case of an offside, kindly follow rule 2.

13) Lastly and most importantly, once the game finishes, don't ever say "At the end of day, football is the real winner."

If all goes well, you will become the life of every football party. You are welcome.

Sometimes you'll meet people who'll wait for you to give them gyaan and say yes to everything they say. It will seem like they know everything that you are talking about. Don't worry. They would have read this article too.

Keep calm and cheer on!

-@donbratman

Credits: My friend Varun Parthasarathy who helped me with some of these points.