Cost Cutting Means New Olympic Sports for 2012

It has just been decided that this year’s long anticipated London Olympics is to be the subject of strict government cuts. The cuts, which have been described as: ‘swift and ‘decisive’, are aimed at providing a fairer chance for more people to participate with less assistance from the State.

Gone are the traditional expensive events such as: running, jumping and walking and in their place athletes are being asked to decide between alternatives, including: biscuit dunking, jam sponge making and sock darning.

Speaking from the heady heights of the podium in Trafalgar Square the Mayor of London, Boris Chiff-Chaff, was quoted as saying: “If we’re bally paying for it, we’re bally winning it.”

Chiff Chaff, a firm believer in things being ‘just so’, had to be helped down from the podium by a man in a dress made entirely of milk bottle tops. The man was later attacked by pigeons before Chiff Chaff’s security guards glared at them in a menacing fashion causing the birds and the helpful milk bottle top man, to fly away.

Without further ado, let me give you a sneak preview of five of the newly proposed British-biased money-saving events that will be vying for our attention over the summer.Tea making

Stolen from Asia and taken for our own, the art of making a good cuppa has long been the preserve of royalty and members of the clergy. However, thanks to a new Liberal-led initiative called ‘tea pots in the community’ anyone aged between 58 and 60 has been invited to try out to represent Britain at this summer’s Olympics.

It’s rumoured that Margaret Fox from Battersea is a shoe-in to captain the Brits although, after breaking her wrist in training, Margaret’s husband, Farquhar Fox, is eagerly waiting in the wings.Being polite

Holding open doors, helping old ladies cross the road and saying sorry even when we’ve been hit on the knee by an errant shopping trolley are what makes this nation great and the politeness event is guaranteed to net us a wholesome catch of golden medals.

There aren’t many entrants that are going to be able to compete on such a high level although the Japanese have a very strong contingent that will no doubt politely push us every step of the way.One to watch: Susan Collingwood in the concealing flatulence event.

Queuing

The best of Britishness and our raison d’etre; queuing is what we’ve been training for since birth. There isn’t a day that’s gone by that a British man or woman hasn’t stood behind someone else and waited for that person to shuffle forward everso slightly so they can do the same.

Unfortunately, the British team have been shrouded in a cloak of disgrace after the captain, Tommy Fitzgibbon, was seen barging at a recent trip to London’s Natural History Museum. Fitzgibbon was quoted as saying: “I slipped.”Weather commentary

What we lack in weather warmth we more than make up for in colourful commentary and from the moment we open the curtains: ‘oh, it’s bright out there,’ to the time we go to bed: ‘it’s a bitter night tonight Maureen,’ discussing, looking at and commentating on the weather is simply, what we do best.

Golden girl, Sandra from High Wycombe, has trained incredibly hard to find the most descriptive and imaginative descriptions and with such an amazing array of awesome adjectives at her disposal, including: muggy, murky and dreary, she has an extremely sunny outlook where medals are concerned. Good luck Sandra.Volunteering for things

Up and down the cobbled high streets of Great Britain you’ll find an abundance of shop assistants, librarians and community activists that are all voluntarily giving up their time for the good of society. However, if you’ve ever been beyond our golden shores you’ll know that for years our citizens have secretly been undertaking volunteer work abroad in readiness for this summer.

The voluntary work event is one of the most eagerly anticipated in the whole of the 2012 Olympic Games and from scout leaders to football coaches; this is Britain’s chance to shine at home after previously being brilliant at work abroad.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, Britain’s hopes for the cheapest and most biased Olympic Games ever rest on a team of two hundred rag-tag amateur athletes.

Who knows how we’ll do but one thing is for certain, with events like: not showing off, making do and trimming hedges, we’re bound to be there or there abouts come August 12th.