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Faking News: Why the Cesc Transfer Saga Remains a Saga

Moc, Moc or Mock, Mock? As you can see, Another Prick In The Wall hasn’t been writing lately. But it isn’t because APTW has been mulling over the possibility of seeing Thong Boy in a Gorilla Snot Hair Gel sponsored Real jersey ala Bimbo sponso...

23 Jul 2011, 12:37 IST

Moc, Moc or Mock, Mock?

As you can see, Another Prick In The Wall hasn’t been writing lately. But it isn’t because APTW has been mulling over the possibility of seeing Thong Boy in a Gorilla Snot Hair Gel sponsored Real jersey ala Bimbo sponsoring Chivas Guadalajara. It’s actually because the blog has been trying to get an exclusive take from the Barcelona authorities on the Cesc transfer saga, which admittedly is not a very difficult thing to do, as they all love to talk about Cesc down in Catalaunya, about how much he wants to return and how much they want him back and how those sods in Arsenal are making the poor guy suffer by not letting him go for free. No, but the blog wanted to know why Barcelona are not ready to spend a shade over 40 million to secure Cesc, when they can spend 37 million for Sanchez, drafting up the prints of the agreement in black and white and saving on color toners.

After a bit of skullduggery on its part, the blog did manage to secure an exclusive interview with Sandro Rossel and Barca’s financial bigwig Javier Faus, no less! So here’s the exclusive:
APTW: What do you want to say about Cesc?
Rossel: Don’t you read “The Sun”? For the record, our players have been misquoted
APTW: But didn’t Xavi quote on your official website that Cesc is suffering at Arsenal?
Rossel: Well our players are friends with each other and can talk about these issues openly
APTW: But Cesc is an Arsenal player under contract, Sir…
Rossel: He has Barcelona DNA and he wore the Barcelona jersey after winning the world cup, didn’t he? Puyol & Pique also took his picture down from the Emirates wall and posed with it, didn’t they? Arsenal knows this and they have no problems with it because they know we have utmost respect for Arsenal, moc moc
APTW: Er…well, but if everyone wants Cesc at Barcelona, don’t you think you should pay Arsenal what they value him at, considering he’s their biggest star?
Rossel: See, this type of two penny journalistic garbage is what I don’t like. No wait, scratch that. I like such two penny journalistic garbage
APTW: Why so?
Rossel: I think you’d better talk with Mr. Javier Faus. He will explain to you what numbnuts like you can never fathom…Oi Faus! Come here!!
Faus: Yes, Mr. Rossel
Rossel: This Prem Face smart ass here wants us to pay Arsenal what they value Cesc at!
Faus: Do you now, son? And why should we pay them what they value Cesc at?
APTW: So that you can secure the services of the player you want, who’s under contract at Arsenal. It’ll be good for all the three parties. Barcelona, because they get the player they want…Arsenal because they will have sold their star for the right kind of compensation…and Cesc because this will put an end to all the uncertainty
At this time, Faus & Rossel looked at each other and sniggered.
APTW:  Am I…Am I missing something here?
Faus: My dear boy. This is why you are a two penny reporter out to make a name for yourself and I handle the finances of such a huge club like Barcelona. We don’t need to sign Cesc really. We can afford to have Arsenal sweat it out and then pay at the price we want to pay. Cesc will not be concerned, he has Barcelona DNA
APTW: But Sir, if you do not want to sign him, you should say so!! People are burning Barcelona jerseys on the streets, if you know, during Arsenal’s tour of China!
Faus (roaring with laughter): Ahh my boy. Let me explain you the financials. Having a disgruntled Cesc is bad for Arsenal, yes?
APTW: Check
Faus: Will they probably lower their asking price once they realize Cesc’s Barcelona DNA is affecting his Arsenal ways?
APTW: Check
Faus: So will we get him for cheap?
APTW: Check
Faus: And you know, that’s not all. If we do sign Cesc, he’s not going to sell as many jerseys as Xavi, Iniesta or Messi do. While the time we let Arsenal sweat it out, we continue talking about Cesc and people will end up burning more Barcelona jerseys. So we’re making money out of jersey sales for Cesc without even signing the player. Another couple of months and we’ll be able to afford the colored toners, don’t you think?
APTW: Check
Rossel: Damn, you shouldn’t have mentioned that, you idiot!
Faus: Oh but I miss the colored toners!
APTW: Thanks for the…
Rossel: You’ll be misquoting Mr. Faus if you print this.
APTW: Like I care…like anyone has cared.
Note: For the uninitiated, this article is a work of Satire.

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