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There are less than 12 hours to go for the match and most madridistas are already sitting in front of their television sets with sweaty palms and chipped nails and some must be seeing this world through a hazy maze of the effects brought about by some good Spanish beer. I’ve been doing the opposite. To deal with all the pressure, I decided to do a lot of research about Barcelona and I also realized that there might be some readers who don’t know anything about Barcelona!
Yes I’m looking at you, the ones who asked “What El Clasico?” with a roll of your eyes. This one is for you. Oh and the others; you can always read this piece. It doesn’t hurt to increase your knowledge by another infinitesimal amount…
The short guide below will tell you everything you know about our rather illustrious rivals. So read on, and if you feel you can contribute more, do hit the comments section and let us know.
The Guide
FC Barcelona – is the name of Catalunya’s biggest and most successful football club. They do not like themselves to be identified as Spanish, but unfortunately, Catalunya is a an autonomous region which is still part of Spain, which means they’ve forever had to carry the indistinction of being Spain’s second largest and second most successful club. This complex leads them to have tremendous self-importance, which is why they’re the self-proclaimed “People’s club” whose fanbase includes distinguished personalities like the Pope himself.
Camp Nou – is the name of FC Barcelona’s football ground. It is a 98,000 seater stadium, which again contributes to FC Barcelona’s self-importance when curiously they use this aspect as a yard stick for judging which club is bigger. This venue has been witness to Spain’s first treble and is also touted by the club’s fans as a symbol of resistance to the Franco regime. However, the venue has been famous for some wondeful acts of missile throwing as well, most notably a swine head, a dagger, a beer bottle and a watch; all aimed at Luis Figo when he played for Real Madrid some years back. You do realize that the fans at Camp Nou didnt mean to be violent towards Figo. It was their suggestion that Figo should take up a Man vs Wild expedition considering the fact that those five items would sustain him in a journey through the wild. Lately though, the fans make do with firing lasers and cat calling with racist undertones at their rivals.
The Camp Nou has unfortunately seen the color toners disappear from the printers in its offices due to heavy cost cutting of late. To bring back the golden era of color toners, the venue is open to hire for grand weddings. So if you’re filthy rich and want to get married, you can consider making a tidy donation to the club and get married in the same stadium where Messi, Xavi, Iniesta et al play week in and week out.
Cules – is the nickname given to Barcelona fans because in early days when the fans used to watch the games, a person standing outside the stadium could see a collection of rows of buttocks stacked over each other. Being asses, the fans expectantly believe themselves to be the best behaved fans around the world and think of themselves as royalty, typified by being holders of the “Poorest Attendance at Away Venue” award. Cules, as a rule, learn to hate Real Madrid first and then start loving Barcelona. The constant stream of propoganda from their club’s various representatives and the PR department ensures that these fans believe that they are holier than everyone else. Due to this peculiar attitude, the fans are also called “Catalooneys” by the Real Madrid faithful.
La Masia – is the youth wing of Barcelona. As expected, it is touted as the best youth infrastructure in the entire world, just as the club is touted as the best club in the world, the players as best in the world and the fans proclaim themselves to be the best in the world. In a dramatic reversal of their earlier policies, the management of Barcelona, led by the erstwhile Sandro Rossel has been contemplating closing the doors of the youth wing to most young people, specially African children, in preference of youth players with the Barcelona DNA (read Barcelona DNA below). Apparently, a study has revealed that the Barcelona DNA is more difficult to inject artificially, hence the people who run La Masia have been taking steps to identify people naturally blessed with this particular strain of DNA.
Barcelona DNA – a curious strain of DNA which is implanted artificially into young players in an underground laboratory in La Masia. Barcelona DNA is the result of the twisted experiments carried out by Cruyff, Rijkaard and others over the years. Josep Guardiola, the current Barcelona coach was the first test subject of this project and has since then ensured that every player from La Masia is injected with this curious strain of DNA. The DNA gives peculiar characteristics to players like automatically getting pushed down to the ground when an opposition player comes close to you, an involuntary flying of hands to one’s face when something hits you in the back, and an heightened ability to talk trash when handed with a mike. Oh and players possessing Barcelona DNA tend to gravitate towards, and seek out others who possess this DNA, via long drawn out moaning interviews. Barcelona DNA also bestows the ability on players to think that their way is the right way and that everything else amounts to anti-football.
Guardiola summed up the essence of Barcelona DNA best when he said, “The player who has passed through La Masia has something different to the rest, it’s a plus that only comes from having competed in a Barcelona shirt from the time you were a child.”
El Clasico – A football match between Real Madrid and FC Barcelona, two of the biggest egomaniacal clubs of the Spanish La Liga, the big 2 so to say, who use their money and status as a non-profit organization (with government backing) to great ill-effect. The ill effects being that the two clubs grow stronger every year while the other teams in the Liga are left way behind in terms of financial strength of the pitch and talent on it. A stream of never ending media bullshit in Spain by the Spanish dailies like Marca, Sport, El Mundo Deportivo, AS, about the two big clubs in Spain means that everyone’s second club is either Real Madrid or Barcelona. This is what makes the match big in Spain; the political backdrop of the regions from where both clubs hail, coupled with the strength of both clubs make this spectacle a global one.
Here I think it’s worth mentioning something about the political backdrop in Spain at this point in the post. You see, Real Madrid are not the most hated only for their success, but also because they’re the “establishment” club, i.e. a club run by the ruling establishment. In the days before democracy, when Spain was under the king’s rule, we were one of the first clubs to have the King’s patronage and sparks flew. After the king (or kings) rolled over in their graves, Franco arrived. Being in Madrid, Real Madrid automatically became Francisco Madrid in the eyes of all those autonomies that he oppressed at the time. The club’s success at the time of Franco’s tenure meant that many colorful stories of legend were born, some saying that Franco and his henchmen would wait in the dugout with guns and threaten Barcelona players to lose. If Franco was asked about it today, I’m very confident that he’d reply, “I was busy censoring, torturing, oppressing and slaughtering the nation to be bothered by fixing matches”. Real Madrid’s success served as a vessel for propoganda, but to think that the Franco regime was actively involved in fixing matches is preposterous. Anyway, it’s these legends that give the match a colorful tone. Some people even go the extent of pointing out Real Madrid’s lack of success post the Franco regime, conveniently ignoring the important fact that Real have won the more or less the same number of trophies as Barcelona since then.
Getting There
If you ever plan on getting to Barcelona, don’t bother doing a whole lot of research. This guide also tells you how to do that.
If you’re young, accompany someone older with you to any part in Spain. Have the older person keep shouting, “The kid with me has Barcelona DNA” to anyone in hearing range. The scouts from Barcelona are everywhere and you’ll end up getting a grand VIP tour of La Masia. If you insult Real Madrid during this tour, you probably stand a chance of earning yourself a tour of Camp Nou as well (with discounted rates, of course).
If you’re old, well you know it by now. Take someone younger with you and keep shouting, “The kid with me has Barcelona DNA” and the rest shall happen.
