Satire: IPL players to now be paid in onions

“What bokwaas!” Sreesanth said retorted when somebody addressed him as a ‘former’ India player

In what can only be called a bizarre move by the IPL organizing committee, pending player payments – erstwhile a dispute between rupees and dollars – will now be done in a very botanical fashion – onions.

“It’s true. Onions are the most precious commodity in the country at the moment,” spoke a member of the IPL committee. “If at one point of time they were willing to accept payment in gold, why not onions?”

“Why kanda they, indeed?”, he quickly turned back and said, not wanting to miss the opportunity for a tear-jerking pun.

As expected, there has been outrage among the player fraternity over the issue. “Onions? The next thing you know, they’ll be throwing tomatoes and water bottles at us as well,” said a Sri Lankan player, which led to Vinod Kambli for some reason crying and running towards the dressing room.

“I cannot wait for the puns that Times of India is going to come up with if more English players start playing the IPL. I mean – Joe Root and Graham Onions will send everyone into a frenzy!” pointed out someone on Twitter. “Not to mention, the tired old jokes of other foodie cricketers – Allan Lamb, Alastair Cook, Ian ‘Beefy’ Botham, Derek Pringle, Russell Tiffin, Michael Beer…” before proceeding to thump someone who was going to make a ‘Onion Uthappa’ joke.

Chris Gayle, notable for playing for any possible T20 team, said that if all countries were to do this, he would eventually have a full salad around the world by the time he came back to Jamaica. This hence became the second worst joke ever cracked by anyone in a Royal Challengers Bangalore jersey, the first still going to Vijay Mallya’s “Don’t worry, Kingfisher staff… You will all be paid!”.

Not all people are too upset about the development.

“Next time I cry on screen, I can say it was because of the onions,” said former India paceman S Sreesanth.

“Hey!” cried S Sreesanth, offended at being referred to as ‘former’ in the previous sentence.

The BCCI, in the meantime, has decided to rename itself to ‘The Onion’ to pay tribute to its many layers. It’s many counterparts around the world, however, prefer it to be renamed ‘garlic’, a tribute to its stench.