Satire: A rendezvous with an Indian cricket pitch

The Indian cricket pitch had some interesting stories to tell

The South African team has arrived in India for a 72-day long tour. We’ve seen interviews with the coaches & the players of both sides as well as the officials ahead of what is going to be an exciting contest, but one of our Sportskeeda reporters has managed an interview with the Indian Cricket Pitch! Let’s see what it has got in store for us.

Reporter: Hey, you’ve been through a long rest. Isn’t it?

Pitch: Yeah. I’ve been preparing myself for the upcoming season. The curators have taken great care of me and now I’m up (not literally) and ready for my first international venture of this season.

Reporter: Speaking of the curators, what would you suggest them ahead of the South African Tour? In what way should they mould you – dry, hard, grassy or damp?

Pitch:(laughs) Surely, I don’t want to be a damp pitch. I don’t like being wet and besides it's difficult scoring runs on a damp pitch. Indian spectators won’t enjoy it. A dry pitch would assist the spinners. I’d suggest them not to make me very dry else our Indian batsmen would be troubled against Mr.Imran Tahir.

I don’t mind grass, but the problem is the South African bowlers would just love it! Eventually, I am going to be the same old Indian pitch which would be hard upfront with a bit of grass underneath and I’d start turning with cracks appearing on me from the 4th day.

Reporter: Over the years, some legends of the game have played on you. Tell us about the experience.

Pitch: Well, I’ll say the pleasure is all mine. Being in the shoes of the ‘GOD’ himself for 24 years was a great feeling. Never quite enjoyed when VVS came on though. He used to tap me plenty of times during a match and I just dreaded the second innings of Indian team when he just played on and on and on and just tapped me and my head would burst!

Raina is another batsman I don’t enjoy much as he slides on me on every possible opportunity of a run-out! He saves his wicket, but my body hurts. I hated the West Indies players! Especially Shivnarine Chanderpaul. I don’t know why for some reason, they need to drill ME with a BAIL before taking their stance. Shiv is the only one who stays there most of the times so I hate him the most! There are others as well, but they don’t stay on me (stay on the pitch i.e.) for a lot of time so that’s fine.

Speaking of bowlers, Ishant Sharma and Zaheer Khan are the biggest troublemakers. I don’t know why they walk on me (walk on the pitch) when it is strictly against the rules!! Don’t they understand the spikes can cause a lot of pain!

Shoaib, Steyn, Morkel, Broad, Lee – all these quickies bang the ball pretty hard on ME so I don’t quite look forward to their bowling. Add Kumble and Afridi to the list! Aaron and Umesh are good boys though and I like them because though they ball short, most of the deliveries are so wayward that they don’t trouble me.

Mongia and Dhoni sometimes irritated too much with their chit chat behind the stumps. I know they did that for boosting the team spirit, but it becomes irritating for me after a while. Nowadays, verbal volleys from Kohli are also common whenever he gets OUT! I mean every single time! Even when it's bowled!

Reporter: Well, that was an elaborate explanation of your woes! I guess we never saw this perspective of the game. With the winter season approaching, there’s always some dew factor in sub-continental conditions. How would that affect you?

Pitch: I’ll take a cue out of the hat of our coloured clothing captain MSD and say that it’s the part and parcel of our game and the way the Indian team plays cricket. It’s difficult to grip the ball and thus scoring becomes much easier for any team batting second in a day-night affair. Thus, toss becomes a crucial factor and I hope MSD’s luck works the way it did previously.

Reporter: With the new ODI rules of two new balls from each end, how does it affect you?

Pitch: Oh, it very well does! No one likes to be subjected to the short pitch stuff from both ends, especially when the ball spits out its venom from the hands of speedsters like Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn. They’re saying Mushkil hai, mazaa aega. I’ll just add Vaat to meri lagegi! Though, I don’t mind the loopy and short balls from Mohit and Stuart though. It’s like a massage for me and I quiet enjoy when they come to bowl.

Reporter: Sorry for asking such a question, but I’ll ask you another tough one. Every pitch outside is considered great and if someone plays well in Australia or England or South Africa, they’re considered world-class. However, the same doesn’t apply if someone plays well here or if he fails here, then the fault is of the curators or yours and you somehow don’t get the due credit. How do you feel about it?

Pitch: (visibly furious now, flames coming out of the pitch!) This I’d call hypocrisy. If playing in swinging/seaming conditions or bouncy tracks is an art, then playing on ME is also one! It’s not an easy task when there is both turn and bounce! I’ll invite the Nasser Hussains and the Ian Chappells of the world to come and play here against the likes of Kumble and Harbhajan, in his prime, I will add and let’s see how much runs they make!

Reporter: Ok-Ok please calm down! The South African team is supposed to be a good touring side. Which is the player you’d be wary of?

Pitch: ABD! I dread him and so I hope the Indian bowlers get him out quickly. I’ve made peace with the fact that players like Dhawan and Kohli who come down the pitch me often enough which was slightly unexpected for me but now I’ve started expecting that they’ll do it once in a while. Rohit-talented-Sharma also does it, if he stays on me for some time that is, but this guy ABD; he’ll walk up, down, left, right, above, below and what not!! He’ll leave me wounded and Team India should prepare well for him for the sake of their beloved pitch!

Reporter: That was an interesting conversation with you Mr.Pitch. What would you say to Team India ahead of this all important tour?

Pitch: I’d say just tone down the aggression a bit, keep a cool head, start practising, work hard (on the practice pitches) and if you win, please DON’T celebrate the way Poms did after they won the 2013 Ashes for the sake of me!!

Disclaimer – This work is purely fictional and not meant to hurt anyone.