Satire: If Jose Mourinho was Manchester United’s manager...

If only he was at Manchester United…

Win or lose, Jose Mourinho is known for his iconic press conferences. That got us wondering: what would have transpired if Jose Mourinho was Manchester United’s manager and his team had succumbed to defeat at the hands of West Bromwich Albion at Old Trafford?

Here’s a transcript of the post-match interview that could have been:

Reporter: Your team lost 2-1 out there; what went wrong?

Jose Mourinho: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My team was fantastic out there. Referee was the one who had a poor match. Maybe, West Brom paid him off. I don’t know. There are conspiracies everywhere. UEFA first, and now Premier League.

Reporter: So it had nothing to do with United’s numerous shots off target and minimal pass completion rate?

Jose Mourinho: That was the plan. To rattle their morale, to win the battle of mind. But they did not play along. They were adamant on scoring goals. I don’t know why. Maybe, they lack mentality of sportsmanship.

Reporter: After successive league defeats, how’s the morale of the team?

Jose Mourinho: When you play against teams that lack sportsman spirit, your morale takes a beating. But we are Manchester United. We have great history. And players know that it was referee’s fault. So yeah, we will put out a team again in the next match.

Reporter: Next up is a Champions League tie…

Jose Mourinho: I know, I am the manager of this club. I know what match is next.

Reporter: Jose, you did not let me complete my question.

Jose Mourinho: You were stating a fact. I know the fact. I know the match. I am the ‘Special Chosen One’.

Reporter: Are you finding it hard to come out of Sir Alex’s shadow here at Old Trafford?

Jose Mourinho: Shadow, as in you mean when he sits in Director’s Box? The shadow that falls from there on me? Yes, that’s annoying but he has done a great job at United. So, sure, we can give him the seat he prefers in the stadium.

Reporter: What do you make of Manchester United’s poor performance in the transfer window this summer?

Jose Mourinho: Ask Ed Woodward. I gave him a list, like grocery. He went to supermarket and came back empty handed. When I shouted at him for his poor job, he ran back to the market and got me one expensive egg with weird hair. I don’t know what to do with it. It is useless.

Reporter: Why is Shinji Kagawa on the fringes of the first team?

Jose Mourinho: It is mainly because of his Twitter account where he calls everyone names; what is it – Evil Kagawa. Who keeps such dark names for themselves? Fat Anderson is very pissed with him. That is not good for my team.

Reporter: Jose, you do know that it is a fake account, right? Kagawa’s real Twitter handle is different.

Jose Mourinho: You don’t know what is real or not in this world. Last year, I was at Real, now I am not at Real. What is Real? I don’t know. Maybe, I am not Real. Maybe I am Manchester United (giggles).

Reporter: Do you think David Moyes could have done a better job as a Manchester United manager than you?

Jose Mourinho: All I want to say is that I am here. He is not. Probably because I win more. He does not. If he had replaced Alex, maybe Rooney would have left. Maybe United would have been 12th after six games.

Reporter: They still are, Jose.

Jose Mourinho: That’s wrong. I do not look at the table. I only look at the table after first week. When United was top. I have not looked at it after that. Maybe, when someone tells me we are top, I might look at it in passing.

Reporter: Alright Jose, thank you for your time.

Jose Mourinho: (whispers) I am great.

Reporter: What was that?

Jose Mourinho: Nothing. Nothing. Thank you for asking question, my friend.