Relegation is not sudden death; It does not jump out at you like a jack-in-the-box, nor does it, take you unawares like a higher than expected restaurant bill. Relegation is a slow demise; a gradual and grim realisation that your team’s days in the top flight might be numbered.
As the season nears its end, those clubs with insufficient points will try to scramble free of the trapdoor that is about to open. Three will go down when it does, and it looks very much like my team will be one of them.
As a supporter of Newcastle United, I started the 2015/16 season with my usual irrational optimism, but this was well and truly kicked out of me over the following weeks. Our abysmal start saw us take just one point from our first five games, and we were dumped out of the Capital One Cup by Sheffield Wednesday at St James' Park.
Yet even after that rather unsubtle hint that all might not be well at the club, relegation was only discussed by the most pessimistic of supporters. As the season progressed, however, it became clear that the Magpies would struggle to swim away from the plughole they found themselves circling.
So, with our departure from the top flight looking extremely likely, here are the seven stages of relegation I have endured this season.
1) Shock/Disbelief
Manchester City 6 - 1 Newcastle United (Saturday 3/10/2015)
The bolt from the (sky) blue that stunned us into the realisation that we might not be as healthy as we'd like to think we are. After taking the lead in the first half, Newcastle utterly capitulated (Aguero bagged five), and the full-time whistle was met with relief by shell-shocked Geordies.
This was nature's way of telling the players that they need to try harder.
Relegation? No way - this was just a blip.
2) Denial
Sunderland 3 - 0 Newcastle United (Sunday 25/10/2015)
I don't believe this. There is no way on earth that we should have lost this game. We completely ran the show in the first-half, and that was never a red card offence by Coloccini. I find it difficult to accept that our arch-rivals have now turned us over six times on the bounce.
This didn't happen, and I'm going to cover my ears and hum a tune until things are fixed.
Relegation? Nope; we're far too good to go down.
3) Bargaining
Crystal Palace 5 - 1 Newcastle United (Saturday 25/11/2015)
Like the Manchester City game, this was another false dawn where we took the lead, only to collapse like a house of cards in Hurricane Gusty. We can't buy a win right now (although if anyone has a win for sale, we should pay whatever they ask).
Our points tally is well below what is needed to be considered healthy at this stage of proceedings. Oh, and why oh why did I say that if we didn't get a win today, I'd show my backside in Fenwick's window?
Relegation? Not likely. There's still time to address our problems and turn our season around.
4) Guilt
Everton 3 - 0 Newcastle United (Wednesday 3/2/2016)
Another capitulation. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the jinx. I've been listening to the match commentary on that old radio I bought at a car boot sale in Sunderland. And these 'lucky' underpants I wear every match day are clearly not working.
That's it; It's been my fault all along. Begone, you blighted boxers. Take a hike, you treacherous transmitter. I feel cleansed.
Relegation? Now that the hex is lifted, I think we might pull clear of danger.
5) Anger
Chelsea 5 - 1 Newcastle United (Saturday 13/2/2016)
For crying out loud, did you ever see a more spineless performance in the top flight of English football? Within two weeks of the transfer window closing, our unaddressed defensive frailties have erupted like an infected abscess, and Newcastle are 3 - 0 down after seventeen minutes. It makes my blood boil.
Relegation? (through gritted teeth) Possibly.
6) Depression
Newcastle United 1 - 3 Bournemouth (Saturday 5/3/2016)
This is not a bad dream; it's grim reality. In all likelihood, the season is too far advanced for any treatment to be effective now. What unfolded on the Gallowgate turf today was utterly depressing.
We need a confidence transfusion urgently; some new blood in the veins. Sick as a parrot doesn't come close to describing this wretched result. Premier League? You're having a laugh.
Relegation? Probably.
7) Acceptance
Southampton 3 - 1 Newcastle United (Saturday 9/4/2016)
Well, the confidence transfusion didn't work, and that was pretty much the last throw of the dice for the Magpies. There's a new man at the helm, but the seemingly incurable malaise of ineptitude is still very much in evidence on the pitch. Hey ho, it's been a while since we played at Elland Road. What time does Family Guy start?
Relegation? Almost a certainty. While there is still a faint glimmer of hope, we must keep trying (ha!). Our current position is lying on a gurney in a corridor waiting for an ambulance to transport us to the Championship. The signs are not good.
