IPL – A Taste of Mediocrity Barring Some Indulgence of Gods

IPL 4

If you tell a hardcore football fan that the size of a home-ground could be varied to suit the strikers’ athletic capabilities, he would believe you are proof of God’s sense of humor. But try telling that to the IPL organizing committee. The other day I was shell shocked to see a 56m hit, fetch 6 runs for the batsmen. But then IPL is a slugfest of mediocrity. Without a few class acts like Sachin, Mahela, Kallis or Gambir, you might as well start worrying about the future of cricket. IPL gives me a chance to watch these players and also monitor Indian bowlers like Sharma, Umesh Yadav and Varun Aaron who have all crossed 145kph at some point of time in this tournament. But these moments come at a heavy price. So I thought, I might as well vent some of my disdain for the tournament that sets a price tag on the legends of cricket and then makes them celebrate moments of mediocrity.

1. Commentary – A simple straightforward catch would still be a Karbon Kamaal catch. An ugly slog resulting in an edge and a 4 to third man boundary would be a Citi moment of success. The aura of annoyance around IPL starts with its commentary. It is funny what money can make you do. Even decent mike men like Robin Jackman start celebrating moments which don’t even match the most average ones in top class test cricket. Very rarely does a commentator describe a shot without using some synonym of great. After all, we all know it was good. I am not taking English lessons. I would rather, the guy with the mike told me about the type of shot played, the balance of the batsman and the area of the ground it went to. But, as I said, they sound like overpaid bunch of people who sound permanently guilt ridden if they don’t use adjectives. Even the oft pessimistic and mostly realistic Harsha Bhogle, has started cracking lousy jokes and repeating “IPL is great because it brought us Paul Valthaty!” too many times. Oh and I forgot, I don’t know what Brad Hogg says, because he makes me shut my ears down.
2. Extra Innings – Anyone who has watched a Star Cricket’s Analysis segment, during the world cup without Navjot Sidhu, would know how interesting analysis sessions could be. But then this is a channel that aims to reach out to every nook and corner of the country. So, extra innings with the cheer leader ‘rejects’, rock band ‘rejects’ and channel V ‘rejects’ plus ‘experts’ sounds more like the great Indian ‘saas bahu’ opera. I would be happier if the channel chooses to show ads instead of continuing a nonsensical show, where the audience question is actually framed for the presenters’ standards. What is the full form of ‘LBW’ they ask.

1. The presenters – I wonder when the auditions for presenters was on, did the channel experts forget to mention, “Basic knowledge of cricket” in the criteria column. If they didn’t, they might have as well picked Shilpa Shetty, who was at least beautiful. Yudi constantly stammers, Samir Kocchar constantly points to empty seats in the stadium, referring it as “sea” and the adorable Gaurav is spending out all the good will he has earned as VJ, by saying things that don’t make sense anywhere around cricket. And finally I have to talk about Archana! According to Mr. Sidhu, our member of parliament, “God said let there be light, and then there was Archana” on a day when she was wearing a little more than a transparent blue sari. Oh and yes, she cares for the audience more than she does for the players. You see, a bowler was delivering the ball and Archana was just a few feet from the boundary fielder bellowing into the mike! In any other country, where serious cricket is being played, she might have been thrown out. But I guess this is IPL.
2. The Players – I never made it beyond the college team. So, I cannot comment on others so much, as that would put me in the same league as Mandira Bedi, our new sports columnist, Ayaz Menon and Atul Wassan(yes, I know he played for India at a time when people wondered is this the country with 90crores and cricket being played in every street)! IPL has given us some good Indian players like Ashwin and Manish Pandey, Tiwary and Rayudu. The money will encourage a few more to focus on cricket. But then, there would be 70 Indians(7 per each team) assured of a starting 11 place. But I believe at least a few of them are in the wrong profession!
3. The cricket – We have managed to make one of the top fast bowlers retire from test cricket(It’s his personal choice and I was always a believer that players should be left to do what they want instead of bringing unnecessary patriotism in every argument). We have managed to hold back a few West Indian players who chose to play IPL rather than international cricket. So, it has to be something. I mean, who am I, but one of a billion viewers, who believes cricket could still be fun, without scantily clad cheer leaders, thousands of new adjectives, extreme brainless stupidity and meaningless ‘podcasts’. After all, Sachin and Mahela, Dravid and Kallis are still playing and so are Steyn, Morkel and Malinga.