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Satire: How slow is Sachin Tendulkar?

Dhoni calling Sachin and Sehwag, "slow" in the field hasn't gone down well with Sehwag. Sehwag is not the only person who is livid. There has been tremendous criticism around the world against Dhoni.In India, Venkatesh Prasad, who has been an in...

Dhoni calling Sachin and Sehwag, “slow” in the field hasn’t gone down well with Sehwag. Sehwag is not the only person who is livid. There has been tremendous criticism around the world against Dhoni.

In India, Venkatesh Prasad, who has been an inspiration for developing ultra slow motion technology has been in dissentful disagreement with Dhoni. Prasad, in an elaborate and slow explanation (as if to drive home the point) emphasizes that Sachin does not possess any of his own characteristics, and as such he just can’t be slow. Anti-speed demons like Madan Lal and Mohinder Amarnath have also rubbished Dhoni’s statement.

FOVK, a club with membership of 6 people, including family, coach and friends of Vinay Kumar (no prizes for guessing the expansion of the acronym) have alleged foul play in branding Sachin “slow” as their idol Vinay Kumar has toiled hard to snatch the “slow’ tag from the likes of Irfan and Munaf.

In a press note released the club members have stated that there cannot be anyone slower in the field than Vinay Kumar. As an illustration, they demonstrated that the Vinay Kumar delivery reaches the batsman long after he completes his follow through. As empirical evidence they reiterated the fact that Vinay Kumar played both games in which Dhoni was handed a one match for the slow over rate.

Sanjay Manjrekar, perhaps the greatest cricketer after Sir Don Bradman, (now a commentator), and perhaps the slowest living being to have moved between the wickets ever, also dismissed Dhoni’s claims at a recently held press conference. Details however are not known as no one turned up at the said press conference. The media representatives reasoned with us by saying that least when Manjrekar is on Television, one can use the mute button.

Steve Bucknor, the former West Indian umpire, has alleged conspiracy in this whole issue of calling Sachin slow. According to him team India is trying to get back at him for those horrendous decisions given by him against them. He said that he was the rightful owner of the “slow death” tag for in the time he took to raise his finger, Ram Gopal Verma used to complete a film and announce another.

Prof. Dhoni, on the other hand has claimed to have based his allegation on some deep research and has stood by his reasoning despite the criticism. His reasoning is:

1. Suresh Kalmadi has been in and out of Jail and Sachin still remains on 99. In the meanwhile, even Ashwin has scored an international hundred.

2. Sachin hasn’t even been able to score a century at Lord’s for all these years. What is significant is that even a batsman like Agarkar has one at the Lord’s. What’s the point in scoring 99 centuries when you can’t score one in the Mecca of cricket?

3. Sachin has scored 204 runs in only 2 one day internationals he played in 2010. In one innings he scored 4 and in the other, he scored…….never mind…let’s go to the 4th point.

4. Joginder Sharma has played more international T20s than Sachin. Joginder has played 4 International T20s and Sachin has played only one. Moral of the story: Sachin is slower than Joginder.

5. Even off the pitch, Sachin has been slow in reacting to digs against him by cricketing giants like Manjrekar. He hasn’t even reacted to charges of ball tampering till now.

6. Sachin is stuck with just cricket whereas legends like Atul Wassan and Maninder Singh have moved on to commentary, umpiring etc.

This information was leaked to us by the young cricketers in the team, initially on the condition of anonymity. Later on, they called us to say that they had dropped the condition. “In any case even if Duncan finds out, it really doesn’t matter…he doesn’t even know our names.” said the young Indian cricketers.

Published with permission from The Goan Patiala.

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