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[Satire] Scout Report: Salman Khan

Salman Khan has been attracting interest from all over Europe. Here is the scout report of the man who invented the 'Chinkara chip shot'.

Salman Khan
Sun’s out, guns out! 

Background

At the age of 50, Abdul Rashid Salim Salman Khan has conquered the Bollywood industry in India. With over a dozen hit films under his name, he is one of the most popular figures in India and the Indian diaspora around the world. 

Salman, the son of screenwriter Salim Khan and step-son of former Bollywood actress Helen, started his acting career in 1989. To this day it amazes people how a young Salman Khan managed to break into the industry with such limited contacts. 

His first role as a lead actor came in ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’, one of the most famous movies in Bollywood history. Ever since the success of ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’, Salman has been involved in over 100 films but films are not the only thing he shot (read: Black Bucks). However, we are getting a bit too far ahead of ourselves. Apart from being a film star, producer, television star, and philanthropist, it is said that Salman's secret talent lies in football

Style of Play 

As one of the most promising strikers in the country, Salman is popular for his ‘shooting’ and scoring. Well, actually, probably not scoring going by what he has said on the show ‘Koffee with Karan’, where he revealed he was still a virgin. His ambidextrous nature adds to his goalscoring threat as it helps him pull off inimitable shots. It is because of this reason that people generally regard his shots to be ‘rare’ ones.

Unlike most strikers, Salman’s defensive ability is beyond question. Despite finding himself in trouble on various occasions on the pitch, Salman has always managed to dodge the attackers with his special defensive manoeuvre called ‘the Bail’

Strengths

Salman, also popularly known as Bhai in his legion, has a number of special moves to his name. His most popular move is called the ‘hit and run’, where he hits the ball into the net and runs towards the corner flag to celebrate his goal, well not actually. It is said that on one occasion, he skillfully drove past five players with his hit and run move.

Other popular Salman Khan moves include ‘ Bhai’s bicycle kick’ and the ‘Chinkara chip shot’. The chip shot was named after a species of Indian Gazelle (black buck) that shot to fame thanks to Salman Khan. The Chinkara family is forever indebted to Salman for popularising them. 

Weakness

In spite of such skill, Salman has one major weakness. He once said that after participating in a game, he walked out feeling like a ‘raped woman’. When Salman’s team is winning by a very high goal margin, Bhai decides to go easy on his opponents as he believes in ‘Being Human’. This quality of his has seen his opponents attempt a come back on various occasions.

Salman Khan
Football with shades – Bhai is a trend setter! 

What next for Salman

Bhai’s future lies in India according to sources as he prefers not to make a move to the European clubs. His dream is to represent one of the teams in the Indian Super League with pretty much all the clubs showing interest in signing him. However, Chennaiyin FC’s co-owner Abhishek Bachchan is not keen on signing him for obvious reasons. 

Over 50,000 Salman fanatics have pledged their future to the club that Salman signs for. FC Goa are the favorites to sign Salman Khan after Virat Kohli agreed to rename the franchise to ‘Being Goa’. This deal comes after Bhai reportedly agreed to help FC Goa avoid harsh punishment for the ISL Final fracas last season. 

The fans of the club are very excited about the potential arrival of the superstar and have started preparing chants for him. Some of the new ones include “Sallu’s the driver, all his fans are terrified” which is a remake of the trending “Will Grigg's on fire” chant by the Irish fans. 

Bottom Line

With a very strong resume and a massive group of fans backing him, Salman could prove to be a great singing for most the teams in the ISL considering the interest he has been attracting from Europe especially the country of Romania at present. Hence, it is advised that clubs make a move for the superstar as soon as possible. 

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